Intimacy is a core part of marriage, yet it’s a topic many couples struggle to navigate.
And because it’s so personal, those struggles can feel isolating—like you’re the only ones dealing with them.
We want you to know that isn’t true.
This is one of the most common challenges couples bring into our coaching sessions and intensives.
After nearly a decade of doing this work, we often say there’s truly nothing new under the sun—and intimacy is no exception.
We’ve observed that couples experiencing challenges with intimacy will often assume that the source of the problem is physical.
One partner may worry they aren’t attractive enough or that something going on with their body is preventing them from thoroughly enjoying the experience.
While there can certainly be physical factors at play when your intimacy is struggling, we like to remind couples that the brain is the largest sex organ in the body—so one of the most effective ways to improve intimacy in a marriage is to address what’s going on inside of both spouse’s heads.
Mental barriers around intimacy vary between men and women, so we’ll be breaking up our advice into two separate sections:
For Wives: A Letter from Jill
Have you ever tried to go from “making meatloaf” to “making love” in 30 seconds flat?
For women especially, our minds and bodies often won’t let us shift modes that quickly. This is true whether you are a stay-at-home mom or a career mom. Our minds get wrapped up in the details of what we were doing (or what we still have left to do in the day) to the point that we can’t turn it off.
We can’t expect our headspace to shift gears instantly and effortlessly. We have to have a plan for making the transition. After we determine the plan, we need to put it to action. I have found that when you do this, the desire and the feelings you’ve been searching for will most likely follow.
Consider the emotions you felt when you were first dating your husband. I met Mark on a blind date just two weeks before I began my freshman year in college. We dated throughout my freshman year and were married the following summer. I remember waiting for his phone call every evening. I remember anticipating the time we would spend together. I remember the excitement building the closer it got to Friday evening when we would usually go out.
After we were engaged, I would stare at my diamond ring for minutes at a time, thinking about the man I loved.
These butterflies are so common in the early stages of relationships. Even the Bible talks about them! In Song of Solomon 5:4, we read about the beloved waiting for the lover to come home. She says, “My lover thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.”
Can you recall some of the emotions you felt when you were first dating your husband?
Fast-forward three, five, seven, ten, twenty or more years…whatever brings you to today. Sure, you think about him now and anticipate his arrival home. However, instead of your heart, now it’s your head that pounds as you watch the clock counting the minutes until he can come home and HELP you!
Do you see what happens? In the midst of marriage, a career, and children, we stop thinking romantically about our husbands.
Here are four strategies we recommend to overcome this barrier and help prepare your mind for intimacy:
1) Replace the enemy’s lies with God’s truth. It’s easy to fall into the trap of being very judgmental and critical of our husbands. This man who could do no wrong before marriage can do no right after marriage. I struggled with this greatly. My criticism and harsh judgment were killing our marriage. I finally realized that, instead of looking for behavior changes in my husband, I needed a heart change for me. As critical thoughts entered my mind about Mark, I replaced them with God’s truth about him. As I start seeing Mark as who he is in God’s eyes, my heart begins to pound for him.
2) Take a few minutes to yourself before intimacy or a date night. This gives you much-needed time to shift out of “mom” or “work” mode before focusing on romance. You and your spouse can build the anticipation throughout the day by exchanging flirty texts, affirming how much you desire one another, and taking the time to anticipate intimacy.
3) Normalize talking about sex. The act of getting naked with another person is a deeply vulnerable thing. It’s only natural that we feel awkward or even embarrassed when the subject of intimacy arises—especially if we’ve never broached the topic before. It’s important to take the time to explore and discover what turns you on. Women in particular often need encouragement to learn about our own bodies in a healthy way and then share what we’ve learned with our spouse.
4) Pay attention to the subtle sexual cues in your body. When I started doing this, I noticed that the few times I had any thoughts about sex were never at night—but almost always during the day. Let me tell you these were fleeting thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless. As I began to pay attention to these thoughts, the desire for intimacy began to build well before we initiated sex.
For Husbands: A Letter from Mark
Although you and I are usually able to focus on physical intimacy whenever we want, our wives are more easily distracted by the responsibilities of work, home, and children. Sometimes it’s a challenge for them to make the switch from “mom” to “wife.”
Early in our marriage, I discovered a book by Dr. Kevin Leman, entitled Sex Begins in the Kitchen. I thought, “This is the book I’ve been looking for! We need more variety in our sex life, and the kitchen is a great place to start!”
In all seriousness, when I started reading the book, I found that his premise was that sex begins in the kitchen when a husband is supportive and involved in family life and household chores. His help in the kitchen, or with the children, speaks love to his wife, who then feels valued and is more open to the expression of physical love.
Jill came home from her moms’ group one day and confirmed this further. In their small group, they had discussed what kept the fires of passion burning. What activity drew them closer and helped her feel connected to him? Each mom shared that she felt physically attracted to her husband when he helped with dinner, lent a hand with folding laundry, or assisted with the children’s bedtime routines. Yes, that means emptying the dishwasher is a version of foreplay!
Now you and I have to be careful here. We don’t want our efforts to assist our wives to come across as manipulation to get sex.
Rather, our actions should be driven by the desire to serve them in such a way that they know that they are valued and loved. Our goal needs to be to love them with all of our hearts. If you haven’t been attentive to your wife’s needs, start today:
Ask her how you might be able to help her more. Discover what fans the flames of passion in her. Maybe it used to be flowers and chocolate, but I have a hunch now–especially if children have entered the scene–it’s more like time, attention, and a little bit of help around the house.
We hope these tips prove helpful in your marriage! We strongly encourage you to try putting at least one of them into practice this week—when you are in a hard season of marriage, it can be tempting to get stuck in the “research” phase of seeking resolution, but often, the most powerful thing you can do is take action, even if you don’t get it perfect right away.
These are just a few of the techniques and strategies we teach couples to help them address the mental side of intimacy. We get so many questions about this topic that we did a 8-week deep dive on sexual intimacy as part of our Date Night community a couple of years ago—it was called Great Sexpectations!
READ: 7 Questions We Always Get About Sex | #MarriageMonday
And we’ve got some good news. This series was so popular that we are now doing another deep dive on this topic: Great Sexpectations 2.0! We strongly encourage you to join our Date Night community today so you can follow along with this series in real time and join us for a Live Q&A we’ll be doing at the end of the series. Your membership will not only give you access to this brand new content, but you’ll also receive access to our entire archive of Date Night coaching material, including our first series on sex.
Starting this week, we’ll be walking through this topic together for six weeks in a way that’s honest, faith-centered, and practical.
Click here to learn more about our Date Night Community and join us on this exploration!
P.S. The insights in this blog were inspired by one of our books, Is There Really Sex After Kids? Grab a copy for yourself here:
