So yesterday morning…on the way to church…Mark and I got into an argument. Yes, the Marriage Monday people have conflict in their marriage…and yes, they have conflict even on the way to church.
We’re still not done with the argument yet, mind you.
Oh we’re on speaking terms…even went to a Christian concert last night…but we’re still navigating the conflict and we will until we find closure. And that’s what today’s Marriage Monday is about…closure in conflict.
Mark says…
For years, Jill and I would have unsettled issues in our marriage. We’d disagree, get angry, and truly end up no where better than where we started.
Jill says…
We’ve come to understand that we weren’t alone. Many couples deal with conflict and never get their disagreements settled…they just get swept under the rug.
Mark says…
Sometimes that happens when one person needs space or time to deal with their emotions. But when they are given space and time, they then don’t want to bring it back up for fear of more conflict. Sometimes it happens because we simply don’t know how to have healthy conflict with appropriate closure.
Jill says…
Yes conflict can be healthy. But not having closure erodes trust and weakens our relationship. Closure is important for feeling heard and respected. It also builds trust.
Mark says…
But what does closure look like in real life? How do we get there? Closure happens when both parties throw pride out the window, own their own stuff, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. See why some couples have trouble getting there? This is hard stuff!
Jill says…
Closure happens when we come to the understanding that we are on the same team. Our goal is not to “win” the argument, but to communicate our frustrations, hear our spouse’s frustrations, and come to some conclusions together to help us move forward.
Mark says…
Here are some helpful tips for navigating conflict and finding closure:
- Listen well. When your spouse is communicating their frustration to you, resist the urge to defend. Instead reflect back to them what they said to you. This will help your spouse to feel heard and will keep the conflict at a conversation stage instead of an elevated argument.
- Own your own stuff. Even if your spouse of 90% wrong and you are only 10% wrong, own your 10% (regardless of whether your spouse owns their 90%). If you’re having trouble figuring out where you were wrong, ask God to show you.
- Give a full apology. I’m sorry. + Will you please forgive me? = full apology. Most of us stop after I’m sorry. That’s a half apology. Asking for forgiveness and being granted forgiveness is what will actually bring about the closure you both long for.
If you’re joining us today for the first time because of the Ultimate Blog Party over at 5minutesformom, welcome to real life! We talk about it here…alot. Every Monday we chat about marriage, and the remainder of the week we talk about mothering, parenting, living with less, home organization, and more!
Since today’s topic is marriage, I’m giving away 3 CD’s of a Hearts at Home workshop Mark and I have done called Love For a Lifetime. I’d love to give away my marriage book Is There Really Sex After Kids? but it’s now out of print and we’re nearly out of copies at Hearts at Home. However, I know there are still new and used books available on Amazon, if you’re looking for some great encouragement for keeping your marriage a priority in the midst of mothering.
To enter the drawing for the Love For A Lifetime CD, simply share one of two things: share one thing you do to resolve conflict in your marriage OR share one thing you are doing to nurture your marriage. This way we can learn from each other and maybe win something!
Oh and by the way, congrats to Jen (happy little homemaker) and Stacy Sanders. They both won a copy of Real Moms…Real Jesus from yesterday’s discussion. I’ll send you both an email with directions for getting your book!
Speaking of Real Moms…Real Jesus, Hearts at Home is running a Mother’s Day special on this book for churches or moms groups who want to purchase the book as a special gift for Mother’s Day. If you order 30 copies or more, we’re making the book available for $5 a copy! Call 309-828-MOMS by April 25 to order your copies and have them delivered by Mother’s Day!
I always try to say I am sorry and ask for my husband’s forgiveness when. Sometimes it takes longer than other times.
We are not always that good at resolving conflict in our marriage. Especially because there isn’t always a straight forward solution. But one thing we do try and do is take time to cool off before discussing an issue again.
I always try to say that I am sorry for any conflict that i have caused and I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I get too angry. I pray for our marriage everyday and try to remember to send little notes/texts and calls throughout the day!
The last conflict that we had, we were arguing over whether or not to make a pretty big purchase. I was acting…I’ll say it…bratty. We went to bed frustrated with each other. I tossed and turned and couldn’t sleep because I knew I was in the wrong. So, rather than wake him up to talk about it again and because he leaves for work before I get up in the morning, I wrote him a heartfelt apology on a post-it, yep a post-it. I put it on the bathroom mirror so he would see it before work. Writing it down, knowing he would see it in the morning helped me to be able to relax and go to sleep that night.
Well conflict here at my house can be difficult as i am a believer and my husband is not, so conflict is sometimes really hard. But whenever we have a conflict i try to be the one who says i’m sorry will you forgive me. It doesn’t matter who’s right or wrong and i almost never bring up the conflict again. We try to nurture our marriage by going for walks and talking or having a nice picnic together.
One way we resolve conflict is sitting down, having no distractions and each of us saying why we are upset or mad and then taking it from there. It’s always good to listen and find out what is wrong cause it may just be a misunderstanding. To nurture our marriage, we are making sure that we are praying together every day.
In terms of resolving conflict, sometimes we have to agree to disagree and put it aside until we can both talk about it calmly. We also try not to let the sun go down on our anger. Going to bed angry is never healthy in our marriage.
I try to respect my husband, and show him that respect through my words and actions. (this is not always easy!) I think this is especially important for the example it sets for our 2 teenagers and 2 younger boys.
“What is one thing you are doing to nurture your marriage?”
We’ve started doing projects around the house together – not as a “we’ve got to get this done” but as a way to share time together while also getting things accomplished. Most recently it’s been yardwork, which led to riding around different areas of town for ideas and several trips to the garden center. It’s nice to create something together that doesn’t require college tuition! : )
The one thing we do to solve a conflict is to list the pros and cons. Sometimes we finally will just say “Let’s agree to disagree on this matter and move on.”
The main thing we try to do to nurture our marriage is having an adult conversation about our day after the children go to bed no matter how tired we are. We try to focus on the scripture that talks about not letting the sun go down on our anger.
This has worked wonderfully for us. It does not mean that we don’t go to bed angry at each other, it just means that we ‘shelve it’ until we can resolve it.
To nurture our marriage we have one night a week that we get the kids to bed early and have “us” time. No tv… we try to tackle one important discussion (budget, scheduling, discipline issues, etc.) and then we do something fun–play cards, have ice cream in bed, do sudokus together, read together…
Normally when my hubby and I disagree, I make my point then let it go. Sometimes, it goes further (leading into a full blown fight) but I try to make a conscious decision to let him know my opinion and then trust that he makes the right decision. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I am very outspoken and opinionated, so to let my hubby take the lead is something that I am constantly working on. I am beginning to see that usually his thoughts work out for the better. I tend to overreact and he is just calm and thoughtful about things, so when things cool down….I usually agree with his decision. This has made it a little easier to let him make decisions, even when ‘in the moment’ I don’t always agree.
Sometimes, we have to agree to disagree and then we each make a promise not to bring it up again, that we’re finished with the topic and enough is enough. However, I find that we tend to disagree more when we don’t spend enough time together. That fact has been proven over and over in our marriage. When we spend time together, even if it’s an hour at a time, we have nothing to focus on but each other and “reconnect” again. Now, with baby #4 on the way, we’ll have to find time to rearrange the schedule again and get that one on one time together. Will it be difficult, absolutely, but will it be worth it, absolutely, even more than before!!
To nurture our marriage, we’ve recently started going on bi-monthly date nights.
We try to set aside regular time to re-connect during the week. We also take about 3 overnights per year to check in deeply with one another and review goals for our marriage, our children, our ministry, etc. and pray for those things. I’ve also found consistently praying for my husband throughout the day increases my love for him more than I ever imagined. A wise mentor once told me that praying for more love for your husband is a prayer God will always answer b/c it is His will.
I’ve been reading through, “The Power of a Praying Wife” and working through, “The Love Dare.”
Never go to bed mad or angry! We also do a HomeFellowship Group together with other couples. It is a great way connect.
One thing I am learning (from the Power of a Praying Wife) is to “shut up and pray”. God then shows me where I am wrong, how to better approach my husband when we need to talk out our conflict, and He gives me the words to say.
We also make sure that we put our young kids (2 and 5) to bed by 8 pm so that we have time together each night. Even if we only spend 5 minutes chatting, it is 5 minutes WELL spent!!!
My husband and I saught counseling, we used the same person but I did a session first to deal with my stuff and he went after to deal with his. The counselor then met with us both to help us to get on the same page and help us to determine some next steps.
Several years ago I encountered “Open Hearts” ministry aka soul care. And continued my journey of healing by sharing my story with other women in a small group setting and going through the lessons to understand the damage done to me and the damage I do to others. I wanted my husband to go through a group but he was hesitant so I didn’t push I just kept healing, changing and praying for him. Just before Christmas this year God changed his heart and he joined a group as well.
Understanding the baggage we’ve both carried into the past has helped us to understand why we are triggered by each other in various ways in the present. Now when we have conflict we have some powerful tools to help us process through our feelings and thoughts and we are always able to resolve the issue and go to another level in our marriage.
We wait until we have both cooled down before getting into any more discussion on the sensitive subject!
My husband & I have five children, 2 have emotional disabilities (Bipolar, ADHD, and tourettes). So most of our conflict lies in dealing with these issues. One of the best things we’ve done is attend a Sunday school class called “Family Matters”. It really gives us good bibical ways of looking at our issues and where we need to improve in our parenting issues. It also helps to be with other parents dealing with the same issues (probably not as intense as ours, but we don’t feel alone). One of the things we do to nuture our marriage is to sit and make time for each other every night after the kids have gone to bed.
We never go to bed angry! If we’re upset at each other we’ll talk it out, sometimes fight it out, even if we have to stay up really late..until both of us come to some sort of agreement or until we both agree to disagree. Another thing is when we discuss certain projects around the house, I let my husband take the lead on planning them. We both wanted to plant a garden this year. I let him plan everything out, find all the materials (he wanted to do a raised garden), we both picked out what we were going to plant and I asked him about EVERYTHING…even though I was raised around a garden w/my family. That seemed to really boost his spirits. We’ve been having a “tiff”…not really a fight but agreeing to disagree discussion for several months..closer to a year now over him wanting to buy a gun. The mom side of me say “NO NO NO NO” because of our children and at times he can be careless about keys, cell phone, etc… However, after listening to a Joyce Meyers webcast “Wild at Heart” with John & Stasi Eldredge; the Holy Spirit started softening my heart. I had to let him know that I trust his judgement & I trust him to make the right decision. All I can say is I’m a work in progress! 🙂
After 40 years of marriage we still argue at times and they tend to be over differences of opinion! And as our memories get worse we have the same ones sometimes!! Just kidding, we keep an open mind, (most of the time), and try to deal with the issue in a reasonable amount of time. Prayer ALWAYS puts it all into perspective so it is an integral part of the process!!
I love it! 🙂
My husband doesn’t like to hash out things. I do. Conflict isn’t easy for us because he’s done way before I am. Sometimes he continues to talk when he wants to be done. Sometimes, I let things go.
Our conflicts are resolved in a much healthier way if I don’t react emotionally first. It’s best when I bite my tongue and we just talk instead of letting my emotions dictate my response.
We nurture our marriage by sending the kids to Grandma’s house one Saturday night a month, so we can have an evening and morning alone in our own house!
My husband and I are both praying for each other using Power of a Praying Husband and Power of a Praying Wife. We hardly ever get date nights out, but we make sure to have date nights in, either playing a game or doing a puzzle, just as long as we are together.
We are starting to do devotionals together before we go to bed. We’ve started turning off the TV and talking more and interacting more to grow our relationship!
To resolve conflict we have learned to say I’m sorry. Both me husband and I are strong-willed and hate admitting we’re wrong in the least so this is a biggie for us. To nurture out marriage, when he gets home I make him the priority. If I’m on the phone I hang up, if the kids are talking I ask them to give me just a minute, anything just to acknowledge that he’s home.
A few things that my husband and I do to nurture our marriage is have a date night or a weekend away together. With the little ones running around it can be very difficult to remember that you aren’t just co-existing with another adult in the house or even co-parenting. You are married; you love each other. Have a date night or a trip together to help remind yourself of how you enjoy spending time together! Another thing is that we like to read books together before bed. We usually take turns reading a chapter aloud to the other and then discuss what we read.
Hi!
One thing we try to never do is go to bed angry. We have been richly blessed and don’t argue often. This past weekend was one of the rare times and we always try to apologize after each other has had time to cool down. I am one who does not like confrontation and will bite my tongue before saying anything and this is something I have had to learn to handle better. He doesn’t know something has upset me unless I explain it sometimes. 🙂
The daily little things help to nurture our marriage. First thing hubby does when he gets home is fill a large glass with ice water…if I know he is on the way home I have one waiting. If he gets home before I do he will open my garage door…yes I have an electronic door opener in my vehicle but it gives me such a warm feeling to know he is anticipating me coming home. Little things, but they make us want to come home to one another.
Donna, I love that he sometimes anticipates you coming home! That’s neat!
We are always struggling with this, but something we are working on is making sure we hear what the other person is saying and not reacting defensively.
Currently my husband and I are part of a small group that is doing a marriage study. It has been a great experience for us to discuss issues with other couples and know that we are not alone. Even though we are both believers and working toward the same goal, it is often extremely difficult to resolve issues. It has helped us to see that although many marriages seem perfect, everyone has challenges. It also holds us accountable to reading God’s Word and our “marriage books” that help us nurture and build upon our relationship. We are very fortunate to have this group of friends…I would encourage others to take the step to find other couples who are interested in starting a small group study.
Now that our two oldest children are 14 and 12, we can leave the younger children in their charge for a few hours. So every 2 weeks, my husband and I combine the regular grocery shopping trip (which he now takes with me) with a “date”. Sometimes we actually have a meal out, or indulge in specialty coffees from our favorite roastery: more often it’s an art gallery, museum, or library. Time to talk and connect.
Yup, my husband & I struggle with that same conflict-resolution issue! We talk & talk…but don’t always come to a place of ‘solving’ it or agreement.
One thing we’ve tried is deciding who ‘cares more’ about the issue: so that even if we can’t agree, the one who ‘cares less’ will back down, concede the issue, and choose to stand in agreement.
The best way we’ve (re)started nurturing our marriage? Date night! With seven children, from age 15 months to 15 years, it’s been hard to cultivate the romance. Now that our older kids can babysit their younger siblings…and with the baby getting past that baby-stage…we’ve renewed our commitment for date night. Thursday nights, every other week; have to take the time to get all dressed up for each other, even if we just go to dinner & end up in the diaper aisle at walmart!
We’re both really expressive & passionate – so life can be a roller-coaster. In the heated moments, I’m learning, ever learning, to Shut My Trap. And to sometimes just throw my arms in the air and scream thru the loop-de-loops! But truly, there’s no one I’d rather ride the roller-coaster with!