Only 43.3% of couples reported being “happy” with how often they and their partner engaged in intimacy.

These results weren’t surprising to us, because there have been seasons in our own marriage when our expectations around sex weren’t aligned.

At one point, Mark even bought a book called Sex Begins in the Kitchen, assuming it would be a field guide to adventurous romance in the kitchen, the garden, and every other room of the house. To his surprise, it wasn’t about that at all. Instead, the book explored how lasting intimacy and passion are built through the small, everyday moments outside the bedroom.

Reading it gave us a new perspective. We realized how many opportunities we’d been overlooking to build intimacy long before we ever climbed into bed.

Today, we coach couples who are often looking for help on how they can reconnect, emotionally and physically, for a better marriage. Here’s what we tell them: There’s no magic wand you can wave and instantly have a better sex life, but there are a couple of key factors that can make or break your sex life. And here’s a secret: they both happen outside of the bedroom.

Here are two areas you can address that will drastically improve your sex life:

1) Your Attitude

“You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” 

Have you heard this phrase before? The lesson is a simple one: if our demeanor and tone are rude, miffed, or particularly spiteful, we are likely to get a similar response in kind.

If, from the moment we are around our spouse, all they hear is grumbling, complaining, criticisms, and grouchiness, how likely do you think they are going to be to initiate sex? More than likely, they will give you space to avoid making your mood worse. 

This doesn’t mean we should sweep conflict under the rug, but we do need to check our attitude toward our spouse. It can either invite or shut the door to our partner’s desire to be physically intimate.

So what can we do about it? There are great studies on how our thinking affects our attitude and actions. For instance, if all we notice are the ways our spouse is “missing the mark” in our eyes, then we aren’t very likely to think about them positively.

We need to start by checking our own heart to uncover the beliefs we carry about our spouse. Here are a few questions we like to ask to discover if we have a poor attitude:

• Am I defensive?
• Am I critical?
• Am I thinking negatively about my spouse?
• Am I putting our children before my spouse?
• Am I selfish?
• Am I angry?

The second part of checking our attitude is intentionally looking for the positive in our spouse. Too often, we fall into confirmation bias—we start noticing only the behaviors that reinforce the negative story we’ve been telling ourselves.

LISTEN: Understanding Confirmation Bias in Relationships | Episode 238

Start by finding one thing to compliment your spouse about each day. This helps re-train our brain to notice the positive things they do and not just the negative. Next, take notice of what our attitude is when we interact with our spouse. If you are feeling resentment, it’s probably time to get some help to work through why you feel that way and then learn how to respectfully address any unresolved conflict with your spouse.

2) Emotional Safety

The second thing that can make or break your sex life is whether or not you have emotional safety in your marriage. 

Here’s what we mean by that: emotional safety is when you can express your feelings – positive and negative – and have no fear of retaliation, judgement, or rejection as a result of those feelings.

Many of us carry with us past hurts from when we were emotionally vulnerable with someone and experienced a negative response or rejection. We may have even learned to hide certain parts of ourselves in order to be accepted by others.

God’s design for marriage is that it would be a place where all our masks melt away, and we can deeply know one another as we experience emotional safety.

Here are some of the questions to ponder to determine if you have emotional safety in your relationship:

• Do I seek to understand and listen well over merely trying to fix the problem?
• Do I respect my partner’s yes and their no?
• Do I sulk or punish when I am disappointed?
• Do I value emotions? 
• Can I apologize when my actions impact my partner?

It can be scary to trust our spouse with the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. When we embrace the truth that we all have imperfections and remain committed to our spouse, that is when we experience emotional safety.

One of the beauties of experiencing emotional “nakedness” is that physical nakedness is usually quick to follow!

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There is so much more to intimacy than what happens in the bedroom. Foreplay starts with an emotional connection and then leads into a physical connection.

Healthy intimacy isn’t built overnight—it’s cultivated through intentional conversations, shared experiences, and a willingness to keep learning together. 

That’s exactly why we’ve created our Date Night community. When you join, you’ll get instant access to not one, but two Deep Dives focused entirely on sex and intimacy. These in-depth sessions expand on many of the ideas we’ve shared in this article, giving you practical, biblical tools to strengthen this important part of your marriage. You’ll also enjoy creative monthly Date Night plans, expert interviews on marriage, live Q&As with Mark and I, and a growing library of marriage resources designed to help you thrive together.

We are currently accepting new members, and we want to invite you to join this interactive community and see what a difference it can make in strengthening your marriage!

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