To The Guy Thinking About Leaving His MarriageOur thoughts are powerful.

I remember the thoughts that caused me to leave my marriage twelve years ago.

Those same thoughts fueled the affair I ended up having.

And I’m reminded of those messages every time I spend time with a guy in crisis, because what he’s telling himself are the same things I told myself. There’s a little verse in the Bible that says, “There’s nothing new under the sun” and I see that everyday as a marriage coach. The same thoughts that nearly destroyed my marriage are destroying marriages all over the place.

Don’t be a statistic. If you’re thinking any of these thoughts, let me assure you you’re not alone, but also give you some important perspective you need to understand.

Change in my marriage isn’t possible.

Oh how I remember feeling this. It really feeds a feeling of hopelessness. Here’s what I want you to know, though. This thought isn’t true. If all you’re doing is complaining (either to yourself or to your spouse), your marriage won’t change. If all you’re doing is stewing on the inside and growing bitter, your marriage won’t change. If all you’re doing is being passive and not taking action, your marriage won’t change. However, if you’ll communicate your unhappiness and desire for change AND find a marriage coach or counselor to help you, CHANGE IS ABSOLUTELY POSSIBLE. It’s okay to tell your spouse you’ve actually entertained leaving so they understand the seriousness of your communication. There is hope! And with God, all things are possible!

Marriage should be easier than it is.

Oh man…this is one that can still ring in my ears if I’m not careful! I’m always looking for the easy button and believe that things should be easier than they are. Let me tell you that all relationships are hard work. You have to invest in relationships–you can’t put them on the backburner of life and expect them to thrive. Should temptation enter the scene with another relationship, it will seem as if THIS is your answer. That’s because it’s exciting and new and fresh. You’re not living day to day with this person. You’re not sharing money with this person. You’re not raising children with this person. You’re not cleaning up puke at 2am with this person. I was absolutely sure another relationship was the answer until it went on long enough to begin to have the same kinds of conflict my wife and I had. At that point I began to see that my thinking was skewed and that I was just trading out the hard of one relationship for the hard of another relationship.

I’ve lived for everyone else, now it’s time for me to do what I want.

I felt that I’d lived a life of obligation, commitment, and meeting everyone else’s expectations.  That made me bitter and resentful. I truly felt that my marriage was a big part of the problem and if I let go of that, life would be better. And it was…but only for a little while.

I entered into another relationship sure that was the answer…until it wasn’t. I experienced “happiness” for a time but that was also fleeting. That’s when I realized that I took someone with me–and that was me! I had a skewed perspective. I had unrealistic expectations. Like the old country song, “I was lookin’ for love in all the wrong places.”

The kids will be okay.

I was absolutely sure of this one. Three of my five kids were young adults in their twenties and two were teens still at home. I figured they would understand. They might be upset at first but they would get over it. Here’s what I discovered: no matter how old you are, you are deeply affected by divorce. My kids responses hit me between the eyes. Still I pushed forward in leaving and they were not okay. Your kids will NOT be okay. Will they adjust to a new reality? Probably. Will they trust you like they did before? Probably not. Will their heart ever fully heal from you leaving? It’s unlikely. It will always be a place of brokenness in their story that will affect their own relationships in ways both you and they are likely to not understand.

Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps addressed this in a People Magazine article (July 19, 2021) where he was honest about his addiction struggles, “After 45 days in a treatment facility, where he confronted his depression and the pain of his parents’ divorce when he was 9…”

Yes, AS AND ADULT he had to confront the pain of his parents’ divorce when he was 9. Don’t believe this lie for one minute. It will affect the kids–and future generations–in huge ways. 

No More PErfect Marriages book coverI’m tired of being parented and controlled.

I hear this from a lot of the guys I sit across from. I get it. I thought that too. Did I communicate that to my wife in an honest, respectful way? Nope. I stewed about it on the inside. When it happened, I told myself I was just letting it slide, but actually bitterness was pooling in my heart. Most women don’t know when they are “parenting” their spouse, but with help they can learn. With respectful, honest communication from you and a marriage coach or counselor, they can begin to identify the thinking that fuels their parenting tone of voice and actions. You can also learn the things you unknowingly do to contribute to her frustration. New relating patterns can be formed in your relationship that take “parenting” and control out of the mix! Admit it…you’ve gotten off course, but you can get back on course. It’s worth the work to course correct the relationship!

I don’t love my spouse any more.

I get this one, too. I really do because I felt the same way. Here’s what I’ve learned though: our thoughts fuel our feelings. If all of my thoughts about my spouse are negative, my feelings follow. If all I think about is my spouse’s shortcomings, my feelings follow. However, if I begin to think about ways I’m grateful for my spouse, my feelings follow. If I think about things my spouse positively brings to my life, my feelings follow.  Whatever you think, you will feel. When we learn to take our thoughts captive, we can learn to push our thoughts–and our feelings–to a different place than they currently are. Don’t leave your marriage because you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling. The feelings in marriage come and go. That’s a normal part of relationships. You owe it to yourself, your spouse, and your kids to do the mental work of loving. I remember the day that I prayed and ask God to show me how to love Jill like He loves me. That was a game-changer, my friend, because I realized that I had only been loving my wife based upon what I would get out of it. That is selfishness and doesn’t do well in a marriage relationship.

My spouse doesn’t hear me or care what I think.

When we’ve been in a relationship for a long time, unhealthy patterns form without us even realizing it. One spouse can begin to feel dominated by the other. The domineering spouse unknowingly minimizes the passive spouse’s thoughts and feelings. This contributes to the slow fade of minimizing we talk about in our No More Perfect Marriages book. Another relationship or even leaving the relationship isn’t the answer. Untangling the bad relational habits you’ve formed is the answer.

This new relationship is where I feel real connection.

If you’re involved in another relationship, you will feel incredible connection there. Everyone who steps out of their marriage does. Why? Because you’re not in a real wake-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-with-the-kids-puking relationship. You’re not dealing with everyday interaction that causes challenges. You’re not bumping into your differences every day. Every new relationship gives us “the tingles” and research shows that the tingles leave in 12-24 months. So by the time you’ve blown your family up and established a new marriage or set up house with your affair partner, it’s only a matter of months before the tingles goes away and reality sets in. How do I know? Well it happened to me at 10 months into the new relationship. We started to have conflict–different conflict than my wife and I had had–but conflict still the same. I started to see that this relationship–in the long run–wasn’t really going to be that different. The other reason I know this because of the number of people we’ve worked with as marriage coaches. While most of the couples we work with are able to create a 2.0 relationship, there have been some men (and women) who have chosen to walk away from their marriage. We’ve had a fair number of those come back to us several years later and say, “I wish I’d listened to you. I was convinced you were wrong and my relationship with this other person was the exception. It wasn’t though. I’ve blown up my family and here I am once again dealing with difficulties in this new relationship. I wish I had restored my marriage.”

I’m never enough.

If I had a quarter for every guy who’s told me this, I’d be a rich man. Maybe your wife has a critical spirit or maybe you view any form of feedback as criticism. Regardless of what fuels this thought in your relationship, the root of it probably was inside of you before you ever said, “I do.” The foundations of our identity are laid in our childhood. The relational dynamics of our relationship with our parents and other authority figures pave the way for how we think about ourselves. If those dynamics were positive, your identity foundation will serve you well. If those dynamics were negative (as they were for me), you have a shaky foundation for your identity and you may need to do some identity demolition and remodeling. It’s entirely possible that you feel confident in the business world and you don’t feel like enough at home. The answer isn’t leaving the relationship at home, it’s exploring what lies you’ve believed about yourself relationally for years. It’s digging into what you’ve used to feel good about yourself outside of God.

Don’t walk away. Don’t believe the lies. Don’t give into feelings of hopelessness. Leaving isn’t the answer. Another relationship isn’t the answer either.

Do have the courage to be honest. Do learn to speak up in a respectful way. Do have the humility to seek help. Do have the faith to believe that with God all things are possible.

We crashed at 28 years of marriage and nearly became a statistic. Now we’re getting ready to celebrate our 41st anniversary and I’m here to tell you it was worth every investment of time, energy, and money we made to get our relationship back on track.

If you want someone who understands to walk beside you and guide the way, I’d love to hear your story and help you find the change and success you’re looking for.

If you’d like Jill and I to walk alongside both of you, we’d be honored to do that as well. Yes, you’ll need to invest your time, energy, and money, but it’s an investment that will make a difference for you and for generations to come!