So many of you have been praying for me and my family and I am so grateful. I also want you to know that your prayers have made a difference. In the past few weeks, my husband has made a U-Turn and has been walking back toward our marriage and our family. I am so thankful for your prayer partnership.
Reality is still reality, though. I’m still sleeping single in a king-sized bed and honestly evenings and nights are the hardest for me. This is when loneliness kicks in. It’s when feelings of rejection threaten to overtake me and tears of pain seem to come without warning.
However, this is also when I draw closest to God. I talk to Him as a friend and He talks to me through His word. I try to read my Bible each night when I crawl in bed (Psalm 61, 62, 63, 139 and Galatians 5 are favorites) . His word changes my perspective…it replaces lies with truth. That truth brings me hope in the midst of what sometimes feels hopeless. It squashes fear that feels so tangible. It brings me peace…a peace that passes all understanding…truly a peace that makes no sense.
And as I crawl under the sheets, the last thing I usually whisper before I sleep is, “Hold me Jesus. I need to feel your arms around me.” And He does. And I do.
Do you need to ask Jesus into your reality? Just talk to him as a friend. He’s waiting for you to take his outstretched hand.
I may be sleeping single in a king-sized bed, but I am not alone.
And neither are you.
Update: May 2012: Mark has returned to his family and his marriage. We are grateful for God’s continued healing in our lives and we trust that He will use this dark and difficult season for His purposes.
Update: June 2013: Mark and I are celebrating 30 years of marriage and we are so grateful!
Update: June 2019: We just celebrated 36 years of marriage!
Update: Feb 2022: We are getting ready to celebrate 39 years!
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Oh sweet Jill, I was just having my quiet time and you and Mark were on my heart. I will continue to lift you both to Jesus and have hope in him that you both will be comforted and mended in a way that only He can.
Thank you for this update Jill. We are praying constantly for you. You are not alone, the everlasting arms are beneath you. Hugs and blessings Dirkie
I thank God that He does hold you and that you are clinging to Him. I continue to pray for you and Mark and your family.
Thank you for your honesty and truthful words. It has been such a blessing to many of us to know that none of us is perfect, we all struggle and we all need Jesus! Blessings to you.
Beautiful. Thank you for allowing the rawness of your story to touch ours.
God is definitely with you! You are doing so much better than most people in your situation (I had to take medication to sleep and stop me from having panick attacks every morning I woke up alone). I will continue to pray for your strength and patience, but especially for Mark to choose the path God has prepared for him, rather than the path many men make for themselves outside of God’s will.
Jesus, You are King. You are Lord. You are in control. You see. You are strong. You fight on behalf of those who love You. You are bigger than the enemy who came to steal, kill and destroy. You give, produce life, and flourish. We rest in that rejuvenation ability right now. As Easter nears, we remember so keenly what You had to do to eradicate our sin, to set us free. It meant death, and during that Saturday all seemed lost. Thank You that the end of Your story was life on Sunday. Bring resurrection to the Savage family right now, in small ways, in big ways, in supernatural ways, in miraculous ways. Do amazing things that later they can sit back and marvel at how good and big and strong You are. Comfort. Redeem what’s been taken. Provide deep, deep rest. And show them all that You see. Amen.
I know exactly what you mean about the loneliness kicking in at night. i can go through my whole day kind of ok… because I can keep extra busy.. but when the night comes it is just me.. my husband has been wrongfully accused and incarcerated for a 25-50 year sentence for crimes he didn’t commit.
He has been gone 811 days that’s two and a half years. One would think the loneliness would subside and one would adjust.. but it just doesn’t work that way. I know that he is alive and that is worse than him being dead..in my opinion.. I can talk to him about 2 times a week for about 10 minutes and I get to see him one time a month where I can kiss him once when I get there (after driving four and a half hours) and once when I leave to make the long journey home.. alone.
During this horrendous nightmare.. I too have prayed to the Lord.. ‘Lord will you just hold me please.. the hot stinging tears always roll down my face.. then the Lord holds me and allows me to rest in His arms of grace..
I know that without the Lord here with me.. my ship would have sunk the first night..
I am holding on to God’s promises and believing for a miracle.. that night when turn for comfort from the Lord.. he will say I have a surprise for you.. and there will be my innocent husband.. ready to love me and hold me in his physical arms..
Jill thank you for sharing this with us.. I will say a prayer for you as you pray for Mark to come back to you.
take care from another gal sleeping single in a married bed.. which by the way I had to get a single bed.. the agony was too much to take..
I forgot to mention that I am now left as a single mother raising four children from 17 down to 3.. which is a challenge all of it’s own!
Georgia, I’m so sorry for your pain…I can’t even imagine what it feels like to have a husband who is incarcerated and to have so little contact. I know you are clinging to God during this season…it is evident in your words. I will pray for you and your husband, too.
Wow Jill – I am just reading this. I am amazed at your vulnerability. I too, 6 years ago, was alone in a queen sized bed. I completely understand your pain. I may be facing again being alone in my bed with 2 children still at home (ages 8 and 14). Not my desire…but I DO know Jesus is holding us. He has a purpose in the pain; he has a plan for our lives, a great plan at that! I am holding you up to Jesus. A breaking heart…
I’m so sorry, Holly, for the pain you’ve experienced and may be facing again. I do know Jesus is holding us…there is no doubt in my mind.
I honestly had no idea, but have been praying for you in great lengths. I have a friend who is currently going through something similar. May God’s glory prevail!
I needed this, while studying Acts 23, I read this quote “Bold, courageous, fearless during the day, the night of loneliness finds the strength spent, and the enemy is never slow to take advantage of that fact.” (Morgan) Its so true how we can go through the day and then at night feel the enemy’s attacking thoughts. But as He shows in Acts 23 that Jesus SHOWED UP for Paul alone in that jail cell He also cares for you. He is the same yesterday today and forever and during the night!
I have felt such a range of emotions today from your message. I am sad for all the pain you and your family are going through, angry that things are so unfair sometimes and grateful for my husband. I also thought of Noah and how they were on the ark for about a year, not knowing when or if the water would ever go away. So two things I really wanted to share: 1. those who have their husbands at home safe and sound, treasure them, be grateful and 2. God always sends a rainbow after the storm.
Jill, I am praying and I am looking forward to the rainbow, because I know it will be beautiful.
Beautiful about the rainbow, Lisa. Thank you.