Marriage-MondayDear Jill,

I read one of your articles.  The last sentence spoke to me.

I will paraphrase: Could I make changes in the pace of my life to allow me to respond, rather than react?  I am working on this.

My question, however is; what if I am at a place where I don’t feel much desire to repair my marriage?

I have read a lot of material and none of them really address this juncture.

Thank you for your time.



Dear Stacy,

What I have found is that feelings are fickle. They don’t always point us in the right direction or even tell us the truth. That’s why its important for us to get our wisdom and direction from a different place than our feelings.  We need to get it from a place that is unchanging and dependable.  That’s where faith comes into the picture.

I don’t know where you stand with your faith, but let me share what I have learned. God’s love is unconditional. There is nothing we can do to cause God to love us more and there is nothing we can do to cause God to love us less.  He wants us to learn to love more like that, too.  That’s definitely a life-long challenge for each of us and we won’t do it perfectly on this earth, but we can walk in that direction each and everyday.

Love is a choice…it’s not a feeling.  It is a decision to be loving to another person because its the right thing to do.  It’s a decision to take your marriage vows seriously.  You most likely stated in some way during your marriage ceremony that you were committing to love “for better or worse.” That means in good times and in bad.  So now you’re in one of those bad times…this is when love isn’t easy, but it also isn’t impossible.

What are some practical ways to turn your heart in the right direction when the spark seems to have gone out on your marriage?

1) Change your thoughts.  You are probably spending a lot of time thinking about the negative things about your spouse. Everytime you catch yourself thinking something negative about your spouse, think of two good things about him.

2) Pay attention to where there is apathy, bitterness, and unforgiveness that is poisoning your heart. What is going on internally that needs to be tended to? Your lack of desire is not only affected by what your husband does or doesn’t do…it’s even more affected by what you are feeding on the inside of you. What poison is inside of your heart?

3) Begin acting lovingly to your husband. Text him during the day, flirt with him, plan a getaway with him.  The grass is always greener where it’s being watered. Water the grass you have.

4) Get help. Marriage counseling can be helpful in identifying the issues that are below the surface, but not yet recognized.  Sometimes our own parents marriage (or divorce) color how we see marriage or our spouse.  Sometimes our

5) Watch two movies.  I encourage you to rent two movies that show a floundering marriage get the spark back again.  Fireproof is one and Hope Springs is the other. Both of these are helpful movies in catching a vision for investing in the marriage you have. Fireproof is a Christian film, Hope Springs is a secular movie, but Mark and I both felt both films were very good in helping us during our dark season.

Every marriage goes through seasons.  Don’t give up when things get hard.  If you push through it, it’s actually possible to have a stronger marriage on the other side of a hard season.  I know that because I’ve experienced that.


What about you?  Have you repaired your marriage or changed your feelings about your spouse? What additional wisdom would you offer to Stacy?





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