Mark and I are excited to bring you another special episode with just the two of us! In this conversation, we are talking about confirmation bias. It’s something we have experienced in our own relationship and we see it time and time again in the couples we coach.
Confirmation bias occurs when we look for evidence that “proves” what we have already decided to believe about ourselves or others. It’s a dangerous thing, because our assumptions are often incorrect. When we put on the blinders to any information that contradicts what we want to believe, we make it almost impossible to let go of flawed ideas.
Confirmation bias not only affects our marriages—it can also impact our friendships, family relationships, what we believe about God, and what we think about ourselves. It’s so important to identify the relationships in which we are experiencing confirmation bias and take steps to root our thoughts in reality rather than assumptions.
In this episode, you’ll learn about:
- How confirmation bias harms relationships
- What steps we need to take to change our perspective
- Why it’s important to take our thoughts captive
- And more!
We’ve experienced the damage confirmation bias can cause firsthand, and we hope this conversation helps you identify it in your own thoughts and beliefs. The first step to letting go of this bias is being aware it exists and observing how it manifests in you.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Transform Weekends
- Marriage 2.0 Intensive Retreat
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks
My Key Takeaways:
1) Confirmation bias is based on our perception. One of the reasons why this is so dangerous in relationships is that it narrows our focus to only notice the things that confirm what we believe or suspect is true. The “evidence” we find is not based on reality, but on our subjective perception. After a while, we may no longer be able to see the positive things about a person or situation, or any evidence that would refute our pre-determined conclusions.
2) Start by questioning your thoughts. If you have a particular relationship that is disappointing, difficult, or that you frequently have negative thoughts about, this is a good place to start! It could be helpful to enlist the help of a coach, counselor, or trusted friend to help you pull back the curtain on your confirmation biases. As you become aware of what you are thinking, ask yourself: Do I know this to be true? What evidence do I have to support this belief?
3) Move from judgment to gratitude. We often encourage couples to take intentional time to notice the good things about their spouse or circumstances. There’s a reason for this: what we focus on determines our mindset toward that person or thing. It’s hard to be trapped under confirmation bias when you are actively and purposefully noticing all the good and positive things a person does. When we move from judgment to gratitude, we are setting our minds up to perceive reality rather than confirming our assumptions.
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