Everyone has baggage. We carry it around with us everywhere–into marriage, adulthood, and every aspect of our lives. It’s part of being human, and while there’s no shame in having baggage, it’s important to take the time to consider how the behaviors we’ve picked up over the years could be potentially harmful to ourselves and others.
The question we are addressing in today’s conversation is: how do we pinpoint our baggage and begin to heal those areas of our lives? We define “baggage” as places where we need to pursue personal growth, instances of trauma or hurt from the past that remain unhealed, and learned behaviors, habits, and thinking patterns from our childhood that no longer serve us.
Whether you are married, dating, or single, doing the individual work to unpack your baggage is an investment you will never regret making. You may also want to consider working with a coach, counselor, or therapist to assist you in your journey.
In this episode, you’ll learn about:
- The importance of discovering your baggage
- How to look back at the past to uncover unhealthy coping mechanisms
- Why we should pay attention to relational feedback
- And more!
Dealing with our own baggage has been transformative in our marriage, and it played a crucial role in our individual journeys to become Jill 2.0 and Mark 2.0. We hope this conversation can be a stepping stone for others to dig deeper into their own habits and behaviors.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Moving from Jill 1.0 to Jill 2.0 | Episode 240
- Understanding Attachment Course
- [BOOK] Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better
- Becoming Unoffendable with Brant Hansen | Episode 196
- BLOG: Confidential Communication For The Person Thinking About Leaving Their Marriage
- BLOG: Confidential Communication To The Guy Thinking About Leaving His Marriage
- Transform Weekend
- Jill & Mark Coaching
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks
My Key Takeaways:
1) Get curious about behaviors and underlying beliefs. Everyone has blind spots in their lives, and it can be hard to spot these areas on our own. This is where listening to feedback comes in. Whether it’s from our boss, a trusted friend, or our family, feedback gives us the opportunity to ask, “What part of this is true?” It causes us to uncover why we responded sharply to a certain situation or what we may believe about ourselves or others that isn’t accurate.
2) Consider where you get stuck. Our baggage often shows up when we feel stuck emotionally. We could be feeling insecure about how our spouse feels about us, or we could desire reassurance from them. A big portion of feeling stuck emotionally has to do with the attachment style we developed in childhood. We’ve talked a lot about attachment styles here if you want to learn more about them—being aware of what style you and your spouse have can make a big difference in the way you relate to one another and resolve conflict.
3) Our baggage often shows up in moments of extreme reactions. This includes both overreacting and underreacting; in each case, these disproportionate responses can point to emotional dysregulation. When we catch ourselves in these moments, we need to look inward and consider why we are reacting so strongly. What did we feel that caused us to blow up? Is this current situation stirring up unpleasant memories of a past experience or belief that made us feel the same way? For Mark, that belief was that what he said didn’t matter. Because of that belief, he often wouldn’t say anything at all in moments of conflict (an underreaction). It wasn’t until he traced that belief back to his childhood that he was able to replace it with truth.
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