Dear Jill,
My spouse says they are sorry. I believe they actually are, but I can’t shake this nagging worry that they might break my trust again.
Every small sign makes me jump to conclusions and fear the worst. What can I do to calm my doubts and trust them fully again?
How do I know they won’t betray me like they have in the past?
– Afraid of Being Hurt Again
Dear Afraid of Being Hurt Again,
I completely understand your fears and concerns. Even after Mark fully recommitted to our marriage following his affair, I still had doubts and worries that would pop up unexpectedly. I wanted to believe the best, but there were still occasional triggers that would make me wonder when I would fully be able to trust him again.
It’s easy to wish that the healing process would be nothing but blue skies and smooth sailing. But we know that reality is not always so simple, and bumps in the road are part of the journey.
Triggers will inevitably appear along the way. For me, passing by the hotel where Mark would go to meet the affair partner was a big one. But anytime a circumstance, location, or thought would trigger me, Mark took the opportunity to push accountability and answer all my questions honestly (sometimes more than once). He continued to demonstrate his commitment to rebuilding our relationship, consistently and patiently.
Even if your spouse has done some of these same actions to repair and rebuild, it’s normal to feel uncertain and wonder when you will be able to trust again. Just because you said “I forgive you” doesn’t mean the pain of broken trust is completely erased—the healing process takes time.
Today, Mark and I can say that we’ve walked the path of rebuilding trust—and we’ve helped hundreds of other couples do the same through our coaching and intensives. These experiences have given us a deep understanding of the signs that indicate both spouses are fully committed to rebuilding trust.
On October 22nd, we’ll be sharing more about our story, plus the 6 stops you and your spouse must make along the road to rebuilding trust and so much more in a FREE live Rebuilding Trust webinar. If both you and your spouse are ready to recommit, this is your path forward—sign up here to secure your spot.
In the meantime, here are 6 signs we would look for to help you determine if it’s safe to start trusting again:
1) They’ve turned away from their old behavior.
There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it. They have completely turned away from their old behavior that broke your trust and made sure not to leave the door cracked open. We like to refer to this as the “U-turn.” It’s when the betraying spouse makes a 180-degree turn—away from their hurtful actions and back towards God (and their spouse).
In our story, it took over a year from the time Mark began his affair to the moment he decided to make a full U-turn and commit to rebuilding our marriage together. It was a long process, and I wasn’t sure Mark was “all in” on our relationship until he took this important step.
Making this turn can look different depending on how your spouse broke trust. If they broke trust with finances or gambling, making a U-turn will include full access to your financial records and no undocumented spending. If your spouse broke your trust through infidelity, it will likely look like breaking things off with the affair partner and blocking all forms of communication.
For many couples, this step can feel like one of the biggest hurdles to overcome, but it’s absolutely vital to get this right. You cannot proceed down the road of rebuilding trust until this step is properly completed. Mark “returned” to our marriage seven times, but it wasn’t until he was willing to completely cut ties with his affair partner and make the U-turn that I could feel confident this time would stick.
2) They seek to understand how their actions hurt you.
Anyone can half-heartedly offer an apology without truly feeling sorry. Someone who is committed to change and cares about how their actions harmed you will take the necessary steps to understand every aspect of how their choices hurt you.
It starts with a genuine curiosity about how their actions impacted you. They might ask questions like, “Tell me more about that,” and “Looking back at my actions, I know they must have hurt you, but I’d like to hear from you what that was like.”
What happens next is really important: they listen. They don’t excuse their behavior, try to lessen the blow, or come to their own defense. They hear you out in this moment, merely interjecting to ask “Is there more?” or to repeat back what they heard you say for clarity.
3) They push full transparency.
When I was in the process of healing, any opportunity that little voice of doubt or worry had to creep into my mind was blocked by Mark’s commitment to pushing transparency and accountability.
When I had a chance to doubt Mark’s faithfulness because he needed to travel to or through the town where his affair partner lived (we have family who still lives there), he pushed accountability by always taking me or a friend on the trip with him.
Mark made it so I didn’t have to wonder what he was doing or when or with whom because we had full transparency. And that transparency wasn’t something I had to beg for or “pull” out of him. He took the lead to initiate it.
There were no more locked phones or secret emails. He had made it so that there wasn’t even any appearance of possible secrets anymore. It’s pretty difficult to fear the worst when your spouse is committed to being an open book.
4) They are willing to say “I’m sorry” as many times as necessary.
Forgiveness isn’t a one-time event, especially in the cases of broken trust and betrayal. While I may have said “I forgive you” to Mark at the very start of rebuilding trust, there were still many more times he had to ask for my forgiveness.
While there is certainly one primary way your trust was broken, there are still many more secondary fractures to your trust. For us, the primary offense was the affair; however, Mark also used our finances to rent out hotels and told lies to hide what he was doing. As we encountered and processed each way trust was broken between us, forgiveness had to be revisited again and again and again.
With each instance, Mark was willing to hear my hurt. He met me with understanding, was truly remorseful about what he had done, and continued to communicate how sorry he was for how his actions had harmed our relationship.
5) They are working on 2.0 growth.
We all have baggage we bring into relationships; this includes our attachment styles, our view of the world, our childhood, and past experiences. We like to refer to who we were before our marriage crisis as Mark and Jill 1.0, but now that we have done the personal growth work to address the dysfunction we both brought into the relationship, we refer to ourselves as Mark and Jill 2.0.
This is an important step because it addresses the underlying beliefs that fuel the dysfunction and betrayal to begin with. In our relationship, Mark believed that he didn’t have a voice to express his wants or needs. This was a belief he picked up during his childhood. The bitterness and discontentment caused by this harmful belief was a big part of what fueled his determination to find happiness outside of our marriage.
These patterns and beliefs don’t disappear with a new relationship. Sure, they might take a backseat for a while, but if you don’t take the time to address your personal baggage, then you will be doomed to repeat the past.
6) They display a pattern of consistent, changed behavior over time.
We like to use the analogy of a bathtub. When trust is broken, it’s like all the water was drained from the tub. In order to rebuild trust, you have to fill the bathtub back up again, sometimes one spoonful of water at a time.
Trust isn’t rebuilt in a day, a week, or even a month. It takes consistent, changed behavior over time. You have to give your spouse time to show you that they have changed.
Rebuilding trust is one of the hardest things to do in your marriage. We know, we’ve been right where you are. We’ve wondered:
How can I trust again?
What can I do when it feels like there’s no hope?
How can I avoid the pain of falling back into a marriage the ‘way it was’ before trust was broken?
We’re answering these questions and more in our upcoming Rebuilding Trust Live Webinar. We want to emphasize that this webinar is designed for couples where both spouses are committed to rebuilding. If your spouse is showing some or all of the signs we outlined in this blog, and you’re both ready to heal your marriage, join us for the webinar and we’ll show you how.
If your spouse isn’t there yet, click here for a different webinar that we created for you during the “waiting” time.
And if you happen to be reading this after the webinar has taken place, you can still click the link to view the full recording for free.
P.S. Many of the takeaways in this blog were inspired by the books Mark and I wrote for spouses who are navigating broken trust, My Heart is Broken and I Really Messed Up.
