Happy Birthday to Me: Creating the Birthday You Want for Yourself

The problem with this approach is that everyone’s ideal way of celebrating their special day is different. 

On top of that, many people struggle to communicate their birthday wishes to their loved ones. They may feel like it’s self-centered to ask others to gather and celebrate them in the way they want. But because of this mental block, the birthday person is often left feeling disappointed when reality doesn’t match their expectations.

Maybe they don’t plan anything and spend their birthday alone, secretly wishing they had done more.

Maybe their friends, family, or spouse plan something, but it’s not aligned with the birthday person’s preferences.

I’ve certainly had my fair share of birthday disappointments. Over the years, I’ve realized something important: the only person who can make sure your birthday pans out the way you want it to is you.

That’s why, in honor of my birthday month, I want to take some time to talk about the importance of communicating your expectations in order to have the birthday celebration you really want for yourself.

Here are some tips I’ve learned (and now practice) around my birthday:

1) Consider WHAT you actually want.

This may seem obvious, but we don’t often have the luxury of living solely out of our preferences. Even though birthdays are a day devoted to celebrating us, everyday life hasn’t given us much practice to know or express the hopes that are hidden within our hearts, so these hopes can be hard to access when our special day rolls around.

That’s why, to begin, it’s important to take the time to consider what we actually want—no if, ands, or buts about it. There are no wrong answers here. This is the time to focus on putting what you desire into words. Later, we’ll address how to handle when something isn’t possible. For now, the world is your oyster, and anything is possible!

Here are a few questions to help you hone in on how you would like to celebrate your big day:

• What makes you feel celebrated or loved? (Something like the Five Love Languages is a helpful resource here. Click here to listen to our podcast episode with Gary Chapman, where we discuss this framework with the man who created it.)
• Would you like to celebrate with something you already know and love, or would you prefer to try a new adventure? For example, would you rather enjoy a fancy meal at your favorite restaurant or explore a new activity like an escape room, craft show, or pottery class?
• Are you more of an introvert or an extrovert? Would you prefer to celebrate in a large group or spend a peaceful night with a few close friends and family?
• If you had an hour to yourself and you couldn’t do chores or work, what would you do?
• What’s a hobby you regularly enjoy, or one you haven’t been able to devote time to lately?

I recommend writing down some of the things that you uncover as you answer these questions. This is far from an exhaustive list, but I hope that it will help you uncover your preferences, expectations, and hopes when it comes to being celebrated.

2) Determine HOW you can make it happen.

Now that you’ve determined a better idea of what you want to do, the next step is to figure out how you can practically make it (or a version of it) happen in real life.

While it’s important to express our wishes regarding birthdays and other special days to family and friends, we must not forget that we can also take ownership over the day. 

Here are a few steps you might need to take to put your vision into action:

• Send invitations (physical or digital) to anyone who you want to be present to celebrate your day with you.
• Make reservations if your celebration will be at a restaurant, a class, a party venue, or any other location that needs advance notice.
• Create a wish list to share with friends and family so you’ll be ready if loved ones ask what you would like to receive as a gift.
• Arrange any logistical support you’ll need to fully enjoy your day. For instance, if you’re going out and you want to spend time with adult friends, arrange a babysitter for the night so you can enjoy your celebration without any stress.
• If your dream birthday involves a more expensive or extravagant experience, start saving funds for it as early as possible. It will feel so exciting every time you stash some funds into this special savings account, because you’ll know that you’re getting one step closer to a fun experience!

3) Communicate your wishes.

People are not mind readers. How much easier life would be if they were! 

Sometimes, when we watch movies or TV shows—or even scroll through our friends’ lives on social media—we see people being surprised with elaborate birthday celebrations. It’s easy to wish our own birthday would turn out that way—that without lifting a finger, our loved ones would plan our dream day.

The truth is, there may be seasons when others do step in to plan something special for us. But for most birthdays, it’s up to us to shape the day we’re hoping for.

If we want to avoid unmet expectations and disappointment, we need to clearly communicate our desires and preferences regarding our birthday.

Silent expectations can destroy our joy. And what’s worse is that they may have been met if we had only dared to express them. Too often, we will wait and hint at what we want, but this only leads to disconnection when our subtle messages are missed.

Instead of beating around the bush, let’s set ourselves up for success by expressing what expectations we have regarding how we like to be celebrated. It’s important to be direct and totally honest about your preferences. Don’t say that pink balloons are fine if what you really want is red.

Now, this doesn’t mean that you will get everything that you desire, nor does expressing what you really want make you a tyrant or a difficult person. If you struggle to share your preferences and expectations, take some time to practice saying them out loud first. 

Here are a few ways to practice starting the conversation:

• “If you are making plans for my birthday, here are a few things that would make it feel really special to me…”
• “I know in the past we have celebrated my birthday like this, but what would really make me feel appreciated is if we could do…”
• “Would it be alright if I shared some of the ways I would prefer we celebrate my birthday if possible?”

4) Remember that you can only control you.

I know that it can feel disappointing when our birthdays get overlooked, or when certain circumstances make the day feel less special than what we expected. If you’ve been through that difficult experience, know that you are not alone. 

However, I want to remind you that there are many legitimate reasons why someone may not be able to give your day all the attention it deserves. 

Perhaps they have other stressors in their lives that are preventing them from being able to plan anything special. Maybe someone isn’t able to celebrate with you because of financial challenges in their own life that they may feel too embarrassed to share.

Even though I’ve told you to make your expectations known and to ask for the things that mean the most to you, I want to remind you of one thing:

You have the power to choose joy, no matter what happens or doesn’t happen. Avoid making your happiness dependent on whether or not a certain thing occurs. Regardless of how well you communicate or design your day, there are bound to be hiccups. Instead of letting those get you down, choose gratefulness.

Remember, regardless of how your birthday is celebrated by others, you can still choose to grab your favorite drink at a local coffee shop, pamper yourself, or treat yourself to a purchase or activity you’ve been saving up for. Your joy doesn’t have to be dependent on what other people do.

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I hope these tips have been helpful, whether you are navigating your own birthday coming up or some other special day such as Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, or even an anniversary.

Big moments like these can come with so much pressure. But let’s remember that, first and foremost, they are supposed to be fun. 

By taking the time to gain clarity around our preferences and express those desires to others, we can help minimize disappointment due to unmet expectations, create a day that aligns with our wishes, and choose to have joy regardless of how the day turns out.

To put this into practice, I’ll share that this year I wasn’t able to plan my “perfect” birthday—but I’m still choosing to make the day special. In an ideal world, I’d gather all my kids for dinner, laughter, and time together. But that isn’t always possible. This year, my birthday falls on a school night, which makes it hard for everyone—especially those who live farther away—to gather. So last night when Mark and I were hanging with our youngest son and his family we had an ice cream cake. Today, Mark and I will celebrate quietly, just the two of us. And honestly? As an introvert, quiet celebrations are my favorite. I’m really looking forward to it.

Oh and if you’d like to know something I’d love to get for my birthday–it would be donations for our Life 2.0 Foundation. We just got back from Africa and the needs are huge and never-ending. The opportunities to change lives are abundant. Building up our reserves for education and medical care for the orphanage children would be the best gift ever!

P.S. If you share a birthday month with me, then I am wishing you the most wonderful birthday! I hope your day is everything that you desire and that you are able to recognize how special you are.