Everyone has emotional and relational baggage. We carry it around with us everywhere and bring it with us into marriage. While there’s no shame in having baggage, it’s important to take the time to consider how the behaviors we’ve picked up over the years could be potentially harmful to ourselves and others.
When we don’t take the time to deal with our baggage, it can affect many aspects of our marriage and even inhibit intimacy with our spouse.
This baggage, or “junk in our trunk” as we like to call it, could be anything from messages from our religious upbringing to how we resolve conflict.
Some of the baggage we carry is filled with misconceptions about our sexual relationship that we picked up from past experiences. These often erroneously define who we are sexually and even hinder us from fully enjoying God’s gift of sex.
In order to have a healthy marriage, we have to be willing to unpack the following six common intimacy inhibitors. This means identifying misconceptions we have believed and making choices today that will avoid inhibiting our relationship in the future.
Want to know even more about this topic? The following is an excerpt from Jill’s “Is There Really Sex After Kids?” book. Be sure to grab a copy of this book if you’d like to improve your sexual intimacy.
Intimacy Inhibitor #1 – Media
Our media-saturated culture plays a huge role in how we think about sex. As one mom put it, “If you believed everything you watched, you’d be questioning yourself all the time. Personally, I don’t know of any worn-out, exhausted mom whose sexuality button is turned on with one kiss—yet that’s what you see in the movies.”
What we watch and read does become part of who we are and what we think. Consider the potential impact today’s media can have on us:
- Movies. What is dangerous about movies? The comparison game we play in our minds. Although we don’t realize it, we often compare our very REAL life to a very UNREAL situation on the big screen. Everything depicted in a movie from a person’s appearance to how a sexual encounter plays out is an unrealistic representation of the real thing. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a full orchestra in my bedroom. But isn’t that what happens in the movies? The music swells at just the right time. The lighting is perfect. And when it’s all said and done, we have never seen anyone have to clean up after sex on the Hollywood screen! How real is that?
- Novels. Many of the romance novels on the bookshelves are simply R-rated movies in book form. In the same way that movies paint an unreal picture of life, romance novels open the door to the comparison game. The story, complete with the hero and heroine, may be unknowingly setting us up for disappointment when we compare this not-real story to our real lives. We have to choose our reading material wisely.
- Television. When I first began staying home with our daughter, I consumed a soap opera a day. I never gave a thought to the subtle messages to which I was exposing my mind. Affairs, complicated relationships, and poor communication skills are commonplace on television dramas. Romance and skewed conflict resolution all come to some sense of completeness at the end of 30 minutes in a sitcom. We have to understand that it’s not real. If not, we’ll drive ourselves crazy trying to measure up to a standard that is impossible to meet.
- Magazines/social media. Within the pages of secular magazines, and on our daily social media feeds, we’re often exposed to a “disposable marriage” and “affairs are a normal way of life” mindset. A regular diet of these types of content will lead us to thinking that if marriage is too hard, just get out. Forgiveness, commitment, and sacrificial love are not found on the pages of magazines. When it comes to social media, the types of ideas you’ll be exposed to depend on what you choose to search and who you choose to follow—so be intentional about which sources of information you’re exposing yourself to.
In the same way that our bodies need nutritious, wholesome food, our minds need wholesome nutrition. Media junk food affects our attitudes, choices, and ability to discern between right and wrong. That’s why God says “…whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” (Philippians 4:8-9).
Intimacy Inhibitor #2 – Slang Terminology
When we use slang terminology we can destructively distort God’s gift of sexuality. These inappropriate words cheapen the sexual relationship and seep into our subconscious thinking about sex.
You and I need to identify the terms we’ve heard over the years and consider the destructive connotation they imply. Even the simple phrase “talking dirty,” when someone describes a person talking about sex, implies that sex is dirty. Do you see how that can affect our thinking?
As married men and women, it’s important to use correct biological terms for parts of the human body. If you’ve never openly discussed sex, you may find yourself uncomfortable with any sexual terms. Practice saying them aloud when you are alone to become more comfortable talking about sex. Then choose respectful, correct terms, rather than cultural slang when talking with your spouse about sex.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t use pet names or a secret vocabulary when talking about sex with our spouse. Many couples have special words or phrases they use in private. This deepens the bond of intimacy in your relationship. The key is to choose language that enhances the loving, exciting process of making love.
Intimacy Inhibitor #3 – Parental Instruction About Sex
Your attitude about your sexuality was most likely set in the framework of the family in which you were raised. Some of us were raised with a healthy understanding of sexuality. We saw a loving, even playful, relationship in our parents’ marriage. We understood that God created sex to be beautiful when experienced within the protection of the marital relationship.
Yet many of us probably carried some baggage into our marriage because we experienced one of the following attitudes:
- “We don’t talk about that in this house.” When things can’t be discussed, we associate them with being bad. If this was the mindset you were raised with, you may well associate sex as being something shameful and even disgusting.
- “You DON’T have sex before you get married.” This message focuses on the DON’T more than the DO of sex. Inhibitors from this message might include being uncomfortable with the whole sexual part of the marriage because “don’t, don’t, don’t” has been so ingrained in the mind.
- “Sex is something you endure, dear.” Well-meaning but ill-informed grandmothers and mothers have often passed on negative connotations about marital sex. The concept that sex is for men to enjoy and women to endure denies God’s beautiful plan for physical intimacy. This kind of false information plants the seeds of inhibition and shame.
- “Sex is OK before marriage as long as you are responsible.” Some parents, who came from the “free sex” generation themselves, may have even encouraged sexual experimentation. If you were raised in this kind of environment, you likely have unrealistic expectations on marriage because sexual experiences have come without long-term monogamous commitment. It focuses more on the sex rather than the deep commitment of love.
In each of these cases, a lack of information or misinformation leads to inhibition and confusion. If you can relate to any of these, consider taking the time to learn about God’s beautiful plan for physical relationship in marriage. We recommend reading Song of Solomon in your Bible and Tommy Nelson’s The Book of Romance.
Intimacy Inhibitor #4 – Previous Relationships
According to our culture, sex is not reserved for marriage; it’s a healthy part of any relationship. Because we are so influenced by the cries of culture, many of us entered marriage with one or more suitcases labeled “previous sexual relationship.”
Even if you didn’t engage in premarital intercourse, you may still carry the wounds of past relationships. Things like mistrust, fear, jealousy, shame, or anger have a way of creeping into all relationships that come after them.
Whether we realize it or not, previous relationships do affect our marriage. We are a sum of our experiences, so it becomes difficult to separate ourselves from what we have known. We were both sexually active before we were married, and because of that, we brought unrealistic expectations and unfounded fears into our sexual relationship with each other.
Personally, I (Jill) struggled with the “desire” piece of the puzzle. What God showed me was that my sexual desire before marriage was built on rebellion, not love. I knew sex outside of marriage was something I wasn’t supposed to do, so the desire was heightened as I felt I was partaking of a forbidden fruit. When we got married, suddenly the forbidden fruit was gone.
Brian and Heather Jamison, in their Marriage Partnership article “Haunted by Premarital Sex,” put it this way: “The familiarity of marriage lessened the lure of what was previously forbidden—sex. Without the illicitness surrounding sex, we began to see our premarital relationship for what it really was—counterfeit intimacy.”
Intimacy Inhibitor #5 – Religion
In spite of growing up in a church, you may not have ever heard specific teaching on sex. Our churches still have some work to do in communicating the beauty of the marital sexual relationship.
Some churches teach a legalistic, restrictive sexual environment that robs couples of the ability to enjoy God’s intended pleasure. Not too long ago, sex was justified only for the purposes of reproduction in some denominations. In general, the Christian community has been unwilling to openly discuss God’s beautiful design for sexual pleasure in marriage. At the very least, the approach has been unbalanced.
Evaluate the teaching (or lack of teaching) you have received from your religious experience. Has it been balanced in representing the boundary of no sex before marriage as well as the beauty of sex within marriage? If not, it’s time to put your student hat on and start learning about God’s plan for the sexual relationship in marriage.
Intimacy Inhibitor #6 – Poor Conflict Resolution Skills
Do you sulk when your spouse doesn’t pay attention to you?
Do you express anger by slamming cabinet doors or stomping through the house?
Are your words or tone cutting or demeaning?
Do you say everything is ok when really it isn’t?
Do you withhold sex or affection in order to “punish” your spouse?
Do you have trouble saying, “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me”?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you most likely have the intimacy inhibitor of unhealthy conflict resolution skills.
In marriage, there will be conflict. Two human beings cannot live life together and not have conflict; it will happen. While you can’t avoid or prevent the conflict from occurring, it’s important to understand how to handle conflict when we’re faced with it. If we short-circuit conflict resolution, we will find the concept of giving and receiving sexual love very difficult.
If we handle conflict appropriately, it can strengthen our marriage relationships. This involves listening and reflecting back to each other what the other is saying, rather than defending ourselves against inaccuracies. It involves focusing on resolution rather than winning. If one of us is focused on the goal of winning the argument, conflict cannot be resolved.
We also have to learn how to bring closure to our conflict. Closure happens when we “own” our part of the conflict, offer an apology, and ask for forgiveness. When forgiveness is extended by the offended party, the relationship is restored.
Most couples fall into the trap of only offering half apologies to each other. Spouses stop at “I’m sorry.” However, “I’m sorry” is just the beginning of an apology. “I’m sorry for _______________. I know it affected you in this way: _______________, Will you please forgive me?” is a full apology. The closure to the conflict happens when the other person can say, “I forgive you.”
Tackling the inhibitors that are impacting our ability to enjoy intimacy is no easy task! It involves asking questions and having conversations about sex, pleasure, and intimacy that may feel a little awkward at first. But on the other side is a closeness and deep intimacy with our spouse that is well worth it!
If you are looking for more ways to spark laughter, love, and friendship, consider joining our Date Night Community. Each month, you’ll get teaching to keep you growing and talking as well as fun date nights designed to deepen communication, ignite romance, and strengthen your connection.
For members of this community, we also provide ongoing instructional marriage coaching content. A while ago, we did an 8-week deep dive called “Great Sexpectations.” When you sign up for Date Night, you get instant access to our archive of past content—meaning you can explore our entire deep dive on the topic of sex at any time you wish.
P.S. In early 2026, we plan to do another deep dive into the topic of intimacy! This one will touch on aspects of sex that we didn’t get to cover last time, so we are very excited to start this journey. If you want to be part of this experience live, now is the perfect time to join Date Night as we are currently accepting new members!
