Reclaiming and Reframing Triggers: Healing from Broken Trust

Things like the date he asked for a divorce and left our home or the hotel he would frequent during the affair would bring up all kinds of negative emotions for me. Yet, as we did the healing work around these triggers, do you know what we learned?

Everything that threatens to be a trigger can be reclaimed and reframed in a more positive light. 

Mark: We worked with a couple recently on this very principle in our coaching and were reminded of how many people still feel the lingering effects of broken trust. Healing is a long process, and there are bound to be moments along the way when one or both spouses is hurt by a memory of the betrayal. We can’t stop this. However, what we can do is choose to reframe triggers from a negative to a positive. This process is not always easy, but it is so worth it if both partners are committed.

Jill: That’s right! That’s why, in order to help other couples who may be experiencing and struggling with triggers, we are sharing our tips for how to reframe and reclaim them.

Identifying Triggers

Mark: A trigger could be any number of things, from a location to a date to a behavior. There are no limits, because each couple and their experience is unique. For a spouse whose betrayal involved financial mismanagement, a trigger for their partner might be finding a large amount of cash in their wallet. If cash was previously used to avoid leaving a digital record of spending, discovering it can quickly bring up feelings of fear, suspicion, or uncertainty. This can be true even if the spouses have been putting in consistent work to rebuild trust over time.

Jill: In our story, many of my triggers were tied to places associated with the affair. Some were local locations connected to what had happened, and I would feel on edge whenever I or we drove near them.

Another location that threatened to become a trigger was the city where the affair partner lived. Coincidentally, it was also the city where our extended family lived, which meant we occasionally needed to travel there to visit them. Sometimes Mark needed to travel there alone to help his mother. At first, that felt daunting, because the city had become linked to the betrayal in my mind. However, thanks to the intentional steps Mark took to rebuild trust like taking a friend with him on those trips early in the rebuilding trust journey, those trips did not become the source of ongoing fear they could have been. We’ll share more about that later.

Dates were also a big thing for me. The first year the date Mark walked away from our marriage (February 4th) showed up on the calendar, I experienced a sense of dread, as all the emotions I felt when he left came bubbling back to the surface. It’s almost like my body remembered it before my mind remembered it!

Mark: Once we identified these areas of frustration, fear, or apprehension, we were able to move on to reclaiming and reframing them from a negative to a positive. If you are reading this and you have not yet begun the healing process from broken trust, then we highly recommend starting with our roadmap. Reframing your triggers should come after trust has already begun to be rebuilt.

READ: A 4-Step Roadmap for Healing from Infidelity and Broken Trust

Reclaiming and Reframing

Jill: While it may not feel like it right away, we have the power to change how we interpret our triggers. We can choose whether we are going to view them through the lens of our hurt or through the lens of our healing. Our hurt reminds us of the pain of the past and causes us to relive that experience each time we are triggered. However, our healing reminds us that this is just one part of our story. We have the ability to take our thoughts captive (2 Corinthians 10:5) and direct how they’re going to impact us moving forward.

Mark: One of the first things we did in our healing process was intentionally reframe the date I had walked away from Jill. Reframing a trigger isn’t about asking your spouse to forget what happened or erase the painful emotions associated with it. Instead, the goal is to introduce new, positive associations alongside the old ones.

With that in mind, when February 4th rolled around on the following year, we planned a weekend getaway at a cabin. Rather than spending the day dreading what it represented, we chose to create a new memory together.

Today, the Feb 4 memory reminds us of that weekend away—the conversations we shared, the connection we rebuilt, and the healing that was already underway.

Jill: You can do something similar in your own marriage! Consider all the ways you might reclaim the triggers that you experience. If it’s a song, consider reclaiming it by taking dance lessons with your spouse so you can bust a move together every time it comes up. If your trigger is a location, how might you create new, positive memories there? And if it’s a particular time of year or specific date, plan a date or a getaway during that time that you will look back on fondly. You might consider making it an annual activity that you can look forward to year after year.

Mark: We’ve worked with many couples in our coaching and intensives on overcoming the triggers in their relationship. For some, a room in their home was a trigger that brought up memories of the betrayal. Reclaiming that trigger looked like giving the room a makeover, repainting it, and giving it a new purpose.

A Word to the One Who Broke Trust

Mark: I want to take a moment to give some advice to the one who did the betraying in the relationship. While reframing triggers related to the broken trust might not be as important for you as it is for your spouse, it’s crucial that you show up and commit fully to this process. 

Be sure to acknowledge the pain and trauma your actions caused. Whenever possible, take the lead in rebuilding trust. Ask your partner if they are ready or willing to take some steps to reclaim a certain trigger. It may be that they need more time before they are ready to take that step; if that’s the case, communicate your understanding, offer reassurance, and take that next step with them when they are ready.

As Jill and I reclaimed triggers, it was important that I held myself accountable and offered up information she needed to feel safe. This is not about being monitored. It’s about choosing to be transparent, forthcoming, and patient as you rebuild trust one honest conversation at a time. Here’s a practical example:

Because my affair partner lived in the same town as my extended family, when Jill and I were rebuilding trust, I knew I needed to take the lead in pushing accountability when it came to visiting my family. I decided to take the extra step of having a friend travel with me whenever I visited my mom and Jill wasn’t able to go with me. This protected my marriage by removing any concerns about what I was doing while I was there. For Jill, this city, and my trips there to see family, could have become a trigger for anxiety and worry. But by taking the lead and pushing accountability, I helped reframe this location in her mind from a potential trigger to a clear sign of my commitment.

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Jill: I know it can be daunting to face your triggers, let alone reframe them. However, we have seen the power that reclaiming and reframing can have for a healing relationship. There is not one couple whom we have counseled that would say it wasn’t worth the work! 

Mark: We want to offer one more resource as you and your spouse walk through reframing triggers, and that is our 2.0 Marriage Intensive weekend. We understand how lonely and hopeless it can feel when your marriage is hurting, and we do these intensives because we love coming alongside couples so they don’t struggle alone. 

Our intensive could be for you if…

• You’re in crisis after infidelity or betrayed trust has been discovered.
• Your marriage is not in crisis, but you feel like something is missing. You want to make your relationship better, but you don’t know how.
• You’ve read books, listened to podcasts, gone to counseling, and still the same issues keep coming up to cause trouble in your relationship.
• The kids have grown up and left home, and you suddenly find yourself looking at each other asking, “Who are you?”
• Years of struggle have worn you down. You’re resigned that nothing can ever be different.

Jill: If you’re ready to grow, take the chance to get a year’s worth of counseling sessions in one transforming weekend—with follow-up care as well. 

Mark: Our pledge to you is that you’ll return home with a renewed sense of understanding and commitment in your marriage, along with practical tools and strategies that will guide you through a lifetime of marital connection.

LEARN MORE OR BOOK YOUR MARRIAGE INTENSIVE WEEKEND HERE.