Managing Expectations in Marriage | Episode 247

If we’re being completely honest, many of us enter into marriage with stars in our eyes and the hope that our spouse will live up to our every expectation. Isn’t it funny how we can spend months preparing every last detail for our marriage ceremony—yet we spend little, if any, time preparing our mindsets for what our marriage will actually look like in practice?

That reality often shows up fast—like the moment you realize the person you just vowed forever to puts the toilet paper on the roll backward! No matter how big or small they may be, unmet expectations can cause conflict, disappointment, and frustrations to develop in your marriage and other relationships.

Today, we have the honor of sharing a special episode with you. Earlier this year, Mark and I did a workshop on managing expectations in marriage for the FamilyLife Love Like You Mean It Cruise (which we highly recommend!). With their permission, we wanted to share it with you as well.

While this message was created for married couples, the reality is that all of us need to manage our expectations better. After all, they can impact all areas of our lives—from our kids, to our extended family, and even our friendships.

In this episode, you’ll learn about:

Four types of expectations
Where unrealistic expectations come from
How we use cats and dogs to describe attachment styles
And more!

Understanding how expectations may be showing up in your relationships can help you avoid dynamics that contribute to discontentment, disappointment, and more. We hope you enjoy this special episode—recorded in front of a live audience!

Resources mentioned in this episode:

My Key Takeaways:

1) Discover the expectations that have snuck into your relationship. It’s time to put on your detective’s hat and start asking some good questions—questions that get at the root of your spouse’s real wants rather than what you may assume or expect them to be. Sit down with your spouse and ask them things like, “How do you like to celebrate your birthday? How did you celebrate as a child? What elements of that are important to you?” This doesn’t just apply to birthdays. Ask questions about how you divvy up chores, who makes the meals, or how you decide how to spend your weekends. This will help both parties get their interests out in the open instead of expecting the other spouse to guess at what they want.

2) Recognize the red flags for unrealistic expectations. Anytime we have an expectation that our spouse should “just know” we want something, that’s a surefire sign that we’re harboring an unrealistic expectation. Why? Because it’s not fair to expect our spouse to be a mind reader. In all likelihood, they have no idea that this is something you have been yearning for—and they won’t know unless you communicate it to them. Two more red flags for unrealistic expectations are the terms “should” and “ought.”

3) Give each other grace to be different. God made us all different and unique. How one person thinks about things will be completely different from another. That doesn’t make one way “wrong” and the other “right.” It just means that our ways of doing things are different. As a couple, you need to learn how to work with each other’s differences and even appreciate them. We like to say that you have to turn your frustrations into fascinations. This means that instead of getting mad or frustrated and letting your anger boil over, try asking your spouse why they do things a certain way. You might be surprised to learn the reason or experience that shaped this behavior!

Would you like to be notified by email when a new No More Perfect Podcast episode releases? Just fill in your name and email and we’ll make sure you’re in the know!