Mark and I are complete opposites in so many ways. He likes coffee and I like tea. He likes spicy food…mild for me. He’s a morning guy and I’m a night owl. He’s an extrovert and I’m an introvert.
Today we’re going to talk about the extrovert/introvert difference and how we’ve learned to navigate it in our marriage.
Mark says…
I’m an extrovert which simply means that I get emotionally refueled by being with people. The more people…the better! I get to the weekend and want to socialize.
Jill says…
I’m an introvert which simply means that I get emotionally refueled by being alone. I get to the weekend and want to hole up at home.
Mark says…
Several months ago Jill and I listened to a CD about the differences between introverts and extroverts. One difference is the amount of friends they have. I have always had alot of friends and Jill has always had a small circle of friends. I frequently communicated to her that she needed to expand her friend circle. In other words…I felt there was something wrong with her because she didn’t have as many friends as I did.
I was wrong. There it is in black and white for the world to see. I was wrong to impose my personality needs on her.
Another thing the speaker on the CD mentioned was that extroverts often have alot of hobbies and introverts have just one or two hobbies. I had many times told Jill that she needed to get a life. Find something she liked doing and pursue it. She was always reading and writing. That seemed like work to me…not a hobby.
Jill says…
But reading and writing are my hobbies. I love doing both. Yes, they are solitary activities…but they fit me well. And I find joy in them.
Mark says…
So I had to apologize to my wife on this one, too. I didn’t realize that reading and writing were hobbies for Jill. They don’t seem like alot of fun from my perspective…but we are two different people. And what’s right for me isn’t necessarily right for her.
Jill says…
Both Mark and I have had to move from thinking that our differences are wrong to realizing that our differences are just…well, different! When we impose our likes and dislikes on others that ventures into judgment and criticism and that’s never healthy for a marriage.
Mark says…
So now when we get to the weekend we do a little of both. We socialize a bit but not too much. And believe it or not, I’ve learned that holing up at home isn’t such a bad thing after all!
What about you? Are you and your spouse opposites?
What a great post. These days, I think we both tend to be introverts out of necessity. With four children and my husband in college (in addition to working) our time at home is like gold. I do admit thought that I am most definitely an introvert yet being home with a toddler and in a new town, I am trying to be the current extrovert to get our family out more. Can you share the CD you were listening to? I would like to learn more about this!
Be Blessed! Darcy
We are definitely opposites! I'm the extrovert while my husband is the introvert. After 13 years of marriage I'm slowly learning to work with our differences instead of growing frustrated with them. I recently wrote a post about how our personality differences affect how we give hospitality to others. I'm also curious about the CD you listened to. 🙂
Darcy and Stephanie,
The CD was a leadership message by Nancy Ortberg, but we can't remember where it was from. We think maybe it was from a Willow Creek Women in Leadership event.
Thanks for posting this, Jill! I'm the extrovert and my husband is the introvert. Most of the time we handle it really well. The times that it seems to be difficult are when we look for mutual couple friends. I always seem to mesh with the wife, but my husband is more reserved when making friends with the husband. It's not that I want my husband to have a bunch of friends. It would simply be nice to have some people that we both enjoy spending time with, so it doesn't feel like we have to part ways to be with our friends. Any suggestions from you and Mark?
Thanks for posting this as it was the very answer I was seeking. I thought I was an imperfect person for being an introvert. My extrovert husband recently started finding faults in me after 13 years of marriage. He all of a sudden started blurting out that I don't socialize much (i do some with relevant folks) and that I don't dance the night out with him etc! I have been content making a wonderful home for him and our kids. I've been busy working full time and coming home and cooking and taking care of the kids activities, home work etc. I do spend lot of time with him at home and make sure he is a priority on my list. I thought I was doing great. Did it take him so long to find this out truth about me that I don't like to socialize too much or is he starting to slowly express his suppressed frustrations I wonder! I have always accepted him as he is and infact am very proud of him in many ways. I thought the same about his attitude towards me but this recent attitude has gotten me worried. I was beginning to think something was really wrong with me but now I feel like I don't have to feel guilty or apologize for anything. It is just who I am. Thanks a lot! If anyone has any thoughts on how I should address this with my husband do let me know. I do love him but I feel lost and for the first time- really lonely!
Anonymous,
I suggest that you share this post with your husband and then ask him the questions you are asking here: is he just now finding himself frustrated with your differences or has he been frustrated all along and he's just now expressing the frustration? Talking about this is the only way to move through it and get to a place where you can celebrate your differences instead of being frustrated by them.