“Sex…I could go the rest of my life without it!”
I said these words years ago to my husband, Mark, as we drove up to the bed-and-breakfast we had reserved for a two-day getaway. “I have no desire. I’m so tired, and I can’t seem to ever meet your needs!”
After spending the previous four years either pregnant or nursing, I couldn’t even remember what it was like to be a lover.
Our physical relationship had always been a source of struggle. Mark’s desire was sky-high while mine seemed non-existent at times.
We know we aren’t the only couple to have struggled with mismatched sex drives in marriage. According to some amazing research done by my friend, Shaunti Feldhahn, and Dr. Michael Sytsma in their book, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, a staggering 79% of couples are not on the same page when it comes to the frequency of sex. And only 21% of couples have an equal sex drive.
I know firsthand that when your libido lags behind your husband’s, it’s easy to feel stuck in a pit of embarrassment, guilt, and anxiety. It took me years to work through some of the underlying causes of my low libido and for Mark and I to discover a sexual dynamic that feels happy and healthy for both of us.
In this post, I want to speak to the wife who is struggling with this today and share 3 tips I wish someone had given me all those years ago:
1) Reflect on why your desire may be lacking so you can take the approach that best aligns.
A low libido can stem from several factors, many of which overlap. That’s why it’s so important to take the time to dig into our present and our past to discover some of the potential root causes for our low desire.
Here are a few of the factors that can contribute to a lower sexual drive in women (remember, you may be experiencing more than one):
- Religious guilt
- Shame around sex from household environment growing up
- Traumatic or negative sexual experiences in the past
- Physical/medical issues
- Mental health struggles
- Overwhelm in general life
- Struggling to “feel sexy”
- Post-partum challenges
- Lack of education around sex
- Unrealistic expectations
- Emotional distance
I really want to stress that taking some time to gain clarity on your own inner world is so important if you want to see real change in your sex life.
We wouldn’t allow a doctor to simply start throwing treatment plans at a patient before examining and properly diagnosing them. The same principle rings true here!
What works for one woman or couple might not be ideal for another. This is why it’s so crucial to identify the root cause(s) of your low sexual drive (to the best of your ability) so you can take the right action.
Consider this example:
Sarah and Rob might find that their lack of intimacy results from feeling that their sexual dynamic has grown stale and repetitive. They’re craving something new and exciting, like what they felt when they first got together. For them, introducing toys, new positions, or lingerie to the bedroom might be the spark that gets the flame restarted.
But imagine Erica and John, a couple who have been disconnected emotionally for years. They don’t feel like they can have authentic, open conversations, and their hearts have drifted miles apart. For them, introducing lingerie to the bedroom might fall completely flat, and trying out new positions might make them feel even less connected to one another. For this couple, going to counseling together to regain emotional intimacy and trust might be the key that unlocks the intimacy both spouses have been wishing for.
Take some time to sit down and dig deep into your heart and mind. If you are feeling ashamed, ask yourself when you first internalized the message that sex is something to be ashamed of. If your current life season finds you in the trenches of child-rearing, consider if life obligations have made your spouse feel more like a roommate than romantic partner. Leave no stone unturned, as this will be the foundation for finding hope and healing. (If you need help figuring out the root issues going on, set up a coaching call and we’ll figure it out together!)
2) Shift your perspective to see sex as a gift designed to bring both spouses pleasure—not as a duty you fulfill for your husband.
Are you stuck in the false belief that sex is for your husband and not for you? I was stuck there myself for a long time before I took the time to challenge that belief and really understand what my body craved in the bedroom.
There are many reasons why women can start to believe this lie.
If you grew up in the church, you may have encountered the idea that one of the duties of being a good wife is catering to your husband’s sexual desires, even when you aren’t in the mood. However, this messaging is not aligned with what God actually designed us for. He created both genders to enjoy sex. The biblical book of Song of Solomon expressively communicates God’s plan for the intimacy shared in marriage.
You may find yourself feeling frustrated and even used if you have thought that sex was merely a duty. We want to change that belief and replace it with the truth: Sex is a gift from God for both partners in a marriage.
Another reason why wives can start to view sex as a duty is simply because of the way our bodies are made. Many women aren’t able to reach climax from penetrative sex. And when a woman routinely fails to experience pleasure during intercourse, she can start to believe that sex is just a chore that she has to participate in as a sort of “favor” for her husband. This can lead to her becoming a reluctant participant, or to rejecting her husband’s attempts to initiate sex altogether.
If this resonates with you, I want to remind you of something important. A woman’s primary sexual organ, the clitoris, has one primary function: to provide pleasure! That means that God gave women a part of their body that has no other purpose than sexual pleasure. That’s a really important message from God we don’t want to miss!
As a woman, you deserve to experience pleasure during sex. It’s not simply a “nice to have”—it’s an important part of a healthy, mutually enjoyable sexual relationship. I’d highly recommend talking openly with your husband about what the two of you can do to make sex a more pleasurable experience for both of you.
When sex becomes something you genuinely enjoy, you may find yourself more receptive to sexual connection—and that’s a win-win for both of you.
3) Understand the difference between “initiating desire” and “responsive desire.”
When I made my comment to Mark on the way to our bed-and-breakfast trip about not having any desire for sex, I was missing a key piece of the puzzle.
I was thinking of sexual desire as a feeling that just springs up spontaneously out of nowhere—like getting a sudden urge in the middle of doing the dishes to drop the plates and jump into bed with your spouse.
What I didn’t understand at the time was that this is not the only way desire can show up.
Initiating desire is what most of us think of when it comes to our sex drive. We feel physically excited and our body longs for our spouse—and this arousal drives us to initiate intercourse.
Responsive desire works a little differently. You may not feel aroused out of the blue, but once you begin engaging in a sexual experience with your spouse, your body will likely “catch up,” and arousal can follow. People with responsive desire sometimes assume they have little or no sexual desire because they don’t experience that initial spark. But their desire may simply emerge in response to intimacy rather than before it.
Regardless of your desire type, I want to remind you that you were created to enjoy and find pleasure in sex! You have all the right “ingredients”, you may just have to take a leap at times and trust that the arousal will follow.
I so wish more women knew about these different types of desire. When you’re the spouse who initiates less often, it’s so easy to get caught up in a web of shame and guilt—and nothing kills sexual desire faster than shame and guilt.
When you understand that it’s normal and very common for desire to emerge in response to sexual intimacy, you don’t have to feel like something is wrong with you. Instead, you can learn to initiate out of valuing being together sexually. You don’t have to wait until you’re “in the mood.”
Having mismatched libidos in a marriage can feel isolating and frustrating. But I want you to know that you don’t have to grit your teeth and bear it. You don’t have to shrug your shoulders and accept that “this is just how it must be” in marriage. Both you and your husband deserve to have a fulfilling sex life that fosters connection, excitement, and deep intimacy.
Mark and I have come a long way from how our sex life was during that bed-and-breakfast trip. Not only have we transformed our own relationship and intimacy, but we’ve helped hundreds of other couples do the same. One thing we can assure you of when it comes to sex is that we’ve heard it all before—and we know what really makes a difference.
This blog is a great starting place, but we’ve only scratched the surface here. Mark and I go far deeper into this and other topics in our Great Sexpectations Masterclass. In it, we teach:
- Why God created sex, including the purpose most of us were never taught
- What quietly gets in the way, from differing desire to old messages from church or family
- Practical tools for outside and inside the bedroom
- Why scheduling sex changed everything for us
- And so much more!
The best part is that this masterclass is on-demand, meaning you can watch at your own pace from the comfort of your home and revisit the lessons whenever you need a refresher. Our hope is that we can help you avoid the pitfalls we experienced and give you the guidance you need to unlock the marriage you’ve been dreaming of, sex and all!
Learn more or gain instant access to this course >>
