Everything in life requires repair: homes, cars, computers, and most importantly, relationships. When we don’t appropriately repair our relationships from a rupture, big or small, then those hurts begin to pile up and create resentment.
At our marriage intensives, we often help couples clean up accumulated hurt that never got repaired simply because they didn’t have the tools to do so.
This is an important skill not only for relationships with a romantic partner, but also with our children and in friendships.
True repair goes beyond saying “I’m sorry,” and in this conversation, we share practical ways to approach conflict and hurts.
In this episode, you’ll hear:
- What happens when you allow hurts to accumulate
- How justifying actions minimizes the other person’s feelings
- The steps to take in order to fully clean up hurts
- And more!
Resources mentioned in this episode:
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- Intent vs. Impact | Episode 170
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Our Key Takeaways:
1) Stop hoarding hurts. When we don’t practice fully repairing after a conflict, hurts begin to accumulate over time and can turn into bitterness, anger, and even resentment. Make an agreement with your spouse to stop collecting hurts and instead practice fully resolving them during the repair process. When we create a habit of walking through repair with one another, then we can cultivate a healthy relationship.
2) Complete repair says more than, “I’m sorry.” Most of us have gritted out an “I’m sorry” on more than one occasion. While we have said the words, we didn’t feel remorse in our hearts. A true apology recognizes how our actions affected the other person. We like to lay out repair in three steps: 1. “I’m sorry for ___.” 2. “I can see it affected you (this way).” 3. “Would you please forgive me?” These steps show the other person that you understand how you have hurt them and that you are requesting their forgiveness.
3) Move to a place of seeking to understand. We can either defend our intent or seek to understand the impact of our actions. We cannot do both. Defending our intent can look like: “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. Well, you see, I was having a hard day at work, and so when I got home…” When we shift our priority to understand how our actions impacted the other person and empathize with them, then we can get to the heart of the hurt we have caused and move through genuine repair.
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