Today’s #MarriageMonday is brought to us by Sharon Jaynes, author of the new book Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, and Sexual Intimacy. Not only that but we’re giving away a copy of one of her books! Want to enter the giveaway, just leave a comment about your favorite date night activity on this! (If you’re a subscriber that gets my blog by email, click here to go to the post and leave a comment!)
In our sex-saturated culture, we are constantly bombarded by destructive, unrealistic depictions of romance and intimacy. But is the real problem that we focus on sex too much—or that we value sex too little? Do we really understand, let alone practice, the wondrous gift of intimacy between a husband and a wife? In Lovestruck, Sharon takes us back to the Bible’s beautiful picture of romantic love, a picture that is explicit but not illicit, sensual but not sordid, daring but not dirty.
You can learn more at www.LovestruckBook.com.
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I was going through a drawer at my mom’s house, looking for a scratch pad, when I came across a small vinyl record. It was in a cardboard sleeve dated 1950. My dad made the record for my mom when he was in the Korean War—the first year they were married.
He talked about how much he loved her, couldn’t wait to be with her again, and how much he missed her. There was so much emotion in his voice, I could hear it crack. I listened to the scratchy recording slack-jawed. How in the world did this happen? I thought. How did this couple who obviously loved each other in the beginning, end up having such a terrible relationship filled with violent arguing and months of silent passive aggression?
From my earliest remembrance, I didn’t think my parents liked each other, much less loved each other. I spent many nights hiding in a closet with my hands over my ears to shut out the yelling. But apparently, they didn’t start out that way.
How did that happen? How does that happen?
In the Song of Solomon, Solomon prayed that he and his Shulammite would watch out for the “little foxes” that could sneak in and sabotage the blooming vineyard of their love. (Song 2:15). But just as those foxes can sneak in and ruin a blooming relationship, they can also sneak in and wreck a mature marriage.
Little foxes are anything or anyone that can creep in and weaken a marriage. If they aren’t dealt with, little foxes become big foxes with fangs of disappoint and claws of resentment.
The list of little foxes is extensive and different for every couple, but one that is common for all of us is the tendency toward apathy and indifference. What the Song of Solomon shows us is that indifference can happen, it did happen, and it can be avoided.
In the first two chapter of the Song of Solomon, the Shulammite, or female character, is head over heels with her man and can’t wait until they’re married. The book even begins with her saying, “Kiss me and kiss me again!” (1:2)
However, after their passionate honeymoon (which we are privy to read about), she begins to grow a bit apathetic. One night Solomon comes knocking. She’s not interested. Even though she had given him the key to her “garden,” its locked up and he can’t find that key.
“Not now, honey,” she says. “I’m tired. I’ve already washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put on my pj’s. Besides, I’m halfway asleep already.” (That’s my modern-day translation—not that I would know.)
We’ve all been there. Go ahead. Admit it.
The Shulammite learned an important lesson after their little spat. She made a decision to take action so the little fox of indifference wouldn’t sneak in and destroy the fruit of their marriage. Toward the end of the book, she shows us one way to prevent it. I envision her in the next stanza sauntering up to her husband as he’s overseeing the fields. She whispered in his ear, and her warm breath teased his neck. Tempting him. Flirting with him still.
“Come, my beloved, let us go to the countryside,
let us spend the night in the villages.
Let us go early to the vineyards
to see if the vines have budded,
if their blossoms have opened,
and if the pomegranates are in bloom—
there I will give you my love.
The mandrakes send out their fragrance,
and at our door is every delicacy,
both new and old,
that I have stored up for you, my beloved.” (Song 7:11–13)
Whoa, that might not be what you’d expect from your daily Bible reading, but God made sure it was in the Bible for a reason. I don’t think it took Solomon long to pack his bags.
It’s up to us to recognize when the low tides of intimacy threaten to ground the boat on the sandbar of apathy. Here’s what we can learn from the Shulammite about how to keep passion alive:
Be intentional.
Left on its own, a fire or a marriage won’t flourish but turn to ash. It takes intentionality and ingenuity to make lifelong intimacy a reality.
Have fun together.
It takes creativity and memory-making activity to weave commonalities into a life that is intertwined beyond unraveling.
Go away together.
Take time away from the monotony of matrimony to spend quality time together as lovers. (No kids allowed.)
Have fun together.
Go back and do the things you did at the beginning of your relationship. As God told the Ephesians who’s love had grown cold in Revelation 2:4-5…Remember and Return.
Don’t be afraid to try something new in the bedroom.
“Both new and old I have stored up for you” is a pretty good idea.
Communicate interest.
Let your spouse know that you still desire him/her.
Flirt and flirt some more.
Never stop flirting. (Need help? Check out The Flirt Alert!)
What about you? Which of the seven things we can learn from this Bible story do you need to be most intentional about?
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We struggle with intimacy after 35 years. I long for more but we have turned into great roommates. I wish my husband would agree to counseling or a marriage weekend but he adamantly refuses.
My favorite date night:
The planned dates and trips are fantastic, but some of my favorite date nights are from a simple request. “I need something at Menards. Do you want to go with me and we’ll grab a bite while we’re in town?” Some people might groan at this “date,” but it means so much more to me. This is his domain of being the maintenance guy in our home, yet he wants to include me. While most men concentrate on one activity at a time (Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel), he came out of his “fix this” box and thought to include me. No, looking for the right bolt in an aisle full of bolts isn’t amazing, but I am being a helpmate. Helping him in that area usually brings him more joy than other acts that I work hard to do. Also, it’s a 30 minute drive to that store, so we have conversation time on the way there and on the way home. There is the added bonus of mealtime conversation (a meal I didn’t cook or clean up after). Yes, I could stay home and get so much more done, but I would miss some spur of the moment time with my guy. My guy that wanted me with him.
I love this date night! Just going out together for a common purpose can be fun!
I enjoy reading your blogs and getting insight to help with my marriage and with the children and grandchildren. I try to surround myself with encouraging friends and get the toxic relationships out of my life. Between reading your emails and doing my bible readings ( 8-13-19 I will finish reading the bible all the way through) I am now able to voice my feelings to my spouse. He sometimes says hurtful things, and of course he doesn’t realize that they are hurtful, so I got to understand they are hurtful, so hopefully he won’t say those things anymore. I’m not afraid to tell him anything, it’s just he takes it wrong and then we are both upset. Thanks for doing what you do. I would love to win the book.
Going to concerts is one of our favorite date nights. But I also really enjoy the long drive there just to talk without constant interruptions from the kids
We love walking and talking at our local state park in nice weather, or getting a hot beverage at McDonald’s and taking turns reading out loud to each other in the winter.
Good ideas to think about. Thank you for sharing.
My favorite date night was when we went swing dancing/ballroom dancing together! We both had so much fun.
We enjoy just doing dinner with no kids. Asking intentional questions (sometimes silly ones). But we also love a good escape room!
After almost 30 years…..and just now being an empty nester, we are finding intentional time for each other a challenge. We have started counseling and are seeing some improvement. I used to think counseling was for “problem” marriages and mine wasn’t…….big attitude adjustment there.
So, we are now trying to do the “enter into each other’s world” type of stuff. He likes to golf. I do not. So I go to look for golf balls…..and get to chat with him for a few hours (he’s a captive audience!) LOL I like to have him go to the store and run errands with me (we’re still working on that one……..) but I have to limit it and include a trip to Sam’s or Costco for him to “browse”. I like to go to listen to music and have a glass of wine, just to slow down……now, he’s trying it too. The counselor suggested he learn to SLOW DOWN, so now he’s at least conscious of it!
And my absolute fav idea is to go to an outdoor concert! It’s free. We pack a dinner and chairs and enjoy the evening! He’s actually liking it now!
I would love some more ideas and suggestions though, to get the interest going in the bedroom. We have let that lax with four kids and need to connect with each other again. We are entering our golden years and I want to enjoy our life to the fullest.
Tammy, good for you on using counseling at this stage of the game! It’s important! You might want to give our http://www.NoMorePerfectDateNight.com membership a try (you can do a free 7-day trial) and make sure you look for the “Let’s Talk About Sex” date night we have in there for our members! It’s a great one for getting the interest going in the bedroom!
My favorite date night we can easily do is to sit out on the deck…talking and snuggling having a real conversation no interuptions. But the best date night was the first time my hubby and I got 3 nights of the grandparents watching the kids and we got to travel. We have been working on putting our marraige as a priority and rekindling things for the past year. It has been a struggle since having kids and we realize that there wasn’t a lot of intimacy before we had kids, like we had thought there was. Learning and growing, changing things.
My favorite date nights are when our 4 kids are in bed and we just sit outside on our deck talking about anything and everything!!
It is a struggle to be intentional with intimacy and not just add it to the list of things to do – especially in the throes of raising kids….
With four teenage boys in the house, my husband and I will do just about anything for a date night. We used to not prioritize this because we envisioned date nights had to be these elaborate evenings, spending money we didn’t have. What we quickly realized was it is not the activity that is important; it’s us spending time together that’s critical. We do our best to budget for those nicer “dinner and a movie” evenings. But sometimes life happens and our date nights are a walk through a bookstore while sipping coffee or just a drive through the country. Anything to get away from the demands of children and re-kindle that fire. ❤️