“My Spouse Forgave Me. Why Does My Marriage Not Feel the Same?”

Dear Mark and Jill,

I really messed up. I did something I shouldn’t have, and in the process, I betrayed my spouse’s trust. When they found out, I knew I needed to come clean and take full responsibility.

I’ve answered their questions honestly and expressed how I have no intentions of breaking their trust again. Most importantly, I’ve sincerely said the words, “I’m sorry” many times.

The good news is, my spouse accepted my apology and said that they wanted to continue our relationship despite what I did.

But the bad news is, things just don’t feel the same now.

Our relationship has become a bit distant and awkward. Sometimes I feel like my spouse still doesn’t trust me or is expecting me to mess up again.

I don’t understand how one mistake can erode the years we spent building up our bond. I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do—now I just want things to go back to normal. Can you help me?

– Looking for Connection Again

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Dear Looking for Connection Again,

We are so happy that you reached out and are committed to doing the work to regain the trust of your spouse. Whether that broken trust was due to infidelity, not following through on your promises, being irresponsible with money, letting your emotions get out of control, or something else entirely, there’s one truth that applies in any situation where a betrayal has taken place:

It takes time to heal and trust fully again.

In our own story, and with countless couples we have coached, we have learned that just because forgiveness was given doesn’t mean that trust is immediately restored. The pain caused by a betrayal has a tendency to linger, and wounds don’t heal overnight.

Here’s an analogy we often use to represent what is really happening when trust has been broken:

Trust is Like the Water in a Bathtub

Before a betrayal has taken place, you have all the trust in the world between you and your spouse! You don’t have a reason not to trust one another—and you’ve likely spent years strengthening your bond and earning one another’s trust over and over again. Your hearts are completely full of trust, just like a bathtub that has been filled to the brim with water.

Once your spouse’s trust was broken, it’s like someone pulled the plug and all the water drained out.

People tend to think that when you apologize, the faucet gets turned back on, and it fills the bathtub up again. In reality, all the word “sorry” does is put the plug back in the drain so that it can hold water again.

Here’s the truth—the bathtub will need to be refilled one tablespoon of water at a time. These “tablespoons” represent positive actions such as:

Taking accountability for the hurt you caused
Repeatedly following through on what you said you would do
Having conversations about the hurt you caused
Giving your spouse time to work through their feelings
Saying “I’m sorry” multiple times, not just once
Making efforts to connect with your spouse and reassuring them often
Avoiding dodging responsibility or making yourself the victim
Building new, healthy patterns in your relationship

As you can imagine, it will take some time to refill your bathtub of trust. Rebuilding the connection you lost will be an extended journey, too! It’s likely that things will feel “off” for a while before they return to normal.

To be completely honest, your relationship may never feel exactly the same as it did before trust was broken. But that doesn’t mean it’s destined to feel worse. When both of you are committed to healing and growing, you can rebuild something even stronger—like a bone that heals tougher after a fracture.

Forgiveness is Layered

Do you recall the first time you were forced to accept someone’s apology (or give an apology that your heart wasn’t truly behind)? Many of us are taught from an early age that uttering the words “I’m sorry” is all it takes to make amends and move forward.

“Forgive and forget” is a big oversimplification of how things work in the real world. Forgiveness is a layered process that unfolds over time, often requiring repeated effort for different aspects of the same hurt. It’s not a single moment—it’s an ongoing journey.

In our relationship, Jill’s forgiveness took time. Mark had to be patient. When feelings of distrust or betrayal would rise up in Jill, Mark had to repeatedly offer reassurance and repentance for creating those feelings of fear and insecurity.

It took time, sincere apologies, and consistent proof of change before we finally reached a place where trust was rebuilt and true forgiveness felt complete.

At this point, you may be wondering if your spouse was really sincere when they accepted your apology and offered forgiveness. We can assure you they were! Even though they genuinely accepted your apology, it still takes time to heal the hurt and rebuild the broken trust your actions caused. While this process may seem painfully slow, rest assured that time heals all wounds—as long as intentional efforts are being made.

Rebuilding Trust

Our marriage is living proof that rebuilding trust is possible. We’ve been where you are now. We know how you are feeling, what it’s like facing a world where there’s no more “normal,” and what it’s like to be searching for hope that you can recover what’s been lost.

Thank you for writing to us for guidance, Looking for Connection Again—we hope our advice brings you hope and clarity. If you’d like even more help, we offer a course that provides additional tools for rebuilding the connection you and your spouse once had and nurturing an even stronger marriage than before.

Broken trust is one of the hardest challenges to recover from as a couple, and it can feel impossible to know where to start on your own. That’s why we created our 6-Part Rebuilding Trust Course. We want to help you move your marriage from hurtful, to hopeful, to healed and happier than ever before! This course is ideal for couples where both spouses are invested in moving forward together.

If your marriage is suffering from broken trust but you are the only spouse who wants to invest in repairing the relationship right now, we have another course that is designed for you: The Wait Is Not Wasted. This resource is a 5-Part guide to creating peace within your soul while inviting your spouse back into your marriage (without being a pushover, a nag, or a fool).

While the path to healing from broken trust isn’t always easy, the journey is worth it. On the other side is a 2.0 version of your marriage, where both you and your spouse feel loved, safe, and secure.