I lifted the phone out of my husband’s hands. He was so tired lately and had fallen asleep in bed while texting. I’d been out of town for the day and had come home late to find him already in bed. As I went to plug it in for the night, I saw a conversation on the screen that took my breath away. He had been texting a woman and a quick glance through the texts indicated that there had been more than a texting relationship.
My husband had been unfaithful.
I wanted to throw up.
That discovery began a nine month battle for my marriage. After I discovered the infidelity, he broke off the relationship. A few weeks later he returned to it. That would happen seven times before the battle finally ended. Five months after the discovery, he left to pursue the other relationship. I found myself a single parent with three heartbroken adult children and two distraught teenagers still at home.
Finally after nearly a year of hell on earth, Mark stopped fighting with God. I’d had a front row seat at watching the spiritual warfare in his soul and I now had a front row seat at watching him repent and surrender himself fully to God. However, it would be two more months before he moved back home. Even after he recommitted to our marriage and eventually returned home, our journey of healing and trust building had just begun.
Our story isn’t rare.
Unfortunately our story isn’t rare. Too many couples are navigating the realities of infidelity. Pornography too often rapes the soul of a marriage by setting the stage for unrealistic expectations and broken trust. However, broken trust doesn’t have to be caused only by those two biggies, trust can be broken by constant criticism, dishonesty, financial foolishness, or even unguarded conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
Most marriages have likely experienced broken trust in some way big or small. So when trust is broken, how can it be restored? Is it possible to reconnect two hearts that have been broken? What does rebuilding trust look like in real life?
What does rebuilding trust look like?
While there’s no “one way” to heal a hurting marriage, Mark and I found that rebuilding trust requires effort from both parties. Accountability on one side must be balanced with a willingness to risk on the other side. That dance may need to go on for years. It becomes a new normal in your relationship that can result in a deeper sense of intimacy and oneness. It is actually possible to come out better on the other side, but not without a willingness for both of you to do the work of rebuilding and restoring trust.
So what does that look like practically? Where do we start when trust is broken?
It’s a bit longer than a typical blog post, so we’ve created a free “how to” guide you can download with six practical steps you can take to rebuild trust in a marriage.
You can take the next right step today! (If you’re reading this in your email, click here to request the how-to guide.)
I’m a heartbroken mother who’s son is having the affair. My son says he wants to work on his marriage. He sent me a message and asked me if I would call his wife because he had hurt her very bad. I thought about it and replied that I couldn’t call her. I didn’t break the marriage and I couldn’t fix her. I told him he broke it and he had to fix it. After listening to the two of you talk I’m not quite sure I did the right thing but I was so stunned that I had no idea what I should do. My daughter in law told me she wants to work on their marriage, that she loves him and he’s a good man but she feels like he loves this girl so much that there’s no hope for their marriage. She told me just 3 days ago she’s tired and don’t know how long she can go on.
I sent her a link to your story. She said she’d listen to it but I don’t know if she has. Please tell me what a mother’s place is here. I can tell she’s relieved that she’s not alone in this anymore but she’s becoming tired.
She said she found out 9 months ago but the affairs been going on about 3 yrs. Is there still hope? How do I help them or do I keep my mouth shut and pray and then hope they figure it out? Please help me. My heart is hurting sooooo much. This is my precious son and it kills me to see this going on.
Donna, a mother’s place is to listen and pray. If asked for wisdom, then share wisdom. There’s always hope, but it requires two surrendered people. Pray for surrender in your son’s life. Your daughter in law may need to draw some boundaries in love but God will lead her in that.
When my son says he wants to work on his marriage but he tells his wife he won’t give the girl up what do I do as a mother? I read in one of your articles that you prayed God would place thorns around this person? I’m at a loss how to pray.
Donna, prayer is the work here. Do not insert yourself in your son’s problems. Do pray a hedge of thorns around your son and this girl, asking God to allow conflict to happen in their relationship. This often helps to wake up someone to see that another relationship isn’t the right answer. Also in my Empty Nest Full Life book I have a chapter on letting go of your child’s problems. I think that would be helpful for you. https://amzn.to/3MLulha
How do I pray thorns around this girl who my son is having an affair with?
Donna, yes, just simply pray a hedge of thorns around your son and this girl, asking God to allow conflict to happen in their relationship. This often helps to wake up someone to see that another relationship isn’t the right answer.