Are you feeling worn out from doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage? You are the only spouse who is putting in the effort to listen to podcasts, read the books, and initiate thoughtful conversations—or at least it feels that way.
Resentment is slowly starting to build as you think to yourself over and over, “Why am I the only one doing the work to improve our marriage?”
The topic for this conversation was inspired by a listener-submitted question that asks:
“Is the woman in the marriage the one who does most of the heavy lifting to promote emotional growth?”
This is such an important question, and in this episode, we’re here to answer it. Listen in to hear our thoughts, as well as some tips to help you not only encourage growth in your spouse, but to shift your perspective on the effort they are already putting in.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- How your attachment style affects the way you pursue depth in a relationship
- How you can invite connection in your marriage
- How to know when you are being called to accept your partner where they are
- And more!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Prefer to watch this episode? You can now view and subscribe to our YouTube.
- Tackling Selfishness | Episode 298
- [BOOK] No More Perfect Marriages
- BONUS: Why Marriage Should Be 70/30, Not 50/50
- FREE Attachment Quiz
- Understanding Attachment Course
- Wait Is Not Wasted Course
- Wait Is Not Wasted FREE Webinar
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks.
Our Key Takeaways:
1) The anxiously attached partner is typically the one motivated to do more work. To answer the listener’s question: No, it isn’t always women who are doing the majority of the work to grow the relationship. We’ve found that people who have an anxious attachment style, regardless of their gender, have a tendency to never feel satisfied with things as they are. While this may make it look like they are the ones working on the relationship, there’s also a downside to this mindset. As soon as their current desire for connection and growth is met, their insecurity bubbles up again, and the goalpost gets pushed further away.
2) Invite rather than accuse. Have you ever heard the saying that you’ll catch more flies with honey? It’s the same concept here. If we only communicate to our spouse all they aren’t doing, then there is very little incentive to change. Try this approach instead: replace “you never…” with “would you join me…” This might also look like a brainstorming session on activities you both would like to do together to increase your connection. We love taking 5 minutes at the end of a meal to chitchat before moving on with our evening!
3) Acceptance is needed where you are most frustrated. The act of releasing our spouse from our unrealistic expectations and instead meeting them where they are is so crucial. It’s important to stop measuring what is missing and instead see what your spouse actually brings to the relationship. If there is a particular area in your relationship where you are constantly frustrated with your spouse, that’s a sure-fire sign that you need to reach for the God tool of acceptance. Take some time to identify the positive things about who your spouse is and what they bring into this relationship.
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