“Yes, I’m having an affair, and I’m not going to stop.” It was with these words that Mark walked away from our marriage with no intention of ever returning.
Infidelity and broken trust have been a significant part of our story—but they’re not the end of our story. Mark did return and we did heal. After this hard season in our lives, we made a commitment to not only turn things around but to rebuild our marriage for the better.
It took time to work through all the hurt that had been caused. But today, we are happy to say that we have achieved a new-and-improved version of our marriage: Mark and Jill 2.0.
Now, we coach, teach, and share with other couples what we’ve learned in the hopes that it helps others who are going through similar situations.
Even if your marriage hasn’t experienced infidelity, this information can still be very helpful. That’s how trust was broken in our relationship, but broken trust can take many forms—like not following through on your promises, misusing shared finances, keeping secrets, and so much more.
No matter the cause, when trust has been broken, there are four phases you have to go through in order to repair the damage that has been done and move forward in a positive direction. We recently walked through these steps in four episodes on our podcast, and wanted to be sure these videos were compiled in one place for anyone who needs it:
1) The Rupture
This is the breaking point in the relationship. Maybe you’ve been harboring unmet expectations; you keep thinking how much happier you (and they) would be if you left. Eventually, this resentment all builds up to the point that you act, and trust is broken in an instant.
This could be a “one-time” act or an ongoing betrayal. It could be an affair, or it could be some other breach of trust. This rupture is when the betrayal becomes known. For us, this happened when Mark uttered the words: “I’m leaving, and I have no intention of returning. I’m pursuing the other relationship, and I want a divorce.”
READ THE SHOW NOTES: Recovering from Infidelity and Broken Trust, Pt. 1 | Episode 280
2) Repentance
We sometimes refer to this as the “U-turn” in the life of the partner who broke the trust. It’s when the betraying spouse makes a 180-degree turn—away from their hurtful actions and back towards God (and hopefully their spouse). It may take quite some time to arrive at this phase. The timing will look different for everyone.
For us, it took over a year from the time Mark began the affair to the moment he decided to make a full U-turn and commit to rebuilding our marriage together. It was a long process, and at times, I (Jill) wasn’t sure whether or not the season of waiting and hoping would be worth it.
If that sounds like you right now and you are still waiting for your spouse to re-engage, there are a few things you can do to ensure this time is not wasted. I made The Wait is Not Wasted Course because I know how confusing, overwhelming, and isolating this experience can be. This course walks you through all the wisdom, advice, and strategies I wish I had when I was in your shoes.
READ THE SHOW NOTES: Recovering from Infidelity and Broken Trust, Pt. 2 | Episode 281
3) Reconciliation
When trust has been broken between you and your spouse, your marriage isn’t the only relationship that will suffer damage. In many cases, family members and friends will have been hurt by the betrayal, too.
Repairing those fractured relationships and restoring trust that has been broken won’t happen all at once. It may take weeks, months, or even years to fully restore all the relationships that have been damaged. However, once you put in the work, it will be more than worth it.
As you begin this journey, it’s imperative that you start with your spouse, then your children, and then move out to the “outer circles.” In this conversation, we’ll walk you through how to have safe conversations, why the spouse who broke trust needs to give their partner grace as they ask questions, process the situation, and find forgiveness, and what you should do if the spouse who had an affair can’t stop thinking about their affair partner.
READ THE SHOW NOTES: Recovering from Infidelity and Broken Trust, Pt. 3 | Episode 282
4) Rebuilding Trust
We like to use the analogy of a bathtub when explaining what it’s like to rebuild trust. When you get married, you have a bathtub full of water—this represents the abundance of trust between you and your spouse. When a rupture occurs, it’s like pulling the stopper out of the drain of your bathtub. All the water goes rushing out. When rebuilding trust, you have to put that water back in a spoonful at a time.
Rebuilding trust takes small, consistent action over time. This is typically the longest of the four phases. It takes honesty without defensiveness and it takes understanding without condemnation.
We’ve seen trust be rebuilt not only in our own marriage, but in countless other marriages as well. It’s a two-way street, so it requires effort from both people, but we firmly believe that trust can be restored when the proper steps are taken.
READ THE SHOW NOTES: Recovering from Infidelity and Broken Trust, Pt. 4 | Episode 283
We hope this can be a helpful resource for anyone hoping to rebuild their relationship after broken trust or infidelity.
If you are looking for more resources to support you on your journey, we’d like to offer you 3 options that will help you navigate this process:
The first is our coaching options. We offer both individual and couples coaching. We also offer our Marriage 2.0 Intensive where we work with one couple at a time over 3 days to bring about transformation in their marriage. When you work with us directly you get customized advice and solutions for where you and your spouse are currently at—from two people who understand exactly what you’re going through.
The second resource is our courses. We recommend The Wait is Not Wasted for anyone who is still waiting to see if their spouse will re-engage in the relationship. If your spouse has decided to re-engage and is working to heal the marriage and move forward, check out our Rebuilding Trust Course.
The third is our free resources! Enjoy instant access to these FREE downloads that will get you started in the right direction:
We firmly believe that there is hope for ANY marriage to overcome infidelity and rebuild trust. There is hope for your marriage.
