Your Thanksgiving feast is ready to go, every Christmas stocking has been hung with care, and you’re feeling ready for a festive holiday season. There’s just one thing missing—your adult children and their families!

Do any of these conversations sound familiar to you?

• We’re actually going to visit the in-laws for Thanksgiving this year.
• We were hoping to start our own Christmas morning tradition with the kids.
• Plane tickets are just too expensive this year.

As our children fly the nest, head off to college, and even start families of their own, the holidays can become more challenging to navigate—for both us and them.

Mark and I have had to go through this process with all five of our own children. If there’s one thing we’ve learned along the way, it’s that while being an empty nester might mean a shorter holiday to-do list, it doesn’t always mean the season is easier to manage. Whether you’re approaching your first year as an empty nester or your tenth, we hope our tips will help this holiday season go a bit smoother.

Let Go of Expectations

One of the hardest, but most essential, parts of having adult children is learning when to let go. The truth is, we can’t hold our adult children to the same expectations we did when they lived in our home.

Here are just a few examples of expectations we might need to let go of as our children transition into adulthood:

• How quickly or how often they communicate with you.
• That their priorities will match yours.
• Knowing all the details of what’s happening in their life.
• Being privy to the decisions they make regarding their appearance, jobs, romantic partners, and more.

Expectations will get us in trouble every time. They set us up for disappointment and leave us feeling disconnected when they’re not met. So when we make the shift from a full house to an empty nest, our expectations will need to shift as well.

If we can learn to identify expectations and let go of them, we’ll be better able to walk in love and grace. If we stop expecting to know things we would have known in the past, we’ll be able to embrace something new when we see it. If we stop expecting our kids’ priorities to be the same as ours, we won’t be offended when our differences clash. If we stop expecting our kids to communicate as often as we would like, we’ll be able to appreciate the moments we do get to connect with them even more. And if we stop expecting to be able to change them, we’ll be able to accept who they are and embrace the work God is doing in their life. 

As you adjust or let go of expectations, you’ll find that your contentment will increase, your love will expand, and your relationship with your adult children will grow stronger. You’ll also be able to handle the holidays better. 

READ: No More Perfect Holidays: Managing Your Expectations & Attitude This Season

Accept that Traditions Will Change

Several years ago, we didn’t spend Thanksgiving with a single one of our five children. Did it feel odd? Yes. Was it the best for everyone? We think so.

The reality was that each of our children had valid reasons they couldn’t join us. So instead of gathering our immediate family, Mark and I drove a couple of hours to spend time with our parents, who we rarely see on holidays.

Here’s the thing:

I love the holidays, but I don’t love them more than my family. I love traditions, but I don’t love them more than the people I share those traditions with. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is give our family freedom. That’s why, to some extent, it’s important to make peace with letting go of traditions in the empty nest season of life.

Let’s face it—there’s nothing worse than feeling like you’re expected at two family holiday celebrations in one day. Add in a divorce or two and that number could increase to three or four (not to mention new traditions the new family wants to create themselves). Obligation isn’t fun, and running from house to house trying to make everyone happy can start to sour the holiday season.

Once all your kids are married, you may only be able to gather every other Thanksgiving or Christmas. But with the right mindset, you can still make the most of any situation. Consider trying to:

• Make the “off years” special for yourself: Perhaps a getaway to a beautiful, warm destination?
• Start a new family tradition: Choose one that doesn’t conflict with another major holiday.
• Take the adventures you’ve always wanted to embark on with another empty nest mom or your spouse, if you’re married: Enjoy experiences you couldn’t while the kids were at home. 

Taking the holiday season pressure off your adult children can be a huge stress reliever for those who are feeling the tug-of-war between two places they’d like to be. And when your turn to gather with your kids does come around, everyone will be able to enjoy the celebration so much more.

READ: The “Plan the Holidays” Date | #MarriageMonday

Find support through this 4-part course to help your kids enter adulthood successfully while you enjoy your new full life!

Have Open, Grace-filled Conversations

“We won’t be able to join this year!” 

This is a real text I received when I invited our kids over for Easter dinner. And guess what? I don’t know the exact reason why this family unit wouldn’t be joining us – and I never asked. 

Why? 

Because we’ve already had open conversations with all of our kids, and they know that we operate on an “invitation without guilt” principle. That means our adult children always have the freedom to do whatever they feel is best for their families.

We’re still human, which means we may feel disappointed when a family member can’t attend a holiday gathering. But because we’ve had open conversations, they know they have the freedom to decline our invitation, and we trust they have a good reason for doing so.

When you allow your adult children to voice their concerns and desires freely, you gain a clear picture of everything they are trying to juggle. You’ll feel how much they wish they could do it all, and you’ll realize that you never needed to feel afraid of losing them in the first place.

At this point, communication can start from a place of understanding and grace, rather than judgment.

READ: When Having Adult Children is Harder Than You Expected

Maintain an Open Door Policy

As our adult children transition from living under our care to gaining full independence, they have to work through many challenges. They are trying to balance who they want to be, what they want to do, and where their priorities are. They are not going to get it right all the time, and they will certainly make many mistakes along the way.

Despite this, it’s important to maintain an open door policy so your kids know they’re welcome in your home.

Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to provide them with free rent, free food, and zero responsibilities. But when it comes to holiday gatherings and special events, be prepared for the possibility that you won’t know if your adult child can make an appearance until the last minute. Instead of criticizing them for doing that at the last minute, express gratitude that you got some time with them! 

READ: An Empty Nest Mom’s Guide to College Kids Coming Home For Break

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Becoming an empty nester often brings a mix of complicated emotions and questions. As you adjust to a new normal around the holidays, keep these principles in mind so you can lead with love when addressing your adult child who has just struck out to college, is newly married, or starting a family of their own.

We hope this guidance helps you feel more equipped to handle the holiday season as an empty nester. If you’re looking for more tips on this topic, my Empty Nest, Full Life book is a great place to start, along with these four previous episodes of our podcast:

• The Gift of Mental Health with Michelle Nietert | Episode 23
• When Adult Children Shut You Out with Sarah | Episode 180
• Doing Life With Your Adult Kids with Jim Burns | Episode 107
• Redefining Your Second Half of Life with Dawn Barton | Episode 144