Every marriage is an ongoing story with its own highs and lows, joys and difficulties. Depending on which season we are in, we may start to see marriage as the best thing that has ever happened to us or the source of our angst.
If you’ve been following our journey for a while, you know that my husband Mark and I share openly about the struggles as well as the victories in our marriage. God has used every obstacle we’ve encountered to grow us in so many ways.
The truth we hope you walk away with today is that marriage is actually our ultimate invitation to grow. If we allow it, God will use our marriage to shape us into someone who is deeper, healthier, and more rooted in Christ. Our guest believes wholeheartedly that if we are willing to examine the stories of our past that are influencing the present, we can write a new story for the future.
Dr. Dan Allender has a long history in the therapy world. As the author of over two dozen books and the founder of The Allender Center, he believes that true healing and restoration occur when we courageously step into our stories of pain.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- The value of vulnerably stepping into each other’s pasts
- Why it’s important to disrupt destructive patterns
- One of the key factors to resolve any conflict
- And more!
These principles have proven so beneficial in our marriage. We hope this conversation helps you write a new story for your own relationships.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Connect with Dan on his website, Instagram, or Facebook
- The Reconnect Institute
- [BOOK] The Deep-Rooted Marriage: Cultivating Intimacy, Healing, and Delight
- The Heart of Man Movie
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks.
My Key Takeaways:
1) Spend time listening to stories from your spouse. We often know facts about our spouse—like where they grew up or what college they went to—but we don’t always know the story behind those facts. When we take the time to listen to the stories behind the life events our spouse has experienced, we can begin to understand how those experiences impacted their view of the world. By doing this, we can develop more compassion, understanding, and empathy for our spouse.
2) Without awareness, we are doomed to repeat the same patterns. Have you and your spouse had the same argument over and over and over again? If so, then there is likely a pattern that needs to be disrupted. We need to pay attention to recurring conflicts—times when we begin to say things like: “You always…” and “Why can’t you just…” or even “It’s so annoying when you…” Instead of repeating the same pattern, it’s time to get curious about why our spouse does that thing or responds in that way.
3) A deep-rooted marriage offers space for you to experience what you are made for. Marriage is the ground from which redemption is meant to grow—a sacred space where, together, you reflect God’s image more fully and catch a glimpse of heaven. It’s true that there will always be highs, lows, and plenty of disagreements in any relationship. However, when we cultivate a deep-rooted marriage, it becomes a place where we can be further sanctified by God and draw closer to the supportive relationship with our spouse.
About Dan:
Dr. Dan Allender is a Christian therapist, author, and professor with an innovative approach to trauma and abuse therapy. For over 30 years, he has brought healing and transformation to hundreds of thousands of lives by bridging the story of the gospel and the stories of the past that mark so many. Dan founded The Allender Center to cultivate healing and train leaders and mental health professionals to courageously engage with stories of harm. He and his wife, Becky, live on Bainbridge Island in Washington, where they cherish time with their three grown children and grandchildren.
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