The topic we’re exploring today has been requested many times over the last year. I asked my friend, Sarah, if she would be willing to share her experience and wisdom with us as she has an adult child who is estranged and put up some big boundaries.
Sarah is also a licensed counselor and understands this issue from both a professional and a personal perspective. She has asked that we do this interview anonymously but we’re so grateful that Sarah has graciously agreed to share her wisdom and knowledge with us on this sensitive topic.
In this conversation, you’ll hear:
- The reasons estrangement happen
- What our child needs from us
- The importance of doing your own healing work
- And so much more…
If you have adult children, even if they aren’t estranged, you need to hear this episode!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- [BOOK] When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along
- [BOOK] Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
- Episode 170: Intent vs. Impact
- [BOOK] Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
- [BOOK] Rejection Free: How to Choose Yourself First and Take Charge of Your Life by Confidently Asking For What You Want
[BOOK] Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better - As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks.
My Key Takeaways:
1) Do the inner work. Our children may never validate our experience or apologize for the estrangement. And quite frankly, they shouldn’t have to. The pain you feel is valid, but your child is not the one who should be responsible for that work. It is important to seek out another person to help you work through your own experiences, shame, guilt, and more. Your child will never be in a relationship of equal power with you and our lifelong job as their parent is to protect and care for them.
2) Realize that our kids are on their own healing journey. As we heard in this conversation, Sarah was self-aware that she had been a very reactive and angry mom. Even though she had grown and changed from that, her child still needed to go on their own process of grief and healing. Regardless of the inner work you have done, your child may still be processing the way they experienced their childhood or specific situations.
3) Trust God with the outcome. We may be feeling that there is no hope for the relationship with our estranged adult child. We may even be fighting feelings that we are not enough or don’t know who we are outside of our role as a parent. The reality is that we can be okay in Christ regardless of how the situation turns out. It’s important to ask ourselves, “How can I be healthy and stable even if this relationship is never healed?” (Hint: Listen to last week’s episode #179 for insight into that!)
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I’m so THANKFUL that you talked about this subject!
God doesn’t waste any of our pain- He will use it to reveal who He really is: the Great I am.
I’ve got 2 estranged daughters since October 2021. (It’s January 2024 now & I’m trusting God for the healing & the outcome in His perfect way & in His perfect timing!
The shame was overwhelming, but God is the God who sees and who cares, and who is in the fire with us, and who will bring us through it on the other side IF we allow Him to be a part of it.
God brings beauty from the ashes: The ashes was estrangement & shame, but the beauty is the process of discovering my true identity and how God sees & defines me.
There is HOPE & a FUTURE! We’re gonna make it!!!
Yes! Absolutely!
What book do you recommemend? I have been ostracized by my family for last year.
We recommend several books in the show notes above but if you’re asking which book to start with I would choose one of these two:
[BOOK] When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along
[BOOK] Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict
I’m trying to figure out how to heal my relationship with my daughter
I’m so sorry you’re walking through this. This episode will be a good place to start.
Thank You for this great information!!! I took lots of notes.
Wonderful! It was definitely a note-taking episode!
I love how God works! I’ve been dealing with this currently and I just recently found you and started following you and this podcast(episode) came on my email. I would love to get in touch to get some help through this.
Hi Wendy, I’m so glad our paths have connected! I do coaching calls. You can get started here: https://jillsavage.org/coaching-with-jill/
Wow!!! Thank you!! This was incredibly helpful!
So glad!
I have an estranged daughter since 2007. Praying her heart stats soft and receptive to to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. That someone is able to speak to her and she realizes her need for Christ before it is too late. Today is the day of salvation. We are closer everyday to Christ’s return. I sometimes wonder if I will see her return before I die. It grieves my heart and soul to think about not seeing her in heaven.
🙏🙏🙏
Thank you. That was very healing just to know some other mother has survived!
Yes! That makes a big difference!
So thankful for this podcast. Someone shared with me and this truly helped me. I was/am that mom with shame/guilt/anxiety/depression etc. and felt there was no way forward. Thank you for sharing your story i am living this out now.
Christine, I’m so glad someone shared it with you!