The “Perfection Infection” is a phrase I coined years ago when I wrote No More Perfect Moms. Like most women, I had entered into motherhood wanting to be the perfect mom. Little did I know, my pursuit of perfection would set me up for failure.

The Perfection Infection doesn’t just affect parents—it also has a big impact on how we show up in our marriages (and even how we view ourselves). It leads us to have unrealistic expectations of ourselves and others. 

In our parenting, it can cause us to hold our children to an impossible standard or compare them to versions of children we’ve seen on social media or in movies. In our marriages, the Perfection Infection can make us feel like our spouse isn’t “measuring up”, and the disappointment this causes can start to fuel discontentment.

When we allow the Perfection Infection to overtake our thinking, we unknowingly cause problems where there previously were none. But even when we know this, resisting it is easier said than done. Let’s take a deeper look at what the Perfection Infection is and how it affects our marriage, parenting, and self-image so we can discover how to release the heavy burden of this harmful mindset.

What is the Perfection Infection?

The Perfection Infection can occur in any area of our lives. That’s one of the things that makes it so dangerous! 

To put it simply, the Perfection Infection occurs when we allow ourselves to have an unrealistically high expectation that causes us to unfairly compare ourselves, our family, and our spouse to others. This expectation is not only unrealistic, but it is usually completely unobtainable.  

We might “catch” the Perfection Infection by scrolling through social media and wishing our lives could look more like the ones we see on our screens. But it’s not just Facebook and Instagram that are impacting our perceptions—our expectations are fueled by a constant barrage of “perfect” scenes and images we see in our favorite movies and TV shows, too. 

Think cutting down on screen time will protect you from the Perfection Infection? Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. Even in real life, there’s always that one family who seems to have it all together—the perfect marriage, the perfect family—the kind we can’t help but wish we had.

You may be thinking that it’s not wrong to want to change how things are done in your house or strive to do things better, and you’re right! 

The trap of the Perfection Infection is that it causes us to constantly compare our lives to what we perceive is the “perfect” version. However, here’s the truth—that version is always out of our reach, and so we are constantly dissatisfied with the life we do have.

It’s important to resist this warped mindset because it’s keeping us from healthy relationships, and a healthy perception of ourselves. Think you may be contaminated with the Perfection Infection? I’ve got some good news: there is an antidote!

The Difference Between Excellence and Perfection

In order to start treating the symptoms of the Perfection Infection, it’s important for us to understand the difference between excellence and perfection. We want to do our best and we want our family to do their best, but when does excellence cross over into perfection? Some short answers are:

  • Excellence is something done well. Perfection is something done without fault.
  • Excellence is attainable. Perfection is unattainable.
  • Excellence is satisfying. Perfection is never satisfied.
  • Excellence allows for failure. Perfection punishes failure.
  • Excellence expects mistakes. Perfection panics at mistakes.
  • Excellence comes from God. Perfection comes from the world.

To better understand this concept, let’s look at a real-world example: 

A mom is supposed to provide snacks for her son’s baseball team. She wants to make something homemade; however, she’s had two sick children, a husband who’s been putting in overtime, and her parents who live nearby have needed more help than usual.

Baking is not something that can be realistically accomplished at this time. In freedom, she picks up cupcakes at the bakery of her grocery store. This is an excellent choice based on her limitations and what is going on in her life. There’s no sense of failure. She accomplished what she needed to accomplish in the best way for her family.

Excellence allows for context and says there are many ways to accomplish something. By comparison, perfection says there is only one way to accomplish something and there are no context or considerations made.

How We Can Resist the Perfection Infection

Perfection steals our joy and results in hopelessness. It sets us up for failure. If we expect perfection from ourselves, we will be in perpetual disappointment. If we expect perfection from our spouse and children, we will be hypercritical.

I’ve realized that when I look at the world through the lens of the Perfection Infection, my perspective is skewed and I’m not able to see things as they really are. My expectations of myself and others are unrealistic. When I compare my “imagined child” to my real child or my “imagined spouse” to my real spouse, the Perfection Infection widens the gap and keeps me from really knowing my loved ones and celebrating who they are.

So what are we to do? How can we resist the Perfection Infection?

I’ve found that pride, fear, insecurity, and judgment are the key issues that keep us perpetuating the Perfection Infection rather than eradicating it from our lives. In order to move past it, we need to recognize our heart issues, pursue authenticity, and replace negativity with healthier, more positive attitudes.

The Bible says it this way: 

“You were taught . . . to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires . . . and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

(Ephesians 4:22–24, emphasis mine)

Here are four ways to take off the perfection infection mindsets and put on ones that uplift and empower:

#1: Instead of pride, put on humility.

Our longing to handle life “perfectly” keeps us bound up trying. We’re trying to be the best mom we can be. We’re trying to put on a good game face so others will believe we’re doing better than we actually are. 

In all that trying, we’re really being dishonest with others and even more so with ourselves. God sees us through eyes of grace. It is as if He is saying, “Don’t keep striving so that you can feel good about your accomplishments. Instead, live in My grace. Yes, do life well—even with excellence. But know that I love you just as you are—no ‘perfection’ necessary.”

#2: Instead of fear, put on courage.

Much of the time, fear keeps us from being honest with others. We fear what they will think. We fear appearing weak or less than perfect. We fear that we’ll be “found out”—that others will realize we don’t have it as together on the inside as we portray on the outside. We fear the judgment and criticism of others. We fear rejection.

We need the courage to be honest with ourselves that perfection is impossible. We need to cut ourselves some slack, see ourselves through eyes of grace, and love ourselves—with all of our imperfections included.

Once we’re honest with ourselves, it becomes much easier to be honest with others. And if our true value is based on how God sees us, then it is easier for us to be honest with others, because what they think about us or how they respond no longer defines us. By admitting your needs, you create a safety zone for your friends, spouse, and children to do the same.

#3: Take off insecurity and put on confidence.

Insecurity happens when the voices inside our heads tell us we aren’t enough. When we are battling the Perfection Infection, insecurity paralyzes us in so many ways. Perfectionism is the best friend to procrastination. If I can’t get my home to look perfect (i.e. like a magazine), then I will likely not even start because I know I can’t achieve perfection.

If insecurity keeps us locked up in doubts, confidence is the key that will unlock the insecurity chains that bind us. Insecurity says, “I can’t.” Confidence says, “I can because God will show me how!”

What would this look like in a practical way?

Let’s say you’re doing a little Internet surfing and you pop over to Pinterest. If you use Pinterest to gather ideas and keep them organized for easy retrieval, it can be a helpful little website. However, too many of us move from idea gathering to playing that nasty old comparison game. We see so many wonderful ideas and how other people do things and we begin thinking, I’m not measuring up because I don’t make my children’s food look like a picture. Or, I’m failing because my home is not organized the way it should be

Insecurity says, Oh no, I’m not measuring up. I’m not as good as this person is.

Confidence says, Good for these people who share their ideas! I’m glad we’re not all made from the same mold. Those are great ideas, but many of them are not for me. I may not be the most crafty or artsy person, but I’m comfortable in my own unique skin.

#4: Take off judgment and put on grace.

Judgment is where we impose our “perfect” expectations on others: our kids, our spouses, our friends, and even complete strangers. Judging is ugly. It demands. It criticizes. It divides. It destroys. It blinds us to our own faults. Judging imposes our opinions on other people. It leaves little room for others to be different from us because it sees those differences as wrong.

If you peel away the layers of judging, you’ll find pride at its core. Pride says, “I know best,” or “My way is the best way,” or “You don’t know how to do this as well as I do.” 

For many of us, a critical spirit of judgment is very present in our marriages. For instance, the man who could do no wrong before we had children can do no right now that we have children. He can’t diaper them right, can’t bathe them right, can’t dress them right, and certainly can’t care for them well in my absence. It happens for men, too. For instance, the woman who was perfect before marriage, now feels like she isn’t “the best fit.”

Sometimes judging creeps into our parenting. As children get older, they have their own opinions. They begin to make their own decisions. Their personalities emerge, and if they are in any way different from us (or worse yet, challenging in the same ways we are), we can become critical without much thought to the damage we are inflicting.

This strain of the Perfection Infection is so dangerous that it calls for a strong antidote. We need God’s strength and wisdom and, more than anything else, His example to help us heal from this controlling disease. The cure for judgment is grace. Grace allows others to be human, to make mistakes, and not get criticized for every little thing they do wrong or differently from the way we do it. 


As we shift our hopes and desires into the realm of reality, we’ll find that we are less often disappointed in ourselves, our spouse, and our children. We’ll resist the Perfection Infection and embrace imperfection and the freedom of authenticity.

Remember, perfection is rejecting, but excellence is empowering. I know I want to be an empowering wife, mother, daughter, sister, and friend. That’s why resisting perfection is so important. I want to embrace “what is” in my kids and my spouse, rather than lament “what isn’t”. I want to see possibilities, not liabilities in each person God has given me.

Let’s kick the perfection infection to the curb and give ourselves and our family members the grace and freedom we all long for.

Do you find that the Perfection Infection is primarily impacting your parenting? If so, my books No More Perfect Moms and No More Perfect Kids are wonderful tools for shifting your mindset.

If you’re struggling to improve your marriage without placing unrealistic expectations on yourself or your spouse, No More Perfect Marriages can be a great roadmap for your journey. My husband, Mark, and I have used our own personal experience of repairing our relationship to create books, courses, coaching sessions, retreats, and even a community for couples who are looking to do the same. Whether your relationship is happy or hurting right now, our hope is that these resources help you achieve a 2.0 marriage.

Want regular encouragement?

Subscribe to get Jill's latest content by email.


(You can view our privacy policy here.)

Powered by Kit