Dear fellow parent,
Today I want to share a letter with you for those days when the weight of your heart feels heavy for your children. For the days when you can’t help but feel like their life is turning out in heartbreaking ways. For the days when the heaviness of seeing them repeat unhealthy patterns continues. For the days when you feel the heavy choice of how to get involved without enabling, criticizing, or taking control.
In the Bible, Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This is a true and wise principle from Scripture, but it’s important to remember that our children still have free will. They have their own choices to make as they grow up, look at life, and make their life journey their own. Sometimes that includes taking a path that is painful to see unfold.
Recently, we moved one of our adult sons into a homeless shelter due to a variety of complex circumstances. I won’t give too many details to honor his privacy, but the truth is that the day we moved him really hurt my heart. It’s so hard to see your child, someone you love dearly, struggling to move forward. It breaks my heart to know that he’s living somewhere I never imagined him living when he was growing up.
Mark and I will continue to support him as we always have, but we have carefully learned to draw boundaries so we don’t become enablers. Sometimes it’s really hard to stick to those boundaries. If you feel that sometimes, I want you to know that you’re not alone.
LISTEN: For Those Left Behind From Addiction with Travis Thompson | Episode 162
You are not alone.
In those moments when you see the negative impact their choices have on their life, all you want to do is scoop them up in your arms and protect them, rock them back and forth, and say, “It will all be alright. I’m here.”
If your child is an adult, the time for kissing their boo-boos away has passed and many times we have to take a step back and support from a distance. With adult children, it’s important that we remember that we cannot control them. We can’t “fix” their circumstances. We will always encourage, support, and provide wisdom. However, they have to decide for themselves the path they ultimately want to take.
As we covered in this recent podcast episode, sometimes if we are too involved, our support as a parent is what can keep our child from understanding the full consequences of their actions.
None of us wish for this. This journey can be full of heartache, hardship, and constant worry over your child. Not only that, but it can take a true toll on your well-being also. You may be feeling worn out, empty, and like you just can’t do this anymore. I want to encourage you to take space for yourself, do something that energizes you and fills your cup, and spend time with the Lord and the truth of His Word.
One action we can always take.
The most important work we can do is taking our child to the Lord in prayer. You may have had to set boundaries with your child, but you can still have an active role in their life through the power of prayer. God loves our children even more than we do and His heart breaks just as much (in fact, infinitely more) than ours does.
My friend, I want you to know today that you are seen.
You are loved by an incredible God.
Your love for your child is beautiful and admirable.
You are capable of supporting without enabling, and it is not wrong for you to do so.
We can always take our worry, our heartache, and our child to the feet of our heavenly Father. While we don’t yet know how our child’s life will ultimately turn out, we can rest knowing that God is in control and we can put our child’s future into His hands. Ultimately we don’t get in the way of our child’s need for God.
Here’s a prayer for all of us today:
Lord, give us the strength as parents to release our children into your hands. We see the pain in their story and the challenges being created in their life. It worries our hearts and makes us want to step in and protect them from the consequences. There comes a time when it is no longer healthy for us to serve as a shield from these consequences. Give us the strength to step back where we need to and entrust them in Your hands.
Comfort our hearts as we fear the effect these decisions will have on our child’s life. Protect them in ways that only You can and help them to recognize the journey they are on and internalize the value of taking steps in a different direction.
Lord, we raised them to know truth North. We pray they will return to true North. We pray they will return to You.
Fill our hearts with your Holy Spirit and your peace that goes beyond understanding, so that when the time comes, we are ready and able to celebrate and support their progress. Amen.
READ: When Your Children Make Choices You Don’t Agree With
Looking for more support in launching adult children? Check out Empty Nest, Full Life!
Jill, I’m sorry to hear about your son. I will be praying for him and for you and all your family.
God has plans for him. Keep praying and trusting God. He’s in control and has good plans for your son.
Thank you Annie.
I am as well so sorry to hear about your son. We are going through this same thing with an adult child. The only difference is he has now been living back at home for 2 years. He is on probation and house arrest. If you would have told us 10 years ago that this is the path that our son was going to choose I would have never believed you. There are days I can’t even wrap my brain around this. It’s consumes me and is taking a huge toll on us all. I don’t know what God’s plan is but I do know he doesn’t make mistakes so whatever the outcome is I will know it’s God’s will. God hears our cries.
Yes, He hears our cries.
Thank you so much for your courage to share your story, the encouragement, and prayers! My story with my adult daughter mirrors yours. The last 3 weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride. She has been homeless for the past 4 years, dealing with substance addiction and mental health issues. Through it all I have gone from being the poster parent for what not to do-enabling, not detaching, succumbing to fear,worry, and control. I have been working with a sponsor in Al-Anon, counseling with a pastor, and recently attending Hope for Hurting Parents (Tina Yohe) classes. These have been so helpful, BUT the biggest support and change happened when I surrendered everything and laid it at Jesus feet. Only when I was able to let go of all the controlling behavior and trusted God was I able to step out of the way and let God direct my daughters path. Two weeks ago she was in the path of destruction and God answered our prayers in a way we never thought would happen! She realized she hit her rock bottom and accepted the offer of help to go to rehab. God has our children in the palm of His hand. I am truly convinced that the most powerful thing we as parents can do is pray without ceasing! Praying for your son and you and your family. God Bless!
Sheryl, thank you so much for sharing some of your story. Surrender is so powerful!
Thank you for sharing your story, Jill! I have a 21-year-old daughter dealing with similar issues. Have you heard of PAL (Parents of Addicted Loved Ones)? It has been SO helpful at educating me on what not to do as well as what TO do. Not sure if there is a group in your area, but definitely check it out! Blessings! And keep being real and leaning on Jesus!🥰💕
Martha, I’ve never heard of PAL but thank you for sharing that resource! I’ll check it out!
Thank you for sharing, I really needed to hear this. My 23 year old son has been dealing with depression and anxiety since covid started. He got worse and had to come back home from college. We insisted to go to therapy which he did, and attended to different types of groups. The psychiatrist put him on Zoloft. After 8 months he transferred to a nearby college to finish his bachelor’s degree, he was only 1 semester away to graduation. When he was 18 he was diagnosed with ADD and put on Concerta. At this point he doesn’t want to work, he barely attends school, awake all night, and sleeps during the day. Just lays around watching tv, he doesn’t go anywhere or hangs out with any friends. Whatever friends he had, gave up on him because, he doesn’t respond. It’s hard for us to see him like that. He tells us that he is trying but lately refuses to talk to therapist. He goes to see psychiatrist because of the meds. He was always shy but did what he had to do. Now is a different person with no motivation. My husband and I are both disable and seeing him like that affect us emotionally and physically. Our daily prayer is for him to surrender completely to the Lord and move on with his life🙏❤️
Maria, it’s so hard when our kids aren’t functioning well! 🙏🙏🙏 with you.
I am so sorry Jill! We have a son who is definitely wandering and living a life that we struggle with too. I have to practice continuously letting go and loving him in a way that honors God and healthy boundaries. It is so hard to see all the potential and not shield them from hurt. Their situations aren’t just about their growth; we have plenty of growing to do ourselves! Peace in your journey!
Cathy, yes there’s growth to be found all around!
I came upon this post by God’s divine intervention. Thank you so much for posting about you and your son’s journey. I will certainly be praying. My own daughter has recently walked away from her faith, friends, family and has entered into what I’m calling a very dark season. I pray earnestly every day for her and her situation. I have dark days but God remains faithful to bring joy in the midst of the hurt and I trust Him to redeem her life and bring victory. I appreciate any and all prayers that she will turn back to Jesus
Sabrina, I’m sorry for what you’re walking through but I’m so glad you found this post and were reminded that you’re not alone.