Jill: When you marry your spouse, you are choosing to join your life together with theirs—and this means melding your dreams, your hopes, and your belongings, too! You also bring together your “baggage.” These are the burdens we all carry with us from our past experiences—the misconceptions about relationships we may have picked up as a child along with all the hurts, struggles, shame, and doubt we’ve experienced over the years.
Mark: Everyone enters marriage with some baggage—it’s just part of being human, and there’s no shame in it. From how we handle conflict and build trust to the way we choose friends or approach our faith, our learned patterns of behavior naturally come along for the ride. Some of the habits we adopt as we grow up are healthy and constructive. But others can be more hurtful than helpful.
Jill: Many of us observed (and then absorbed) unhealthy patterns and behaviors from our families, friends, and relationships growing up. For better or worse, the way your parents treated one another—or perhaps even how they treated you—informs the patterns that show up in your relationships today. For instance, something as simple as your parents rarely apologizing when they said something hurtful to their spouse or children could have left a lasting impression on your young mind, making it difficult for you to muster up the words “I’m sorry” even when you know they’re needed.
Mark: Whether we are aware of our unhealthy patterns or not, it can be easy to fall into bad habits we learned as a child—and they can often become our default reactions. If we’re honest, we can probably all recall moments when our reactions weren’t shaped by a rational analysis of the present circumstances but were instead driven (almost automatically) by patterns we picked up in childhood. It can be frustrating when these patterns pop up in our lives without us being aware of them, but we’ve got some good news for you. With a bit of self-reflection, intentional growth, and healing, we can unlearn unhealthy patterns and create new, better ones.
Jill: This process can certainly be challenging, but we promise it’s well worth the effort! It is no easy task to overcome negative patterns and break generational cycles. But in the end, it’s always worth taking the time to address these unhealthy patterns, because doing so will help us unlock healthier relationships, improve how we function as people and romantic partners (we call this becoming the 2.0 version of ourselves), and decrease our chances of passing toxic cycles on to our children.
Mark: Ultimately, if you want to improve your marriage, we recommend both partners go through the process of unpacking their unhealthy patterns, as each person will bring their own unique baggage into the relationship. When each spouse takes the time to identify and unlearn the relationship misconceptions they absorbed in childhood, your marriage will naturally improve as a result of parallel personal growth. What’s more, discussing these learned patterns with each other helps you build empathy, giving you a better understanding of your spouse’s behavior or responses when they don’t seem to make sense. However, if your spouse is not willing, unpacking your baggage can still change your marriage!
The Patterns We Pick Up as Children
Jill: Now you may be wondering, what do these unhealthy habits look like in real life, and how can we unlearn them to reframe our responses in a healthier, more productive way? Over our years of experience coaching married couples, we’ve picked up on some of the most common areas where learned childhood patterns can cause clashes:
#1: How we communicate during a conflict.
Did your parents resort to yelling, insults, or name-calling when they fought? If they did, then you may feel tempted to resort to this type of aggression when your feelings boil over during a heated discussion. Additionally, if you never saw your parents apologize, admit fault, or try to make amends after they made a mistake, you may have adopted some harmful false beliefs—like thinking that saying sorry is a sign of weakness or expecting others to understand your feelings without expressing them.
#2: Our attachment styles.
Attachment styles are shaped during childhood and influence how we form connections based on the emotional bonds—or lack thereof—we experienced. Simply put, attachment styles fall into three categories: avoidant, anxious, or secure.
Those with an avoidant style may seem emotionally distant or insensitive in relationships, while those with an anxious style often come across as insecure or overly dependent. If your attachment style clashes with your spouse’s, it can lead to recurring challenges in your relationship. Interestingly, even when both partners share the same attachment style—whether avoidant or anxious—it can still create unique difficulties.
When we unpack our avoidant or anxious attachment style and do the work to move to a secure attachment style, it can be a game-changer for our marriage!
#3: How we manage money.
Are you more of a saver or a spender? Either answer, if taken to excess, can produce unhealthy patterns in a marriage. If your family overspent and had poor money management during your formative years, you may end up overcorrecting and pinch pennies to the point of pain in your marriage.
On the other hand, if you weren’t taught much about how to manage your money, you may stress your spouse out with spending habits that they see as reckless. Different styles of financial management can cause friction with your spouse when it comes time to create a plan for how you will spend your money together.
#4: How we handle household responsibilities.
You’d be surprised how often something as trivial as loading the dishwasher can cause strife in a marriage. Everyone has a particular way they like to do things based on what was considered normal in their family.
We love to share the story of someone who always cut their roast in half before cooking it. When asked why, they replied, “Because that’s how my mom did it.” But when her mom was asked the same question, it turned out she only did it because her pan was too small to fit a whole roast!
These are the kinds of patterns we can inherit when it comes to everyday tasks of managing a household—whether they make sense or not. When your spouse has a different way of doing things, their pattern and yours can clash! And when asked which method is the correct way, both spouses will likely respond with an emphatic “Mine!”
#5: How we approach faith.
Was faith a part of your life growing up? Some families follow a strict worship routine, while others may not prioritize it at all. How our parents approached faith often shapes how we connect with God in our own marriages. You might long for a worship regimen that’s either more flexible or more structured than what you grew up with, and without open communication, differences in preferences can lead to resentment.
For example, praying out loud might simply feel uncomfortable to you, but your silence could be misunderstood by your partner as passivity. Since faith is deeply important to many people, it can be challenging for couples to find common ground if they were raised with different faith rhythms—especially if they are parenting children together.
Mark: There are many more examples that could be added to this list. Take some time to reflect on your behaviors and patterns so you can identify what habits you are carrying from your childhood into your marriage. You might be surprised to discover why you respond in the way that you do.
Jill: The next step is to unlearn the patterns that aren’t serving you or your marriage. Keep in mind that some patterns are so deeply ingrained that working through them may require the help of a trusted friend, counselor, or coach. This process isn’t easy, but I promise that a happier, healthier marriage is waiting for you on the other side.
The Unlearning Process
Mark: Next time you and your spouse encounter conflict, try to get to the heart of the matter before you do anything else. If you can, step away and ask yourself a few questions: What’s really going on inside of me? What do I need to reframe?
Jill: If you fall into the trap of seeing your spouse as your opponent, it’s important to remind yourself that you’re really on the same team. If I’m imposing past hurts from my childhood onto my spouse, I need to gently remind myself that “my wife is not my stepfather” or “my husband is not my mom.” If I’m pointing the finger at my partner, I need to pay attention to the three fingers pointing back to me and ask myself what I’m contributing negatively to this disagreement. If I’m slipping into “he always…” or “she never…” thinking, I need to stop myself from globalizing this issue and move back to localizing it to the situation at hand.
Mark: Let’s take a look at those childhood patterns again, but this time reframe them so we can start to navigate them differently:
#1: How we communicate during a conflict.
Rather than reaching for the same patterns from our childhood, let’s take a step back, take a deep breath, and remind ourselves that we are working together to solve a problem, not working against one another.
Try sitting down with your partner in a calm setting before any arguments arise and mutually agree on a strategy that works for you when emotions get high. This could look like taking a time-out and going into separate rooms to cool down before you try to discuss the topic any further. Or it could involve making a promise that you will both do your best to avoid bottling up any emotions or resorting to the silent treatment when there’s something on your mind.
By taking the time to develop healthy communication strategies before conflict flares up and making a commitment to stay respectful even when a talk gets tense, you can move away from unhealthy communication patterns you may have internalized growing up.
#2: Our attachment styles.
It’s easy to feel confused or even doomed by your style. If you never take the time to understand or address your attachment style, you may find yourself stuck in an endless loop of withdrawing or clinging too tightly.
However, with intention and effort, we all have the ability to change and grow emotionally from our current style into a more secure attachment. Take some time to discover which attachment style you currently have. You might even start by checking out our guide to attachment styles. Practice new coping mechanisms and emotional skills to improve how you connect with others.
#3: How we manage money.
Some parents are unable to teach their children all the values and skills needed to successfully manage money within the complex dynamics of a family. So we often bring our “uneducated” money perspectives into marriage. That’s why it’s important for us to go to school together on money management.
Take the time to have a “financial committee meeting” at least once a month to make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about the reality of your family’s finances. Work with your spouse to find a healthy balance between hoarding money and overspending, all the while holding space for how their childhood experiences may be shaping their current perspectives.
#4: How we handle household responsibilities.
Here’s a secret, there is no “right” way to load a dishwasher. There are just different ways of doing it. Instead of seeing these differences as “wrong,” we need to reframe our perspective. The happiest solution for you and your spouse here might be to compromise—divide up the weekly chores so each of you can handle your tasks the way you prefer. This way, the chores get done, no one feels frustrated by the process, and peace is preserved.
#5: How we approach faith.
There are many different ways you and your spouse may choose to pursue a relationship with God. One may prefer to pray out loud and go through a devotional together. The other may need still, silent time with the Lord.
Rather than assuming your spouse doesn’t want to share time together with the Lord or is being passive, take some time to ask one another how you like to spend time with God. You might even discuss how you would like to pursue God as a family. This might look like reading a verse before you head off to work in the morning or praying over your requests at night before you go to bed.
Jill: In addition to these strategies above, we highly recommend utilizing some disarming phrases such as:
- Tell me more.
- What I hear you saying is…
- I receive that.
- I’m sorry. Will you please forgive me?
These phrases can help us get to the bottom of an issue without falling into the trap of our childhood behaviors.
Want to go even further into uncovering your unhealthy childhood patterns and replacing them with more productive ones? Check out our No More Perfect Marriages Home Edition. During this four-week on-demand seminar you’ll learn more about how our childhood patterns affect our marriages as well as how to overcome frustration, what your default love style is, and more!
