When you hear “hostage negotiation,” the first thing to come to mind probably isn’t relationship advice. But you may be surprised to learn that the same skills professionals use to talk someone down in a crisis situation are precisely what a marriage or parenting relationship needs on its hardest days.
While this conversation may be a little different from my usual guests and topics, it was incredibly enlightening—and it just might have a profound impact on the way you approach hard conversations. My guest is not only an FBI-trained hostage negotiator, but he’s also the person TEDx turned to in order to help a divided nation find common ground.
Scott Tillema is a global keynote speaker on high-stakes communication and negotiation. He has 20 years of experience in law enforcement and he rose to the role of a lead negotiator on one of the country’s largest SWAT teams. His TEDx talk, The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators, has been viewed over 1.3 million times. Scott now helps ordinary people navigate difficult conversations and lead with greater influence.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- Rules of effective negotiation to use in your relationship
- The best strategy to deepen connection
- Four elements of having good conversations
- And more!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Prefer to watch this episode? You can now view and subscribe to our YouTube.
- The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators | Scott Tillema | TEDxNaperville
- It’s Not About the Nail Video
- Connect with Scott on his website, Instagram, or LinkedIn
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks.
My Key Takeaways:
1) The keys to productive conversations are information and options. Being able to identify and call attention to these elements is a learned skill that starts with being a good listener. Many times, couples get “stuck” in an argument because they can only see a few of the options, and none of them achieve what the couple is hoping for. When we are able to practice good listening, what we are really doing is obtaining critical information that allows us to assess every option available to us. And when we have more options, we are more likely to come to a favorable resolution.
2) Consider the timing of when you initiate hard conversations. How often do you consider when you bring up a tough conversation? Do you consider what mindset your spouse is in? If they just came home from work, they may not have had time to think through the issue; they could have had a bad day, or they could be hungry and prone to snapping back at you. We need to be thoughtful about when we have these conversations. This doesn’t mean you have to be a mind reader. You can simply practice asking your spouse, “Is now a good time?” Remember, sometimes going to bed angry so you can both get quality sleep is the best option to avoid unnecessary conflict due to tiredness.
3) Make adjustments to how you deliver the message. Sometimes it’s not what we say; it’s how we say it. When was the last time you practiced your delivery when you had to bring up something uncomfortable or hard with your spouse? If you are like most of us, the answer is likely never. And yet the speed, intensity, and tone of our words can drastically impact how they are received. When we are under stress or pressure, our delivery is the first aspect of communication that suffers. If you have a tough discussion to address this week, first practice what you are going to say and consider shifting how you say it. Does your intensity communicate anger? Is your rate of speech conveying that you want to rush past an apology? I’ve found it helpful to record myself and then watch it back later to be able to identify shifts I need to make in the way I communicate.
About Scott:
Scott Tillema is a global keynote speaker on high-stakes communication and negotiation. He has 20 years in law enforcement and rose to a lead negotiator on one of the country’s largest SWAT teams. His TEDx talk, The Secrets of Hostage Negotiators, has been viewed over 1.3 million times. Scott holds degrees in behavioral science and forensic psychology, plus advanced negotiation training at Harvard Law School’s Program on Negotiation. Scott now helps ordinary people navigate difficult conversations and lead with greater influence.
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