From one Christian couple to another, we know that you hold marriage in high regard and see it as one of God’s greatest gifts.
There’s something deeply fulfilling about committing to build a life with the person you love most, grounded in a shared faith.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy! It takes work. And on the hard days, when you feel frustrated, confused, or lost, you may find yourself asking God, “What am I supposed to do?”
In those moments, it’s worth asking: Are you truly letting God lead your marriage?
When you start looking for relationship guidance online or in your community, you’re sure to find plenty of perspectives—but not always ones that reflect your faith.
That’s why we want to share with you our God Tools: a simple yet powerful framework we’ve put together that has helped hundreds of Christian couples over our years of coaching.
If you’ve been feeling lost in your marriage, or you simply want to build a strong foundation rooted in His word and have been looking for Christian marriage help, we hope these tools help you recenter the very thing you built your marriage around—God’s truth.
What Are God Tools?
We’ve learned through experience that a real marriage isn’t perfect; it’s two people being perfected. We experience that perfecting—or maturing—when we learn and apply our God Tools consistently.
This is a framework we use when coaching couples, and it comes from 2 Corinthians 10:3–6 in The Message Bible:
“We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ.”
The “warped philosophies” mentioned in this passage? In marriage, they show up as unrealistic expectations.
Many people feel the pressure to have a perfect marriage—and the perfect spouse. When their spouse inevitably fails to live up to the unrealistic expectations they’ve set in their mind, the couple is set us up for disappointment, discouragement, and disillusionment.
These 8 powerful God Tools are designed to line up our hearts with God’s. They keep us on track or get us back on track when our marriage is experiencing problems, communication missteps, or a lack of connection.
God Tool #1: Courage
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid… for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (ESV)
Doing things God’s way isn’t always the easiest thing to do, but it’s always the right thing to do. Courage is not the absence of fear; it is determining something is more important than the fear.
Marriage is more important than fear of conflict, fear of taking off a mask, fear of making requests, fear of intimacy, fear of disagreement, or fear of honest conversation. Those fears may be very real for us, but God gives us courage to face those fears and make needed changes. Common ways that an individual might need to use courage in their Christian marriage include finding their voice and speaking up, apologizing, or accessing their emotions.
God Tool #2: Forgiveness
“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)
Forgiveness is the most underused tool in our toolbox. The average married person probably needs to use their God Tool of forgiveness well over a dozen times a day! This multifaceted tool is how we handle imperfections—our spouse’s and our own. It’s also how we keep our heart uncluttered and available to God, downshifting our anger so we can have needed conversations without too much emotion getting in the way.
Forgiveness is an intentional and voluntary internal process where you choose to let go of hurt by putting it in Jesus’ hands. We’re then able to experience a change in feelings and attitude regarding a hurt. The result of forgiveness is freedom. You’re free from being controlled by the negative emotions surrounding whatever it was that happened and hurt you.
It’s important to remember that forgiveness doesn’t rebuild trust. It does, however, open the door for trust to be rebuilt.
Find your roadmap to rebuilding trust here >>
God Tool #3: Grace
“Mercy triumphs over judgment.” James 2:13b
Grace is a free gift from God. Because of Jesus, we deserve punishment, but we get mercy instead. It’s an upside-down response to what we deserve. God gives us grace because of who He is. We don’t earn it. We don’t even deserve it.
We use this tool in marriage when dealing with the harmless human habits that bug us but don’t really hurt us. In other words, we use grace when we bump up to our spouse’s “imperfect.”
When thinking through whether something needs forgiveness or grace, ask yourself these two questions:
- Does this hurt me or just irritate me?
- Does this need to be corrected or simply accepted as part of being married to an imperfect person?
If the action hurts you, use forgiveness. If the action irritates you, use grace.
God Tool #4: Love
“Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.” John 13:34 (NLT)
We get married because we fall in love. Many get divorced because they say they “fall out of love.” Because of this, we tend to think that love is a feeling. We don’t recognize it as a choice, a tool we desperately need to use when navigating our imperfect relationship.
Love is a blend of affection, devotion, and loyalty. It’s part emotion and part commitment. When someone feels like they don’t love their spouse anymore, that’s a normal feeling because feelings increase and decrease in all relationships all the time.
However, God wants our love to grow up. He wants us to learn to love when it’s hard. When our spouse is struggling. When they might even not be loving us well. Jesus’ love was sacrificial. Ours needs to be as well.
God Tool #5: Humility
“Do nothing from selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.” Philippians 2:3
Our human nature wants to do what we want to do. Pride so easily sneaks in and does a number on our marriage. It’s self-centered. Self-focused. Self-preserving. It’s all about “I” and “me.” Pride keeps us from apologizing when we’re wrong. It builds walls, crushes kindness, and kills intimacy. Pride is a thief. It cheats us of God’s plan for our life because we demand our own way. Humility is the antidote to pride.
Humility requires submission. It says, “God, I admit that your way is the best way.” A humble person submits to God’s authority. The more we are able to submit, the more peace we experience.
God Tool #6: Wisdom
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5
Nobody comes into marriage knowing how to be married. We might think we know, but it doesn’t take long to realize “you don’t know what you don’t know.” Even if you had good role models growing up, there’s much you didn’t see that contributed to a lifelong marriage.
The wrong little choices pull us apart, and the right little choices keep us connected. It’s our God-tool of wisdom that helps us decide to make the right ones. Even couples that have been married for decades need to keep seeking wisdom on how to be the right person, better understand the differences, deepen intimacy, stop the slow fades that pull us apart, and handle whatever life throws our way.
God Tool #7: Compassion
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and . . . forgiving each other.” Colossians 3:12–13 (ESV)
Compassion creates a sense of safety and security in your marriage and in the relationships that mean the most to you. Learning to listen with empathy is a form of compassion that helps your spouse trust you even more.
It causes them to feel validated, heard, and loved. Compassion helps you slow down, tune in, and really connect to those you love. It’s a God Tool that’s so underused in marriage, particularly as stress increases, margin decreases, and you become more familiar with your spouse’s imperfections.
God Tool #8: Acceptance
“Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.” Romans 15:7
Every human being has a core need to belong. We want to know that people believe in us, approve of us, and accept us for who we are.
Acceptance is pretty easy when we’re dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! Before you know it, you’re trying to change your spouse.
When we use the God-tool of acceptance, we create emotional safety in our marriage and give a beautiful gift to our spouse.
These 8 tools are Christ-like responses that allow for failure. They embrace authenticity. They break the chains of unrealistic expectations and unfair comparisons. They acknowledge we’re all in the process of maturing and being sanctified.
As we use these tools to grow our marriages, we discover the grass really isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; it’s greener where we water it!
We use these God tools, along with other powerful frameworks, diagnostic tests, Christian marriage support, and personalized guidance in our Marriage 2.0 Intensive to help you strengthen your connection and keep growing together when the hard moments come.
If your marriage is hurting (or simply stagnating) and you’re ready to stop wondering what happens next, we’d love to talk with you about whether a Marriage 2.0 Intensive could be the right next step. Schedule a no-pressure conversation with us; you can share a little bit about your situation, and we’ll determine if an intensive weekend is right for you–and if it’s not, we’ll give you clear direction for the next steps you can take. We can’t wait to meet you!
