As of January 2026, we will have been marriage coaches for 9 years.
One of our favorite parts about this work is that the tools we teach our clients have been shaped from and refined by our real experiences.
Many of them are strategies that helped us transform our own marriage from its 1.0 version to the 2.0 version—and keep it that way as time goes on.
And over the years, as we’ve gotten to witness in real-time what really works for the couples we coach, we’ve continued to improve the way we teach these tools.
Now, they have helped spouses all over the world grow together and deepen their connection.
Of course, every marriage is unique, and the guidance we give each couple is different depending on the challenges they’re navigating or the goals they’re striving toward.
However, there are some tools that are so universal, we find ourselves reaching for them time and time again. That’s because these tools are simple yet effective techniques for making your spouse feel seen, heard, and loved.
As we round out the end of a year that saw our marriage coaching schedule packed to the brim, we wanted to take a moment to share 3 tools we teach every day in our marriage coaching sessions:
Tool #1: Feel to Fix
When your spouse comes to you with big emotions, it can feel hard to know how to help, especially if the problem they’re working through involves you.
Here’s the good news: you don’t need to get defensive, wave a magic wand to make their problem go away, nor do you need to devise a master plan to resolve it.
All you need to do is feel it with them.
If you’re someone who tends to approach problems through a strictly logical lens, you may have responded to your spouse’s venting by immediately jumping in to problem-solve. If your spouse didn’t respond well to this strategy, you might be wondering why.
Next time your spouse approaches you with a problem, try this 3-step approach instead:
- Practice reflective listening (“What I hear you saying is…”)
- Validate their feelings (“That makes sense…”)
- Empathize (“I can only imagine…”)
Want an in-depth lesson on why each of these steps is so effective, and how to put each one into practice? In our 4 Minutes to a Better Marriage mini-course, we dive deep on all 3 of the tools discussed in this blog (plus two more!) Get your access to the course here.
Tool #2: Impact Over Intent
“But I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”
“You’re overreacting.”
Ouch. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of any of these statements, you know they sting. And yet, when we unintentionally hurt someone we love, many of us have probably said something like this to defend our good intentions.
A couple of weeks ago, I (Jill) made a comment that ended up hurting Mark’s feelings.
To me, it was just a playful joke. But for Mark, it touched a childhood wound I didn’t realize was still tender.
In moments like these, our gut reaction can be to jump to defending our good intentions.
But that doesn’t lessen our partner’s pain. Instead, it minimizes their feelings, and that can actually make them feel even worse.
When Mark approached me to chat about his hurt feelings, it could have sparked an argument that ended in accusations and distant hearts. But I remembered that in this moment, the intentions behind my words didn’t matter. Their impact did.
So, I used the 3 steps we outlined above in the Tool #1 section to practice reflective listening, to validate and empathize with Mark’s feelings, and finally, to own my impact, apologize for my words, and ask Mark for forgiveness.
In the end, we had a short, constructive talk that ended in a heartfelt hug. And that’s the power of recognizing that your impact matters more than your intent and working to make amends rather than jumping to your own defense.
Tool #3: The Next Day Principle
When a conflict is sparked between you and your spouse, it’s tempting to jump on it right away.
Your inner voice might be screaming at you:
“This feels bad, we need to address this now.”
But rushing into big conversations seldom ends well. In fact, it can lead to confusion, tension, and emotionally-charged words you’ll wish you could unsay.
That’s why we recommend the Next Day principle.
We’ve found that sleeping on a conflict before bringing it up with your spouse can help you:
- Bring it to God first
- Gather your thoughts
- Communicate more calmly
In the previous section, we mentioned how Mark approached me for a chat after I made a joke that hurt his feelings. But he didn’t initiate this conversation the same day that I made that comment. He took some time to think about it, and he actually came to me the next day.
Here’s the great thing about the Next Day principle. Sometimes, when we give ourselves time, we find that this issue might not even need to be talked about.
Other times, it is worth bringing up again—but because we took the space to sort out our feelings with the Lord and find forgiveness in our hearts before bringing the topic to our spouse, we can manage the discussion with more respect and clarity.
We have seen these tools make such a real impact on the marriage coaching clients we serve. They’re not fancy or flashy. They’re not a quick, overnight fix. They’re simple, real ways of showing your spouse, “You and your feelings matter to me.”
If you want to watch full video lessons from us (Mark and Jill) explaining these tools in more detail, sharing helpful real-life stories to help you grasp each one, and sharing practical tips for applying these skills in your own marriage, check out our 4 Minutes to a Better Marriage series. In these lessons, we also share two more tools that have a huge impact on your marriage every single day.
If you’d like to invest in your marriage through individual coaching or couples coaching with your spouse, learn more here.
As we round out the end of 2025, we also want to tell you about an opportunity to support marriages that are struggling. You may have heard about the work we do through our nonprofit, the Life 2.0 Foundation, in Uganda to uplift marriages and to support organizations that are helping children in need.
Another aspect of our foundation is providing scholarships to people who want to invest in their marriage through our coaching but don’t have the financial means to do so. We often prioritize those in full-time ministry or in the mission field for these marriage scholarships.
When a marriage is in crisis, help needs to be accessible. In 2025, the Life 2.0 Foundation helped 107 marriages access the coaching they needed through our scholarship fund.
If you are a champion for strong marriages, a gift of any amount can help us provide more scholarships to couples in need of support.
This year, we have a donor that is going to double every donation we receive, up to $50,000. So with every gift you give through December 31st, you can double your impact. Donate here to give the gift of a 2.0 life.
