“I’m leaving. I have no intention of returning. I’m pursuing the other relationship and I want a divorce.”
Jill: The hardest day of my life was when I heard those words. My husband walked out of the house and my whole life turned upside down.
Mark: When I uttered those words, I was determined to do what I wanted and never look back. I had been unhappy in my marriage for a long time and it seemed hopeless in my narrow-minded perspective. At the time, I was so focused on my pursuit of happiness that I couldn’t see the pain I was causing. It would take me 10 months to see things clearly and allow God to lead me out of the mess I made.
Jill: There were many days when I didn’t know if there was any hope for our marriage to be restored. By the grace of God (and lots of personal work on both of our parts!), we eventually entered what we lovingly call our “Mark & Jill 2.0” marriage. (You can discover our whole story here.)
Mark: If you are in a similar situation where your spouse has left, betrayed you, or broken the trust in your relationship, you may be wondering if there is any hope to break out of the waiting season you currently find yourself in. While we can’t promise how your spouse will respond, we can promise that healing IS possible. Broken trust doesn’t always mean there was an affair; this could mean an addiction, broken promises, or many other challenges as well.
FREE Webinar: Find Calm in the Chaos While Inviting Your Spouse to Re-Engage
Jill: When Mark left, I wasn’t sure if our marriage would ever get back on track. In fact, we were just days away from signing divorce papers when God took hold of Mark’s heart that Easter Sunday 2012.
Mark: To be honest with you, any efforts to repair or restore our relationship prior to that point would have failed. And that’s what we want to share with you today. It is common that one spouse will want and may even be ready to put things back together, but the other is unwilling. This is where we were at during those 10 months of separation while I was living out what I thought was best for me.
Jill: It took a lot for me to focus on taking care of myself and our children, owning what was mine, and trusting God with our future. As we’ll share below, rebuilding trust is something that takes two people, and you can’t move forward together until your spouse is ready and willing to reengage in your marriage. I could offer forgiveness and love, and make changes myself, but Mark had to be ready for the trust-rebuilding process.
5 Signs Your Spouse is Not Ready to Reengage in Your Marriage
Mark: With that in mind, here are 5 signs your spouse is not ready to rebuild trust:
- They are unwilling to own their own unhealthy contributions to the marriage.
- They have no resolve to be committed to the marriage.
- They are resistant and unwilling to do whatever it takes to heal and rebuild trust.
- They are not interested in getting help or learning the skills necessary for a healthy relationship.
- They are not willing to do the personal work to become a 2.0 person that can build a 2.0 marriage.
Jill: While I know how difficult it can be to recognize that your spouse is not ready to rebuild trust, this waiting season of life can be a blessing in disguise. This is the time to get honest with yourself. When I did this during the 10 months Mark was checked out and eventually gone, I had to come face-to-face with my own shortcomings. I had a tendency to avoid my emotions and be critical. I had to look at the way I sometimes treated my husband and I had to admit that too often I “parented” him. This is how I broke Mark’s trust. Regardless of the outcome, both people need to address the junk in their trunk and how they’ve hurt each other to be ready to rebuild the relationship.
Mark: It’s also good to remember that, even though your spouse isn’t ready to rebuild trust, you can still work on forgiving them. Jill and I often say that forgiveness and trust are two very different things. Forgiveness only takes one person, while rebuilding trust takes two. Forgiving your spouse unclutters your heart and readies it for growth, but does not require you to let go of important boundaries during a waiting season.
Jill: That’s right. I was challenged so much during that season when Mark was not ready to rebuild trust. Understand that I wasn’t idle that whole time; I was down on my knees praying for Mark, praying for myself, and praying for our family. I was encouraging Mark the best I could. God challenged me to still love him even when he wasn’t acting loving to me.
Mark: If you’re in a hard season, we are so sorry for the pain you are currently experiencing. I wish it could be taken away with the snap of a finger. However we want you to know we understand and you’re not alone. If you are in this season of waiting and uncertainty, we invite you to watch our free webinar titled, “Find Calm in the Chaos While Inviting Your Spouse to Re-Engage.”
Jill: This presentation is completely free and in it you’ll learn tools for handling painful emotions, a powerful action you can take that will increase the possibility of your spouse recommitting to your marriage, and a unique lens you need to see your spouse through. Much of this was taken from my own experience and it’s something we now share as marriage coaches. Our hope is that this webinar will help you learn how to save your sanity and marriage after broken trust.
Mark: You may be in a difficult situation full of pain and fear. However, if you walk in step with God, you’ll find yourself experiencing an inner strength, hope, and confidence to move forward. That is our prayer for you today!
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Are you in a waiting season in your marriage? It’s possible to find calm in the chaos:
Learn how through our Wait is Not Wasted course!
Thank you for these blogs and emails – though my husband refuses to get help rebuilding our marriage after numerous affairs, he feels he doesn’t need counseling. I have been going since February and will continue to go to counseling because it has and does help me. I just have to continue to pray for him. Thank you for all the great material in this season of my life and marriage. Keep them coming!
Kelly, I’m so sorry that your husband hasn’t been willing to do the work to rebuild trust. I’m glad, however, that you’ve been using this time as a season of personal growth. That’s the best thing you can do!
I am going to continue on the path that I know God wants me to be on. I just ordered your book- No More Perfect Marriages. I am praying that he will read it with me.
My spouse of 23 years left to pursue a so called political career. He got fired from his last job because he was threatening the owners. He was living on coffee n cigarettes and burning the candle at all ends. He has had several affairs throughout our marriage but I’ve always taken him back. He got a new cell phone n will not give the number to me or our daughter. I only found out through acquaintances. He’s supposedly living with his mom which is yet another problem. My faith is weak and I keep telling myself that God is working even though I don’t see anything
Joanna, the best thing to do is to standing firm on God’s word–that’s the only thing you can depend upon. If you haven’t already, check out my My Heart is Broken book. I think it will help you with your journey: https://amzn.to/3RkWRfH
This WHOLE page spoke to me. I feel like I’m literally reading my story. I was unfaithful to my husband not with physical or sexual contact with another man but with texting other men. The 4th time kinda felt like that was it for him. I broke his trust. And that 4th time made me realize that I didn’t want to lose him. We have been together 9 years and married 4 years. We have 2 children with only 1 child being his biological child. We have had many many talks about how we can rebuild trust again and give us one last shot. But I’m feeling him pulling away, but he says he’s still trying to ”in his own way”. I had also found out afterwards that he had engaged with another woman at work where he approached her and made conversation and he told her he was going to make excuses to go see her in the department she works at. Shortly after he knew I found out he said “I had a feeling you knew, how did you find out? And said “did you see it on the other phone” which is a phone he was supposed to switch to but hasn’t, but it is linked to his apple account. Afterwards I cried a lot and I told him I was going to leave for a bit because I couldn’t handle being around him. He did apologize to me before I left. He said he’s just confused he doesn’t know what to do. But we’ve had talks about trying for our family because we have been through soo much and have built soo much together. I have been praying for our marriage, and I’ve been trying to better myself and trying to help build that trust. He has shown little improvement but not enough. He still feels very distant. But I get it, he’s hurt, at this point we are both hurt. All I do is pray and cry hoping that we can one day reconcile even though I know it will all take time. There’s days I feel like giving up. And just saying you know what, I’m not going to sit and wait around for you to come around. But another part of me wants to wait for him to say it, even though I don’t want him to say that. I just want him to come back to me. I miss him, his touch, his affection, and his love. He was literally my best friend, I beat myself cause why did I go and do that to him. All he did was be an amazing father and husband and always came home to me. And I just broke that trust.
Jennifer, I’m glad this resonated with you. It’s important that you both do some personal healing so your marriage can heal. I hope you’ll pursue some coaching or counseling.