“Help! How can I get my spouse to stop nagging me?”

These types of remarks are never pleasant—not for the giver, and definitely not for the receiver. We know—we’ve been there. Every couple has probably dealt with nagging at some point. But when these comments become the norm instead of the exception, they can start to drive a wedge between you.

There are many reasons why nagging shows up in a relationship. It could be because the spouse being nagged is avoiding the tasks they need to get done. There could be a past betrayal of trust that is causing the nagging spouse to doubt if their partner will actually follow through. Sometimes, the spouse doing the nagging might need help to change their communication style and give their partner more grace.

It’s certainly a common stereotype for husbands to be the ones expressing frustration with a “nagging wife.” But the truth is, either spouse can fall into this pattern—and often, both partners find themselves switching roles.

Improving communication and learning how to stop nagging in a marriage are just two of many skills we help couples with in our marriage intensives. Even if your marriage isn’t in full-blown crisis, taking intentional time to invest in your relationship can take you from coasting (and slowly drifting) to reconnecting on a deeper and more fulfilling level. If you think some personalized guidance could benefit your marriage, learn more about our 2.0 Marriage Intensive Retreats.

In the meantime, here are 5 tips we share with couples to help them uncover the root cause of nagging and alleviate the strain it’s putting on their marriage:

1) Choose to assume the best about your spouse.

At the heart of nagging is often unrealistic expectations. We want our spouse to fully meet our desires, sometimes without us even having to communicate them. But when our expectations are sky-high, we can’t see the progress they are making and the effort they are putting in.

For instance, we may want the dishes to be put away in the dishwasher the “right way.” If we are focused on that expectation, then we might say that our spouse is always failing whenever a dirty dish is out of place. As a result, we don’t see how, even though our spouse forgot to clear the kitchen table, they did check around the family room to collect the glasses that were left behind.

Choosing to give our spouse the benefit of the doubt and consider things from their perspective goes both ways.

For the spouse making the requests, this means acknowledging that your expectations may not match reality. Pause to consider whether you were clear about when you needed something done or whether your spouse may have misunderstood your request. What else is on their plate? Are there other stressors in their life that could be making it difficult to follow through?

For the spouse receiving the reminders, consider: Why is this task so important to my spouse that they keep bringing it up? Go to your spouse and get curious. Ask how leaving this request unfinished has affected them so you can better understand why it matters. For future requests, agree on a clear deadline or timeframe for completing the task. You might even use a physical or digital list to keep track of shared responsibilities and their mutually agreed-upon due dates.

2) Communicate the impact of nagging.

Nagging is ineffective because of what it communicates to our spouse. It’s often used to belittle, scold, or shame the other person. Nagging says, 

“You don’t measure up.”
“You are failing.”
“You can’t be trusted.”

Instead of harboring this resentment, open up a dialogue between you and your spouse.

Let your spouse know why you feel the need to remind them while also listening to the way your words have made them feel. If you are the spouse being nagged, be honest about how your partner’s communication choices are making you feel, and work together to determine a different approach you can try going forward.

Now, here’s the catch: if you are the one complaining about being nagged, you have to hold up your end of the bargain if you want to see positive, long-lasting change. Your spouse might hold their tongue for a while, but if you are genuinely falling behind on important household tasks, they might find it hard to keep their reminders inside forever.

Make sure you follow through on tasks in a timely manner without needing to be reminded. Show your spouse that you can be trusted to do what you agreed to. That might mean being a little more proactive in the beginning to calm their fears and display that you will complete their request.

3) Identify the reason things aren’t getting done. 

Just as there are many reasons why we could be avoiding a task, there are also some legitimate reasons we haven’t gotten around to completing a request.

You or your spouse may have been assigned a project at work that requires overtime, and when you get back home, you don’t have energy to do anything else.

Another reason could be that it’s a task that requires multiple steps or a special skill. For example, taking the time to work through our past with a therapist or coach is rarely going to happen in one session. Likewise, if you need to replace a part on the toilet, you first need to research how to do the repair, ensure you have the right tools and parts, and set aside time to actually complete the job.

If your circumstances or ability to complete the request has changed, rather than avoid the task, see if there’s an alternative. You might ask your spouse for their help or see if it can be completed later. Another option is to outsource the task by hiring someone to do it. You might say something like,

“I know you asked me to help with the laundry more, and I had planned to do that this week. However, with the big project and extra hours at work, I haven’t been able to do that. What do you think if I were to hire someone with the extra money I’m making to come this week and help us catch up?”

This acknowledges the importance of the task, shares the reason it hasn’t gotten done, and offers a solution.

4) Reallocate tasks and responsibilities.

I think we can all remember a time when we agreed to do a task, but we really didn’t want to. It could be because we hate doing the laundry or loathe getting all hot and sweaty when we mow the lawn. When this is the case, working up the motivation to actually complete the task can feel like pulling teeth.

When this occurs, it’s time to go back to our spouse and apologize for agreeing to the task to begin with. Explain to them why you’ve been avoiding it. That might look something like this: “I know I agreed to wash the dishes, but I really dislike that task. It’s been making it hard for me to complete it. However, I don’t mind taking on trash duty or deep cleaning the bathroom! Can we divide up our chores differently?”

Remember, continued inaction will only further communicate to your spouse that we don’t value the task or our partner. Rather than white-knuckling your way through the task, you ask your partner if you can complete it together and afterwards reward yourselves with a fun treat. This could be pizza, a night out, or something else you both enjoy to celebrate a job well done.

If you are finding that every task or request is a source of nagging and avoidance, it might be time to have a more in-depth conversation with your spouse. It could be that you have a mismatch in priorities regarding how you spend your time, energy, and resources. When this occurs, it’s important to establish common ground and find where you can agree on the shared life you are building together.

5) Take some time to check your heart.

We can’t have a conversation about nagging without talking about the importance of checking your heart. Are you nagging because of an insecurity or broken trust in the past? Are you avoiding the task out of spite or laziness?

Before we go to our spouse, first take some time to examine and own your part of the situation. Even if you have the purest intentions, your actions or inaction can communicate hurtful messages to your spouse. 

If you have been avoiding completing a request due to spite, avoidance, or laziness, it’s time to change your ways and get it done.

If you’ve continually been nagging your spouse without giving them reasonable time, space, and agency to complete a task on their own, it may be time to take a step back and give them the opportunity to follow through independently. Remember when you were a kid and were just about to wash the dishes, but then your mom told you to do it? Suddenly, all your motivation disappeared. Sometimes, repeated reminders can have that same effect. Instead of motivating your spouse, they can make them feel less inclined to follow through. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is give them a little space.

Take some time this week to assess and pray about how you’ve handled nagging. Have you had the best intentions but it’s led to negative results? Are there attitudes or behaviors you need to ask your spouse to forgive?

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Nagging isn’t a one-faceted issue. There are usually multiple underlying factors to address, which is why simply asking your nagging wife or nagging husband to stop doesn’t work. 

Regardless of whether you are the one nagging or the one being nagged, there could be many motivations, intentions, and logistics at play that cause friction in your relationship. We hope these five tips have been helpful as you take the first steps toward resolving nagging in your relationship.

We also recognize that these tools are just the beginning, and the way they’re applied in practice will look different for every relationship. That’s why we want to make sure you know about our 2.0 Marriage Intensive. In this private weekend retreat, we work with you one-on-one (and two-on-two) to help coach you through the dynamics of your relationship. We take the time to help you diagnose what’s causing dysfunction in your relationship, and we give you the tools to sustain long-term change so you can enjoy a happier, healthier, 2.0 version of your marriage.