Dear Mark & Jill,
I listen to your podcast every week and I love it. It seems like when you are talking together, we hear a lot more about what Mark did wrong before and during your marriage crisis. I identify more with Jill’s personality before your marriage crisis. I would love to hear more about “Jill 1.0” when you are discussing problems in your marriage. What were some of the things you (Jill) did during that time that you felt did not help the situation, and how did you correct them to become Jill 2.0?
This was an email we got from a listener—and it sparked an hour-long conversation between Mark and I! It was such a good question that we decided to answer their email in this episode of the podcast.
We often talk openly about our marriage crisis, Mark’s infidelity, and how I contributed to the dysfunction in our marriage before we became what we affectionately refer to as Mark & Jill 2.0.
For this conversation, we want to examine Jill 1.0 more closely—not to blame her for what happened, but to honestly consider the role she played in our marriage crisis.
In this episode, you’ll learn about:
- The 6 dysfunctions Jill brought into our marriage
- What the “strong woman, silent man cycle” looks like
- The characteristics of an “avoider”
- And more!
It was enlightening for Mark and I to examine some of my behaviors during the first half of our marriage and how they impacted our relationship. I hope this can be a helpful resource for you, especially if you relate to or have a similar personality to mine.
Resources mentioned in this episode:
- Understanding Confirmation Bias in Relationships | Episode 238
- Choosing Compassion | How I Stopped Being a Buck Up Wife and Mom | Episode 1
- [BOOK] The God Empowered Wife: How Strong Women Can Help Their Husbands Become Godly Leaders
- [BOOK] Is There Really Sex After Kids?: A Mom-to-Mom Chat on Keeping Intimacy Alive
- As a thank you for listening, get your 3 free eBooks
My Key Takeaways:
1) Everyone brings “stuff” to a relationship. Whether you’re carrying a suitcase or a whole semi-truck worth of baggage, everything from your upbringing and self-perception to your weaknesses and personal faith will shape your marriage—for better or worse. This was a hard lesson we had to learn, but the truth is, everyone needs to take the time to own and deal with their own “stuff”.
2) Habits we picked up when we were single may not be serving our marriage. There’s a book by Gary Thomas called Sacred Marriage, and right on the cover he asks, “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” Wow, that is a challenging thought. In our marriage, I found that some of the things that served me well in my single life (being strong and independent to the point I didn’t need others) were actually harming my marriage. We need to be willing to take a look at the messages our actions are communicating to our spouse and remain open to adopting new habits—even if that means changing the way we used to do things when we were single.
3) What we think about sex outside the bedroom affects what happens in the bedroom. If you, like me, grew up in a conservative household, your understanding of sex may be focused more on what you “can’t” or “shouldn’t” do rather than what you can. This mindset drastically impacted our marriage. Regardless of your background, it’s important to challenge the incorrect ideas we have about sex and adopt a healthy, God-given perspective about what happens between a husband and wife in the bedroom.
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