Gardening is one of my favorite hobbies.
Every year, I look forward to seeing my flower garden burst into full color. But long before the blooms appear, there are months of quiet work happening beneath the surface.
In the spring, I spend time preparing the soil. Then, I plant seeds, and I spend weeks nurturing them with water, fertilizer, and sunlight.
During these stages, there’s very little evidence that anything beautiful is coming.
But I’ve been gardening long enough to know that so much growth is happening below the surface before it ever becomes visible to my eye.
Bulbs buried deep in the dirt are storing nutrients. Roots are strengthening underground. Tiny green shoots slowly emerge when the conditions are right. On the surface, it may seem like nothing is changing, but that couldn’t be further from the truth.
This idea of slow, unseen progress shows up in many different parts of life: in personal growth, physical fitness, home improvement, and of course, in marriage. In all of these areas, we may wish for instant results, but the truth is, growth takes time. Progress happens through small, consistent efforts.
This is so important to remember, especially if you’re working on growing your marriage. After all, when you’re going through a period of internal growth, you can feel it—but when your spouse is growing, it’s not always something that can be seen from the outside.
That’s why I want to share a few practical thoughts about how we can remain patient and hopeful while our spouse is growing beneath the surface:
Accepting Where Your Spouse is Now
In our marriage coaching, one principle Mark and I teach is the God Tool of Acceptance. We guide couples in how to cultivate what we call an abundance mindset, as opposed to a scarcity mindset.
Abundance sees small steps of progress and celebrates them. Scarcity focuses on what is missing. Abundance accepts the reality of who our spouse is. Scarcity views our spouse through the unrealistic expectations of who we wish they would be.
When I see a tiny green shoot unfurling in my garden, I don’t criticize it for not being a full-grown flower. I celebrate the new growth that is happening!
That’s how it can work in marriage, too.
Unrealistic expectations make it easy to overlook the small but meaningful progress your spouse is making. It’s just like if you were looking down at a patch of soil from above and getting frustrated that you couldn’t see any signs of growth.
But when you adjust your expectations to meet your spouse where they are, things level out. You’re more likely to notice and appreciate their efforts—bringing encouragement to them, and greater contentment to you. Think of this like looking at a terrarium from the side. All of a sudden, with your new perspective, you can see that little buds were sprouting under the surface all along.
Are you truly accepting your spouse for who they are right now, or is your heart harboring unmet expectations that are leading to resentment? Make the intentional choice today to relinquish control—to accept your spouse without trying to change, alter, or correct them.
This turns your perspective to one of appreciation instead of discontent. It’s a game-changer!
READ MORE: Why Choosing Acceptance Over Expectations Opens the Door to Growth
How to Nurture Your Spouse’s Growth
If a gardener becomes impatient and stops watering seeds because they haven’t bloomed yet, the garden will never flourish. The flowers will die, and the gardener will end up feeling even more disappointed. It’s a lose-lose situation.
In the same way, relationships still need intentional care during seasons when progress feels slow. One of the biggest mistakes we can make in marriage is withholding care and connection because we feel frustrated that growth is taking too long.
You may not be able to control your spouse’s choices, growth, or timeline. But you can control how you show up in the relationship.
So, ask yourself this important question:
Am I helping create an environment for growth?
When you’re in a season of waiting, you can still “fertilize” your spouse, yourself, and the relationship as a whole.
You can nurture your spouse by voicing kind words of acceptance. By remaining encouraging as they try, fail, and try again. Most importantly, you can nurture them by praying for them.
READ MORE: Being an Intentional Wife: The Power of Praying for Your Husband
You can nurture yourself by pursuing personal goals that you’ve been putting to the side. By investing in your mental and physical wellness. By spending time with friends and family that make you feel fulfilled.
You can nurture your relationship by investing in quality time together, speaking your spouse’s love language, and making the marriage a safe and secure space where both spouses can show up honestly and authentically as themselves.
When we practice patience with our spouse and intentionally choose to focus on the small signs of progress, our relationship takes on an environment of encouragement, support and affirmation. This makes our spouse feel safe, and safety is the fertilizer for growth.
Just imagine a child trying to do something scary for the first time—like riding a bike. If that child is yelled at, berated, and shamed, their fear will only grow, making it even harder to learn this new skill. But if the child is made to feel safe, and assured that they can go at their own pace, it’s only a matter of time before they are off on their own, exploring the whole neighborhood with the training wheels long gone.
Appreciating Different Seasons
Have you ever felt the warm sun of a summer’s day and thought to yourself,
“Man, I wish it could just be like this all the time!”
I’m sure we’ve all had a thought like this at some time or another. I certainly have moments when I wish my beautiful flowers could remain in full bloom all year round.
But if that were the case, I would miss the joy that comes from tending to my garden.
It wouldn’t feel nearly as fulfilling to look out the window and see those blooms without knowing that my hard work and patience helped them grow. And it wouldn’t feel as meaningful to gift a bouquet to a friend and know they can see the time, dedication, and love poured into it.
We may wish it could be “summer” all the time in our marriage or in our spouse’s personal growth—that everything would feel easy, smooth, and free from sacrifice or effort. But that’s not reality.
There will be seasons when you have to put in the work, both individually and as a couple.
And in many ways, that’s the beauty of marriage, isn’t it?
As a gardener, I’ve had to learn over the years that every season has its purpose. If you can offer your spouse love and encouragement during the “winters” of their life—and they can offer the same grace to you—you’ll be cultivating fertile ground for a marriage that continues to flourish for years to come.
I know not everyone reading this will be a gardener like I am. But I am willing to bet we ALL have areas in our lives where we get discouraged and feel like nothing is happening. So let me say this to you (and myself!): Hang in there, and keep doing the work. Your efforts matter, even when they feel small. Don’t give up!
And if you are reading this with a weary heart from a marriage that feels dormant like my winter flowerbed, consider if our 2.0 Marriage Intensive weekend could be a good fit for you!
We understand how lonely and hopeless it can feel when your marriage is hurting, and we do these intensives because we love coming alongside couples so they don’t struggle alone.
Our intensive could be for you if…
- You’re in crisis after infidelity or betrayed trust has been discovered.
- Your marriage is not in crisis, but you feel like something is missing. You want to make your relationship better, but you don’t know how.
- You’ve read books, listened to podcasts, gone to counseling, and still the same issues keep coming up to cause trouble in your relationship.
- The kids have grown up and left home and you suddenly find yourself looking at each other asking “who are you?”
- Years of struggle have worn you down. You’re resigned that nothing can ever be different.
2026 started off strong with our weekends filling up quickly, so we know the remaining 20 spots will fill up fast. If you’re ready to grow, take the chance to get a year’s worth of counseling sessions in one transforming weekend—with follow-up care as well.
Do the work of tending your relationship now so that, like my summer garden, there can be a season of flourishing beauty in your marriage.
