Is there anything better than welcoming a new grandbaby into the world? You get to enjoy all the baby snuggles, shower gifts and wisdom on the new parents, and spoil the little one as they grow up right before your eyes.
In case you didn’t know, we are about to welcome our seventh grandchild into the world (very soon!)
As we’ve adjusted to our role as grandparents over the years, we’ve made so many amazing memories. But we’ve also made our fair share of mistakes and learned a lot.
And so, as we’re excitedly waiting to welcome our newest grandbaby into the world, we wanted to take some time to reflect on what has worked for us, what hasn’t, and some of
the mistakes we’ve seen people make that are worth avoiding.
We know whether you are expecting your first, seventh, or whichever number grandchild, your heart’s desire is to love and support them as well as their parents. Despite our best intentions, it takes time to adapt to the unique desires and preferences of the parents and discover how everything will work together as your family grows.
These 6 lessons we are about to share also serve as a reminder for us as well! As life-long learners, we’re always striving to find new ways to support and uplift our grandbabies and their parents the best we can (all without stepping on any toes):
1) Release Expectations
Over the years, we’ve heard quite a few complaints from both parents and grandparents that go something like this:
- “My daughter wants time to recover from the birth—but I shouldn’t have to wait! It’s a grandmother’s prerogative to get to meet my grandbaby right away!”
- “My family insists on coming for a visit, and they expect us—the new parents—to host them overnight, adding to our workload in addition to caring for a brand-new baby.
- “The grandparents insist on only holding the baby, even though what we as parents could really use is help catching up on dishes, cleaning, and getting food on the table.”
- “We dropped our kids off to be watched by Grandma and Grandpa. But even though they were given specific instructions on bedtimes, what to eat, and more, the grandparents threw those instructions out the window for the way they believe things should be done!”
We could recount so many more examples! As a grandparent, when these scenarios occur to you, or your son/daughter/son-in-law/daughter-in-law expresses that what they want goes against your own desires, there are a few ways we can respond. The ones that most quickly come to the surface are to feel offended, disappointed, or entitled.
However, we need to recognize that when our kids have kids, it’s time for us to check our expectations. Our job as parents was to lead our family—but now, our new job is to defer to Mom and Dad’s wishes—even if we may not always agree with them.
Releasing your expectations and instead starting with curiosity is a great way to start building trust.
2) Keep Your Opinions to Yourself
Did you know that when we started having kids some 30 years ago, there were no self-rocking cribs, no sound machines to mimic the sound of a mother’s womb, and there were certainly no monitors that would send us an alert if our baby’s heart rate dropped by the slightest amount.
Things have certainly changed a lot from when we were new parents! With each new generation, parenting looks different, not only due to a difference in parenting styles but also because there is a constant flow of new information, technology, and recommendations.
When you were discovering how to parent your own children, we bet the last thing you wanted was to be told was all the ways you weren’t doing things correctly or how you should conform to someone else’s idea—especially not when sleep-deprived!
The same is true of your adult child and daughter or son-in-law. While you should certainly give your opinion and advice when it’s specifically asked for, we are now proud members of the “Keep It Shut” Club when it comes to anything outside of those circumstances.
3) Support Your Kids in Their Parenting Journey
When you bring a new baby home, there’s a rush of incoming guests who want to coo and awe over the little one, and rightfully so! But in all the excitement, it’s easy for the parents to get overlooked or forgotten in the process.
Their entire life just changed as the center of their universe has become keeping this precious baby alive. Where before they were getting plenty of rest, now they are up every three hours to feed and change diapers. Even after the newborn stage, each new season of parenting brings new challenges.
As grandparents, we are in a unique position to offer our children and their spouses the support and care we wish we had had in their position. Consider checking in with the parents and asking how they have been adjusting. Help them catch up on dishes without being asked, throw in a load of clothes, and be sure their freezer is well-stocked with meals.
Continue to look for opportunities to stay engaged with support as your grandchildren grow older.
One of our favorite things to do is to host a Cousin’s Camp for all of our grandchildren. This is not only a special time that we get to spend with our grandchildren, but it’s a great way to give their parents a much-needed, kid-free weekend.
READ: How To Do a Cousin’s Camp
4) Always Lead With Acceptance
Our children have made many decisions in their adult years that we have disagreed with. But what we’ve come to realize is that incessantly vocalizing disagreements often only serves to drive a wedge even further between us.
It’s important to understand that acceptance doesn’t mean agreeing with or endorsing their decision. It means accepting the reality of their circumstances. You may not agree with them and their choices, but no matter what, they will always be a part of your family. Allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from them—and remain a pillar of trusted support throughout this process.
If you do notice a parenting choice that you strongly disagree with, one of the best things you can do is to take it to God first. Pray about your concerns, ask our Heavenly Father if this is something you should even bring up, and allow Him to work in the ways that only He can!
Ultimately, as long as nobody is in danger, it’s not our job to overstep and go against the parents’ wishes. Often, bringing up all the ways we disagree will only serve to spark petty disagreements, grudges, and growing resentment.
You don’t want to be that grandma who holds a ten-year grudge because you felt like the baby should wear socks at all times and their parents didn’t. Stirring up those arguments rather than offering grace and acceptance will only drain the parents’ energy and ultimately, it may remove you from their network of support.
5) Defer to Mom and Dad
Even if your adult child and their spouse haven’t expressed how they would like things done yet, it could mean the world to them if you took the time to ask, “How would you like this to be handled?”
This simple act of kindness goes a long way. It brings peace to the parents and lifts a big cloud of worry off their shoulders—because they know you’re in their corner and will respect their boundaries. Here are just a few examples of what this could look like:
- “How would you like the baby to be put to sleep?”
- “Can you show me your routine?”
- “Do you have a certain way of doing this?”
- “Would you text me the best time that would work for a visit? Don’t forget to let me know what you’d like for dinner!”
- “While we are watching your child, we want to follow your routine and rules. Can you let us know what those are?”
- “Hey, with Timmy’s birthday coming up, we were hoping to get him something special. Is there anything he’s been wanting or items we should stay away from?”
This may seem cumbersome, especially when we’ve raised so many children ourselves and they turned out fine! However, this isn’t about whether you are capable of keeping children safe. This is about showing parents that you can be trusted, that you are their teammate, and that you respect the parenting choices they’ve made for their child.
One more thing—it’s alright to have different rules at Nana and Papaw’s house, so long as those rules don’t usurp Mom and Dad’s rules or have been pre-approved.
6) Give the Gift of Freedom
Want to give your adult kids a beautiful gift that they’d never ask for but would greatly appreciate? Give the gift of freedom and flexibility.
Several years ago, we spent Thanksgiving completely alone. None of our kids came for a visit, and we were completely alright with it! In fact, we actually gave our children the freedom to choose what would be best for their individual family unit.
Knowing how crazy the demands on their schedules already were, and the financial burden of crossing state lines to come to a family Thanksgiving, we talked together and came to the decision that we would give each of our children the freedom of no expectations and no obligations that holiday season.
Like any grandparents, we would have loved nothing more than to spend this time with our beloved children and their children. But forcing it wouldn’t have brought anyone joy.
Rather than bringing guilt, shame, and resentment into the equation, we were able to release our children to choose what to do. Holidays are some of the most hectic days on the calendar, with multiple family obligations, parties with friends, and cranky kids to cart around to each one.
What we found was that our adult children were so grateful to be given this precious gift! Our relationship was only strengthened as a result of this choice. Not to mention, you may find that letting go of an old tradition will allow you to make way for new ones to form!
We recognize that making the switch from “Mom and Dad” to “Nana and Papaw” isn’t always easy.
In fact, there are many unique challenges that come our way when we enter the season of life when our children have grown up, flown the nest, and begun to start families of their own.
We wrote our Empty Nest, Full Life book to help other parents—just like us—navigate the mix of emotions that come with this season.
If you’d like to go even deeper, our Empty Nest Full Life Course offers more tools and insights to guide you along the way.
You can also join our Empty Nest Facebook Group to connect with other parents walking through the same stage of life.
