When we were early in our marriage, I often said to Mark, “Sex… I could go the rest of my life without it!” And he totally believed me. True story! Needless to say, we had all kinds of challenges in that area of our marriage, and eventually, we sought out sex therapy. And it was a game-changer for us!

It’s no secret that sex is an important part of any marriage, but we are often hard-pressed to talk about it honestly with one another. It can be hard to find Christian resources to dig into this somewhat taboo topic, and yet it is one of the areas that can drastically impact your marriage for the better!

Today, we are talking about how to get a different perspective on sex. Helping us do that is Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma. They are the authors of a new book called Secrets of Sex & Marriage: 8 Surprises That Make All the Difference. Shaunti is a bestselling author, social researcher, speaker, and has a graduate degree from Harvard. She uses her analytical background to help relationships thrive. And Dr. Michael Sytsma is an ordained minister, licensed professional counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, professor, and national speaker.

In this episode, you’ll hear:

  • How they collected information about sex and marriages
  • The two primary ways desire works
  • What the true gatekeeper to having more sex is
  • And more!

It’s a great conversation I’m looking forward to sharing with you!

Resources mentioned in this episode:

My Key Takeaways:

1) We have to dispel our Hollywood-based ideas around desire. Hollywood is all about initiating desire. A man and a woman see each other and sparks fly! However, the majority of people prefer receptive desire. In this form of desire, the steps actually work in reverse. Initiating desire is where you feel desire and then act. With receptive desire, however, you have to decide to engage with your spouse sexually and then you get the sense of desire after things progress. We need to stop associating a higher sex drive with the partner who has initiating desire and recognize receptive desire.

2) The issues in the marriage are what keeps you from more sex. Shaunti and Michael’s research shows that it is more likely that both partners aren’t getting as much sex as they would like. This came as a shock to both partners. What they found is that It’s often things outside the bedroom such as energy management, connection, and other issues that prevent couples from having more sex.

3) Be the kind of person that is always seducing your spouse. We typically associate seduction with the bedroom, but what we mean here goes beyond the physical. In marriage, we tend to take on the attitude of take-it-or-leave-it when it comes to who we are. But we actually need to be living life in such a way that is attractive to our spouse. When we are mindful of their feelings, and desires, and show them loving care any action can be seductive!

About Shaunti and Michael:


Shaunti Feldhahn is a best-selling author, popular speaker, and internationally renowned social researcher. For more than half of their 25-year marriage, the Feldhahns have investigated the little things that make a big difference in relationships and have written books to share truths that help relationships thrive. Find her on Facebook, Instagram, and her website!

Dr. Michael Sytsma is a licensed professional counselor, Certified Sex Therapist, Certified Professional Counseling Supervisor, and ordained minister. Michael is the founder of Building Intimate Marriages and co-founded Sexual Wholeness, a Christian non-profit dedicated to training, equipping, and certifying professionals in human sexuality. Michael uses his skills to teach couples important truths about marriage in a fun and interesting way, helping them to grow into healthier, transformative relationships with their spouses.


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