When we adopted our fifth child, Nicolai, at the age of nine, we never imagined we would end up battling circumstances that would lead to over 100 hospital visits.
Today, as an adult, Nicolai has several issues that prevent him from having a normal life. Before we go any further, we do want to let you know that Nicolai gave his permission to share his story. He struggles to manage money and lives primarily in homeless camps. When we do get to see him, our visits are short and typically away from the rest of our adult children.
As parents, we’ve struggled to know how to help him and have learned the hard way that we shouldn’t always rescue him from his circumstances. If you or a loved one has an adult child with life-controlling problems like mental illness, addiction, homelessness, or another similar struggle, we hope this deeply honest and vulnerable conversation can be a helpful resource.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- Why you can’t make your child’s problems go away
- How to lovingly detach
- How your child’s struggles impact everyone in your family
- And more!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
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- [BOOK] Empty Nest, Full Life
- Coaching
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Our Key Takeaways:
1) Your adult child has to want to change. We found that there were many instances where we wanted Nicolai to overcome his circumstances more than he did. This mentality only leads to burning yourself out and putting in far more effort than your adult child to help change occur. The person has to want change and be the one doing the most effort. You can’t do the work on behalf of your child.
2) Practice loving detachment. While in the thick of Nicolai’s issues, it felt like every time he had a problem, our entire world would come crashing to a halt. That’s when we learned about loving detachment, which is a term that those familiar with addiction might know. When you practice loving detachment, you still show up for the person in their time of need, but you don’t let their challenges take over your entire life. For us, this meant visiting Nicolai in the hospital, praying for him, and then lovingly detaching by returning to our lives.
3) Resist the urge to rescue them from every struggle. We also like to refer to this as don’t steal the struggle. It’s a reminder that our children need to make mistakes; this is how they can learn and come up with creative solutions. When we step in too soon or without being asked for help, we inadvertently prevent them from growing as a result of that experience. Giving our children the freedom to mess up and clean up the mess on their own is actually one of the best gifts we can give them.
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