Today I’m starting what I hope to be a weekly feature on my blog: Marriage Monday. Mark and I speak and write together about marriage. Each Monday we’ll share about a common marriage struggle and how we’ve learned to handle it. You just might want to share these Monday posts with your spouse!
Jill says:
“He’s not wrong, he’s just different. He’s not wrong, he’s just different.” I repeated that phrase over and over through clenched teeth as I tried to keep perspective in one more clash with my wrong unique, very-different-from-me husband.
Honestly Mark and I are complete opposites.
He likes coffee; I like tea.
He likes mornings; I’m a night owl.
He prefers spicy food; Mild for me.
He is an extrovert; I’m an introvert.
He’s an external processor; I’m an internal processor.
When we were dating, those differences drew us to one another. For the past 27 years, they’ve been driving us crazy.
But God didn’t make a mistake when He brought us together on a blind date right after I graduated from high school. I’ve come to learn that those differences are designed to do two things:
1) They complete us.
2) They refine us.
Our differences are complementary. While Mark has no trouble getting up with the kids in the morning, I don’t do mornings so well. And when Mark wears out early in the evening, I’m fine staying up for our teenagers to be home by a midnight curfew. His desire to talk through issues draws me out. My desire to think deeply about decisions prompts Mark to think more thoroughly at times.
Our differences refine me. Author Gary Thomas asks the question, “What if God gave us marriage, not to make us happy, but to make us more holy?” I’ve come to realize that dealing with our differences sometimes brings out a not-so-pretty side of me. In those unlovely moments, I can choose to rationalize my behavior or I can own my behavior: tell God–and Mark–I’m sorry. When I’m able to do that, I find myself closer to both God and my husband.
Mark says:
When Jill and I first met, I loved how different she was from me. Places I was weak she was strong. And places that she had little experience, I excelled. We were the perfect team…until we said, “I do,” and started living day in and day out together.
I must admit, I honestly thought our differences would eventually disappear with enough years of marriage. The Bible talks about “oneness” and that’s what I thought “oneness” meant. We would eventually think the same and decisions would be made together very easily. Because I was not defining “oneness” correctly, when our differences have felt so challenging I have wrongly believed them to be a liability to our relationship. “This is just too hard,” I’ve muttered under my breath too many times. My wrong expectations of how I thought marriage should be was keeping my heart discontent much of the time.
Jill and I have always believed in the value of counseling. We’ve sought out marriage counseling in our toughest seasons and personal counseling when we feel the need to strengthen our own emotional health. Between counseling and allowing God to refine me, I’ve come to a new understanding of what “oneness” really is. “Oneness” happens when we accept and embrace our differences and are committed to working together for the common good of the family.
This new definition has brought about a new calm in my heart. My expectations have drastically changed. I’m not looking for decisions to always be easy anymore. We still have to work hard to blend our perspectives at times. I now realize that we will always be different. I have laid down the divisiveness. I’ve stopped trying to change Jill (well, at least most of the time!)
I’m still working on embracing those differences, but my guess is that will be a lifetime journey!
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What about you? What have you learned about being wonderfully incompatible in your marriage?
I love this new topic and look forward to reading your posts each Monday. I look forward to reading any of your posts but these will be great I'm sure. I have often thought that God gave me my spouse to make me more like Jesus, like you said, to make me more holy. Marriage and parenting are great for teaching us about selflessness. And it's such a hard lesson, for me at least. My husband Michael and I will celebrate 10 years of marriage in May and we've come so far, mainly in the area of learning to give and take. We started off trying to keep everything 50/50 but thankfully God lead us to a marriage retreat after being married 4 years and we learned how unhealthy that was and could see it too. Nothing is ever 50/50 no matter how hard we try. Since accepting that, we've both relaxed a little more at times and done more than our share at other times. It's been especially true with parenting. Thank you Mark and Jill for sharing your wisdom not only in marriage but parenting as well! Your are a blessing and an encouragement!
Ooooh! Love this! My hubby and COULD NOT be more opposite if we tried!!! And we are learning, too how wonderful that can be! 🙂 It def takes some dying to self though! HA!
It's so true too, that the things that once attracted you to your mate end up being huge annoyances!!! Why is that?!??
That said, at the risk of sounding ridiculously cheesy – we totally complete each other!
Looking forward to reading these posts!
Hubby and I are complete opposites. On every personality profile, temperament quiz, every thing! We're participating in a marriage coaching mentorship right now and when we got the results back, we were either in the 0% or 10% similar categories. I just cried. The print out said suggested we should get counseling . . . . we've been married almost 18 years. But at least in the spiritual section, we were 80% compatible.
I'll be honest, it's very discouraging. We can't even come up with a hobby we like (or one that the two of us could even stand). We're working hard to keep it together, but some days it's pretty hard.
Very cute! I love how your hubby writes too!
Cheri-Beri:
I so understand. My husband and I knew we had different interests when we married, but our beliefs bound us. In the beginning, we were willing to try each other's hobbies. Then kids came and our differences weren't as noticable until the kids started getting older and needing us less. We have more time on our hands to spend with each other, but we were/are spending them separately because our interests separate us. This is still something we are working on, finding that common ground, but recognizing the problem is half the battle, right?