When Mark and I wrote the book the Living With Less So Your Family Has More we wanted to challenge families to live with less stress, less activities, and less money than is culturally acceptable. I recently discovered the CWIVES website: Christian Wives Initiating, Valuing, and Enjoying Sex. I read through many of the pages on the website and I really love the message Dr. Jennifer Degler shares.
I asked her permission to share one of the articles on her website here because it applies to the concept of living with less activities. Here’s Dr. Jennifer’s post:
“I am too tired for sex.” Have you said those words before? Lacking energy for sex is the #1 sexual difficulty Christian women report according research conducted by the authors of The Secrets of Eve. The typical husband is rarely too tired for sex. He can come home from working a 16-hour shift, collapse on the couch, and claim that he is too tired to even lift a finger; yet, if his wife mentions she’s interested in sex—ta da!—he’s up and off the couch like Lazarus from the grave. How did he do this? He reached for his sex pot, the separate pot of energy for sex that most men keep in reserve.
Women don’t have a separate sex pot. We have only one pot of energy, and everything we do—laundry, running the carpool, paid or volunteer work, grocery shopping, and yes, having sex—comes out of our one pot. Wives have to deliberately save some energy for sex, or fatigue will rob us of a satisfying sex life.
If you want to save energy for sex, then you must learn to say “no” to some of the competing requests for your energy. Wives tend to say “yes” without considering how these additional activities can eventually shrink their interest and enthusiasm for sex. Let’s say you’ve been asked to serve on the PTA or to work overtime. Would you ever respond by saying “before I give you an answer, let me talk this over with my husband, pray about it, and consider how this will impact my sex drive and my ability to enjoy sex?” You can stop laughing—I’m not suggesting you should really say the last part (but I bet people would stop asking you to do so much if you actually said it). I am suggesting that you should at least think about the last part.
If you still have children at home, consider limiting your kids to one (or possibly two) activities outside of church. Otherwise, your energy pot will be drained dry by the endless round of soccer games, violin lessons, dance competitions, choir practices, etc. It’s more important for you and your husband to have an exciting, fulfilling sexual relationship than for your child to play soccer and the violin and dance and sing and do Scouts and be on the math team, etc.
Before you know it, your child will be grown and out of the house. Couples who have had a great sex life while raising children often find the empty nest isn’t so bad; in fact, it gives them the opportunity to finally have sex in every room of the house (look out, dining room, here we come!).
What about you? Have you ever considered how valuable it is for you to say no to some activities because of how it affects your energy for sex?
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