Let’s talk about sex, baby! Isn’t that how the song goes?
However, the reality is that most couples aren’t talking about sex and they need to be!
Shaunti Feldhahn and Dr. Michael Sytsma, co-authors of Secrets of Sex & Marriage (and guests who joined us on the No More Perfect Podcast), found that 73% of couples don’t talk about sex well because it can feel awkward or difficult to bring up.
This is a topic we are passionate about, not only because sex therapy was a game-changer in our own relationship, but also because sex is something our clients ask us about in marriage coaching sessions all the time.
It happens so much, we’ve created an 8-week deep dive all about sex and intimacy called “Great Sexpectations” as a part of our Date Night Community.
When we created this series, we hosted LIVE Q&As where people could anonymously submit their questions about marriage, sex, and intimacy.
We know sexual struggles can feel isolating, and there are some questions you may not even know how to ask. But you’re not alone—and healing starts with having the right information. That’s why we’ve gathered 7 of the most common questions we get about sex—and we’re answering them for you right here:
1) “Why am I still embarrassed to talk about sex with my spouse?”
The act of getting naked with another person is a deeply vulnerable thing. It’s only natural that we feel awkward or even embarrassed when the subject of intimacy arises—especially if we’ve never broached the topic before.
After all, in the movies (which is sex ed for many of us!) you don’t ever see couples talk about sex. Instead it seems like it happens naturally, which sends us a wrong message. In reality, healthy couples with healthy sex lives talk about sex!
There are lots of reasons couples struggle to have open and vulnerable conversations about sex:
What if your spouse thinks what you like is odd? You might feel judged or even shamed.
And what if your spouse feels uncomfortable or like they are not enough?
One piece of advice we often share with couples is the importance of “getting curious.” When our spouse shares something surprising with us—especially around a topic as personal as sex—it can be easy to feel shocked or uncomfortable. This leads to us shutting down instead of opening up.
Try this instead. Even if your spouse shares something that makes you feel personally rejected, take the time to ask good questions before you jump to a reaction.
Here are just a few we like to use:
- “Tell me more about that.”
- “Help me understand. What is it like for you when ____?”
- “What is happening inside of you?”
When both spouses feel confident that conversations about sex can be safe and constructive, you create an environment where healthy communication can happen more frequently—and that means you can move towards clarity faster.
Remember, no one has ever died of embarrassment. So if you can muster up the courage to start a conversation about sex, we promise you won’t regret it!
2) “Is God okay with sex toys?”
The Bible is completely silent when it comes to sex toys, which makes sense—there were no batteries back then!
While there are no clear instructions in Scripture on this topic, God does give principles to help guide us.
There’s a clear list of “thou shalt not do” actions on the topic of sex—like having sex with animals, adultery, or inviting a third person into the bedroom.
However, when a topic surrounding sex comes up that isn’t covered in the Bible, we tend to go back to the God-given goal of intimacy within marriage, which is to create “oneness.” If it’s not forbidden and you’re both open to it, that’s oneness!
On a more practical side, nearly 50% of women cannot orgasm through intercourse alone. This means they will need some kind of clitoral stimulation—whether that comes from their own hand, their husband’s, or a device like a vibrator—in order to orgasm.
We really appreciate the folks over at MarriedDance.com—they offer a Christian sex toy website (no nudity) where they provide helpful guidance from a Christian perspective. If you use DATENIGHT coupon code you can get a 10% discount.
3) “How can I get in the right headspace to enjoy intimacy?”
Our thinking can definitely get in the way during sex.
You might be focusing on your to-do list for the day, that project at work, or even how best to parent your children through a difficult season—which can make it hard to fully enjoy sexual intimacy.
We often think of sex as a physical act, but the truth is, preparing your mind to be in the right “headspace” is just as important as putting on a sexy outfit or building your spouse up with foreplay.
When we frequently find ourselves “in our own heads” when it comes to sex, it’s worth considering if this struggle may connect back to something in our childhood:
- What unhealthy messages were caught or taught in my childhood?
- What unhealthy messages might we have picked up from a legalistic church perspective?
- What did we grow up believing about ourselves and about sexual relationships?
These topics are crucial to address, either through coaching or therapy, so that you can reframe damaging false beliefs into healthier, more accurate ones.
So, if you are struggling to get into the right headspace, first examine if you have any beliefs about yourself or sex that need to be addressed.
Once you’ve done that, carve out some time in your schedules where your only focus is intimacy. This might require sending the kids off to Grandma and Grandpa’s or hiring a babysitter. The goal is to do whatever is needed to alleviate some of the worries and stressors in your mind.
While this may not be realistic every time you have sex, you can aim to create an intentional time to build up to and focus solely on intimacy at least once a month.
4) “Is there a place for self-stimulation in the bedroom?”
The short answer is yes! Again, we want to go back to the goal of intimacy and oneness in marriage. There is a lot more freedom than there are restrictions when we operate out of this definition.
A helpful add-on to this question is, “How can I guide my spouse to touch me if I don’t know what works for me?”
For most women, the most reliable way to orgasm is through stimulation of the clitoris. If women don’t feel like it is permissible to touch themselves or explore their bodies, then they may never be able to express what they do or don’t like with confidence.
Remember that when a topic surrounding sex comes up that isn’t covered in the Bible, we tend to go back to the God-given goal of intimacy within marriage, which is to create “oneness.”
That means if you are touching your own genitals during sex and your partner is enjoying that, then that’s oneness! There is vulnerability, trust, and connection being established with the person you have vowed to love, support, and cherish.
5) “Why does my spouse turn to pornography?”
Barna’s 2015 study The Porn Phenomenon found that just over half of practicing Christians report consuming porn with some level of frequency, including 22 percent who view it weekly. The sad thing about that is that porn is robbing the marriage of intimacy.
Consider the ways that porn differs from intimacy with your spouse:
- Porn occurs in secret.
- Intimacy opens you up to your spouse, where you have nothing to hide.
- Porn brings another person into the picture.
- Intimacy is shared between a husband and wife.
- Porn is a performance.
- Intimacy is two souls connecting.
Your spouse may be turning to pornography because it’s a soothing behavior they learned many years ago (likely before you were married!) It doesn’t require the emotional or vulnerable work of going to another person. There is a flood of dopamine hormones that get released when viewing porn and masturbating, but those feelings don’t last. After comes the wave of shame, sadness, and even guilt.
READ: Marriage Monday: Advice for When Pornography Hits Home
If you discover your partner is viewing porn, take the time to have a curious conversation about pornography with your spouse. Try not to react defensively or with judgment. Resist making it about you because their porn use likely has nothing to do with you. There will be a time when you can share how their porn use makes you feel, but start with understanding and curiosity.
6) “Why is sex so much easier at the beginning of a relationship?”
Every relationship starts full of excitement, energy, and novelty—it’s all brand new! This is what Gary Chapman refers to as “the tingles.” There’s an intensity and infatuation as you get to know your spouse.
Over time, that feeling fades. Life gets busy as you and your spouse pursue careers, start a family, or even buy a house. The pressures of life can add up as you fall into a routine with your spouse and the relationship loses its novelty.
It’s important to go beyond those initial feelings of infatuation as your relationship deepens over time. Instead of extravagant candle-lit dinners, your “I love you’s” might be communicated in taking out the trash or paying your spouse a genuine compliment.
The book Sex Begins in the Kitchen was so helpful for us when we were feeling desperate and frustrated in our own marriage. It helped us think about how we build intimacy outside the bedroom, so things would really sizzle in the bedroom.
If you feel like the sparks between you and your spouse have sizzled out in the years since you said your vows, check out this episode of the No More Perfect Podcast where we discussed sex, intimacy, and navigating the challenges of marriage!
7) “How do we go back to sex after years of not, when we feel so broken in this area?”
We’ve navigated this question with so many couples, as well as in our own marriage after infidelity. Many couples struggle to “relearn” sex after a medical issue, trauma, or broken trust of some sort has taken place.
Sometimes couples have to take penis-in-vagina sex off the table due to painful intercourse in menopause, illness, or other medical issues. Those couples move from intercourse to outercourse and still are able to sexually play together.
Here are a few questions you might discuss as you consider reengaging in sex:
- “I would love to reignite our sex life. Would you be willing to have a conversation about that sometime?”
- “What is at the heart of why we stopped having sex?”
- “What are your fears about re-engaging in sex?”
- “If intercourse feels like too much, what other sexual connection would you be open to re-engaging?”
As you have these discussions, you may find that there is more work to be done outside of re-engaging in intimacy.
For instance, trust may have been broken. For anyone struggling with broken trust or infidelity, we highly recommend starting with our Rebuilding Trust Course.
And if there are other issues that surface, don’t suffer in silence. Set up a coaching call with us and we’ll help you work through them!
Asking questions and having conversations about sex, pleasure, and intimacy may feel a little awkward at first, but there is so much to be gained when we are willing to get curious, dig deep, and strive for a deep oneness with our spouse. It could even lead to some of the best sex of your lives!
If you are looking for more ways to spark laughter, love, and friendship, consider joining our Date Night Community. Each month, you’ll get fun date nights designed to deepen communication, ignite romance, and strengthen your connection.
The questions and answers in this article were inspired by the live Q&As we did when we were tackling the theme of “Great Sexpectations” with our Date Night Community. However, if you weren’t part of the community during this series, don’t worry! When you sign up for Date Night, you get instant access to our archive of past content—meaning you can explore our entire 8-week deep dive on the topic of sex at any time you wish.
