The act of giving a gift is truly special. It’s a way to bless someone else with something you’ve spent time, thought, and/or money on—an outward expression of love, care, and appreciation.
Giving is about generosity; it’s enriching someone else’s life, not your own. So surely, it’s always a selfless act… right?
It may not be fun to admit, but if we’re really honest with ourselves, some gifts are given with strings attached. Sometimes those strings are clear as day—other times, they are nearly invisible.
Nevertheless, the truth is that beneath the ribbon and wrapping paper, some gifts carry with them the quiet hope of getting something in return.
So let’s talk about it—how can we avoid the trap of giving for our own gain? Unpacking this topic starts with understanding why we give with strings attached in the first place, and that comes down to one sneaky culprit: unspoken expectations.
When we give with unspoken expectations, we are using the gift as a substitute for communication—an act that turns something meant to bless the recipient into a gesture that unfortunately falls flat for both parties.
If you’ve noticed your spouse—or yourself—falling into this trap, it’s okay; many times, we might not even be aware of the expectations we’ve wrapped up in our gifts. In this article, we’ll explain why this phenomenon happens, what makes it harmful, and how to overcome it:
The Bowling Ball Story
If you’ve never considered how gifts can be given with less than pure intentions before, this idea may feel difficult to grasp. That’s why we’d like to share a story with you—it’s one we tell frequently during our speaking engagements because it perfectly illustrates this concept (and usually gets a good laugh):
It was the morning of our second Christmas together. Mark was practically overflowing with excitement—he had wrapped quite a heavy gift under the tree for Jill, and for weeks, he’d been gleefully awaiting her reaction. Meanwhile, she’d been wondering what in the world this present could be.
When the time came to open gifts, Jill excitedly peeled back the wrapping paper covering this mystery gift to discover…a bowling ball. It had her name engraved on it—and a matching bag, too. Plus, as Mark pointed out, it was purple—her favorite color.
And that wasn’t all—as Jill hesitantly eyed her personalized ball with a mix of confusion and apprehension, Mark revealed that there was more to the gift. Running to his closet to retrieve part two, he returned with a big smile on his face and a big red bowling ball in his hands—one that had his name engraved on it.
As Jill stood there, glancing between the two colorful bowling balls and Mark’s gleeful expression, the one thought on her mind was:
But Mark, we’ve never gone bowling together—not once in our lives!
Would you like to guess how this story ends—how many times we actually made use of this extravagant gift to go bowling together? If you said zero, you’re unfortunately spot on.
In fact, the last time we saw those beautiful red and purple bowling balls engraved with “Mark” and “Jill” was when we sold them at a garage sale. (We can only hope that the new lucky owners share our same names.)
Looking back on this story all these years later, we can see the humor in it, but we don’t tell it just to share a chuckle. Let’s dive deeper into the real lessons we can take away from this tale.
When Giving Comes with Expectations
Why did Mark choose to spring bowling balls on Jill on Christmas morning?
Because he had secretly been wishing, hinting, and hoping that the two of us would give this new activity a try together. Yet, instead of communicating that desire to Jill and working together to find a practical way to dip our toes into this new interest, he attempted to use a grand (but unwanted) gift-giving gesture to make it happen.
To help you identify when you may be harboring unspoken expectations like the ones Mark had in this story towards your own spouse, here are 3 helpful questions to ask yourself:
- What do I secretly long for from my spouse?
- What do I expect, but I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell my spouse?
- Where are loaded words like “should” or “ought” coming up in my thoughts about my spouse?
Gift-giving can be a subtle way we express our unspoken expectations. We tell ourselves, “If I’m giving a gift, it can’t possibly be selfish.” But thoughts like these can blind us to what we’re actually hoping to receive in return.
When we talk about giving, it doesn’t always have to mean handing someone a literal wrapped present. You can give someone:
- Physical objects (gifts, purchases)
- Acts of service (doing chores, running errands)
- Words of affirmation (encouragement, praise, compliments)
- Quality time (planning a date, being fully present, sexual intimacy)
Could you (or your spouse) be attaching unvoiced wants to any of these kinds of gifts? We’ve all been there at one point or another—but now it’s time to explore what it looks like to detach expectations from gifts so we can make our impact just as positive as our intentions.
How to Give with No Strings Attached
Here are some examples of thoughts that might lead someone to give with unspoken expectations (without necessarily realizing what they’re doing):
1) If I give my spouse a gym membership, they’ll have to start working out.
2) If I give them tickets to see my favorite sports team, they’ll come and act excited.
3) If I give my spouse a massage, that means we’re definitely going to have sex tonight.
4) If I buy them something expensive, they’ll forgive me for that argument last week.
5) If I buy us fancy new pots and pans, we’ll finally start cooking more meals together.
Now that we’ve given you examples of problems, let’s take a look at some solutions. We’ll be exploring examples 1, 2, and 3 from the list above to see how we can reframe these giving attempts in a more thoughtful way:
EXAMPLE 1: The Gym Membership
Step 1: Understand your unspoken expectation.
I want us to live long, happy, healthy lives together. (Resist the urge to tell them you’re concerned about their health. That will likely make them defensive.)
Step 2: Communicate your request clearly.
Pick a considerate time to sit down and discuss your desire to live long, happy, healthy lives together with your spouse. Share your desire for the two of you to exercise together and ask if they would be open to that.
Step 3: Give them a gift that isn’t attached to your desires.
Instead of using a gift to replace a conversation, you’ll have the conversation with them about your desire. And if they are not interested in physical activity, you will hand that disappointment to God and pursue exercise on your own.
You’ll give them a gift that is something they would love that isn’t connected to exercise.
EXAMPLE 2: The Sports Game
Step 1: Understand your unspoken expectation.
I really want to watch this game and I wish my spouse would be excited about it, too. However, I recognize that, just because expensive sports tickets are an impressive purchase, that doesn’t make them a good gift if the person receiving them doesn’t really want to go.
Step 2: Communicate your request clearly.
Share with your spouse: “I know you don’t get very excited about sports, but I’d love to have you join me for this particular one. I love it when you’re with me. Could I get tickets and you and I can go together?”
Step 3: Give them a gift that isn’t attached to your desires.
I’ll buy my spouse tickets to that new musical they’ve been dying to see—and I’ll go enjoy it with them to support their interests.
EXAMPLE 3: The Massage
Step 1: Understand your unspoken expectation.
I wish that my spouse and I would have sex more often, but it can be awkward to broach that subject, so I am just trying to hint at my wish for intimacy through physical touch.
Step 2: Communicate your request clearly.
Share with your spouse, “I’m missing more regular sexual connection. I know you don’t desire it as much as I do, but could you and I brainstorm ways we can reignite our spark?”
Step 3: Give them a gift that isn’t attached to your desires.
My spouse works hard every day. I want to give them a heartfelt massage with no strings attached—just so they can experience some rejuvenation and relaxing physical touch. I will keep my expectations in check because I know that feeling the weight of that unspoken expectation throughout the massage will make the experience less enjoyable for my partner. If I get excited, I can enjoy that feeling without having to act on it.”
Now that we’ve walked through these three steps for the first 3 examples listed above, we have a challenge for you—can you reflect on this framework and think through a plan for examples 4 and 5?
At the heart of every meaningful gift is a genuine desire to bless—not to manipulate, fix, or prove something.
That’s why it’s important to recognize the unspoken expectations we’ve unknowingly packed into the present we’re giving so that we may remove them. Anytime you find yourself giving your spouse a gift, ask yourself—am I expecting this gift to say something that I’m not willing to communicate out loud?
If so, take a step back, determine your unspoken expectation, communicate it clearly, and give a gift to your spouse that truly has no strings attached. This will make the act of exchanging gifts more meaningful in your marriage—replacing confusion and resentment with connection and gratitude. Gift-giving is so much more fun when both partners are receiving things they’re genuinely excited about, instead of getting saddled with engraved bowling balls that never quite make it to the lanes.
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If you are looking for more lessons and tools that will help you avoid these frustrating communication pitfalls and connect with your spouse better than ever before, be sure to check out our FREE Marriage Crash Course!
