Jill: Disagreements are bound to come up in any relationship, but they can lead to even bigger arguments as you merge your life with another person in marriage. Mark and I are no different! We’ve had disagreements over how to remodel our kitchen, how the dishes go into the dishwasher, our differing desires for sex, and more. If you can disagree about it, we probably have!
Mark: When disagreements happen, it’s easy to quickly turn to arguing or trying to control a situation; or on the flip side, we can withdraw, become passive, and just do what we want behind the scenes. Neither of these responses is healthy for a marriage.
Jill: One of the best things we did was to dig into our personality styles to better understand how God made us AND how He made us different from one another. Too many of our disagreements have started simply because we didn’t have a good understanding of one another’s perspective.
Mark: Disagreeing is actually an important part of marriage. It’s what happens AFTER a disagreement that determines whether it brings you together or pushes you further apart.
Jill: We will see things differently from our spouse. We will have different perspectives. We will have different opinions. When we learn what to do with those incongruities, we can bring life, instead of death, to our relationship.
Mark: Defusing disagreements is what’s most important. While conflict is deeply personal and nearly always stressful, when we are aware of how to handle it, we can incorporate some wise proactive strategies to defuse it before it escalates.
Jill: Most importantly, we have to understand that it’s possible to disagree well! For Mark and I, it’s taken us time to learn to accept each other’s differences and to communicate well about them. However, we’ve learned a few helpful strategies along the way that we want to share with you now. Here are six disarming phrases to disagree well:
1. Tell me more.
Mark: This is one of our favorite phrases to utilize! It lets your loved one know you’re listening. It invites him/her to share their whole heart and everything they are thinking on the topic of conversation.
Jill: Here’s an example of how we’ve used it. Mark had a rough day the other day. He expressed his frustration. I sat down at the dinner table with him and said, “You mentioned it was a rough day. Tell me more.” This opened the door for a great conversation.
Mark: In the midst of disagreement, we can use this phrase as well. When our spouse expresses frustration, instead of becoming defensive, we can say, “I want to understand where you’re coming from. Tell me more about what you’re feeling or thinking about this.”
2. What I hear you saying is…
Jill: This phrase reflects back to your partner what you have heard them say. Think of it as the same concept as what happens when you order fast food in the drive-through lane. You place your order and they repeat it back to you. Then you either correct them if they got it wrong or you let them know they have it right. When you’re using this with your spouse, it doesn’t mean you agree with what he or she is saying; it simply shows that you’ve heard what he or she is saying.
3. I agree with you on…
Mark: When you can find one or more things you agree upon concerning the issue being discussed, it helps remind you both you’re on the same team and sets the pace for working together. Once you’ve established what you both agree on, the issues of disagreement often don’t look so large. Jill: We recently used this when we were discussing a financial decision. I responded with, “I agree with you that we should so X, however, I would feel more comfortable if we would take Y into consideration.”
4. I… (rather than “you”)
Mark: Using “I statements” helps to keep defensiveness out of the picture. “You” blames while “I” explains. For example, “I feel disrespected and parented when you speak to me like that,” is far more effective than “You always parent me and I’m sick of it.”
5. I receive that.
Jill: Maybe your spouse has expressed frustration that you have once again been too controlling. You know he or she is right and is holding you accountable. “I receive that” lets your spouse know that they are correct and you’ve heard what they are saying.
Mark: Often an apology and asking for forgiveness might follow. Jill just used this statement the other day. I expressed some frustration about how she had handled a situation. She thought about it for a moment and said, “I receive that. I need to think about it a little more, but I receive what you’re saying.” It was so helpful to know that she accepted my feedback.
6. I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?
Jill: Too often we cut our apologies short with just, “I’m sorry.” Asking for forgiveness puts a question on the table to the party who was offended or hurt. Once they are able to offer forgiveness, closure is experienced in the conflict and the broken place in the relationship can be restored.
Disagreement often brings out the worst in us. Our efforts to be heard, to force our spouse to agree with us, and to get our way, put “me” before “we.” Our hope is that by adding these six phrases to your toolbelt, you will be more equipped to tackle your next disagreement differently. Instead of seeing all the ways you and your spouse are different, may we start by listening, be willing to receive feedback, speak kindly in response, and give generously in marriage. Which disarming phrase can you put into practice this week?
If you’re ready to take a next step in understanding yourself and your spouse as well as increasing the tools you have in your marriage tool belt, take our On-Demand No More Perfect Marriages Seminar in the privacy of your own home! It’s a marriage seminar you can take in your jammies!
