Dear Jill,
I’m emailing because I need prayer and advice and I honestly don’t know who else to turn to.
My marriage is good. My spouse is wonderful; however, there’s someone I work with who I really enjoy talking to. I find myself wishing my spouse was more like them.
I don’t want to mess anything up and I don’t believe either of us would allow anything to happen to our marriages (this other person is happily married as well) but I find myself thinking about them or comparing my spouse to them more than I should and it really scares me. What do I need to do?
I’m really struggling and wrestling with this because I know it’s not what God would want for me.
I haven’t told anyone else about this because I’m too scared to admit it to anyone else but it’s burdening me to the point that I needed to share with someone.
Thank you so much for being available even though you don’t know me.
Struggling
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Dear Struggling,
I’m so glad you reached out.
None of us are immune from temptation. However, it’s what we do with temptation that matters. The enemy will do anything to steal, kill, and destroy—including tempting us to look outside our marriage. It’s very important that you do what the Bible tells us to do with temptation: RUN! (1 Corinthians 6:18)
I had this very thing happen many years ago when I was working at a dinner theater. I made the decision to leave the job to protect my marriage and get my heart in the right place (he was my dance partner). Not everyone has to leave a job in this situation, but you absolutely need to start pushing your thoughts in a very different direction when you begin to think about this person in any way other than in relation to work.
You also need to call out the lies in your head. You know your husband’s shortcomings. You don’t know this man’s shortcomings and, believe me, he has them. He may be strong in ways your husband is not, but he has other weaknesses. You just aren’t familiar with them.
When those thoughts come in your mind, tell God you’re sorry for the lustful thought (yes this is lust) and then say, “I don’t know this man’s shortcomings but he has them. I will focus on my husband and not on anyone else.” Then do something to do that—thank God for your husband’s strengths. Send him a text telling him you’re thinking of him. Pray for your husband. Do not entertain thoughts about this other man—you must push your thoughts away from him and towards your marriage.
You can find a blog post we wrote about protecting your marriage right here.
You can also find a podcast conversation where we share the story of when I experienced something similar right here.
And one more podcast episode about pushing our thoughts in a different direction can be found here.
You can do this and it’s very important that you do! The health of your family and marriage is at stake.
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